MY LIFE ON THE EDGE OF CHAOS


Jake Edmunds

What is a life encompassed with a mental disease? A disease that will wrap around its host; threatening to suffocate and drown him in confusion, neglect, lack of strength, loneliness, and pain. Tough question? No, not really. It’s a life on the edge of chaos. A life living with Tourette’s Syndrome.

My mind is not my own. My body is not my own. Even the very air I breathe is not my own. Why would I talk like this? Because TS is controlling my life every moment of the day. It never gets sick, it never takes a break, it never goes on vacation, it never sleeps. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep, it is there. And a lot of the time it also follows me into my dreams.

The edge of chaos.

That’s where I am. By the grace of God, and only by His grace, I haven’t fallen over that edge yet. But it wasn’t always like this. There have been times where I came within a hair’s breadth of falling over that edge.

Growing up with TS, was hell on earth. And if you looked at my life from that outward scope, you would think my life was good. But I am sorry to say, you would be woefully mistaken. People don’t see people who have TS. Let me rephrase that. People can’t see people who have TS. The reason being; people with TS have to totally shut off the outside world just to cope with our inside “chaos”. There is so much going on inside our heads constantly, that we have to give our strength to fight that battle and what is left is given to the outside world. That would be family, friends, acquaintances, people we meet in our daily lives. They never see the war raging between my two ear lobes. From time to time, they get a glimpse of our war. We call these glimpses, tics. It could be a facial twitch, an arm movement, or a high pitched squeal. These “tics” are an extreme nuisance to us. They  bring unwanted attention toward us. Chaos wins a battle. But the war continues on.

Tics are annoying, loud, tiring, and cruel. If I am not on the top of my game all the time, chaos wins. I have to control the tics I have. If I don’t, then I would be useless. If I didn’t control my tics, there would be no time left in the day to do anything else. TS is so overwhelming that it would consume my day 24/7, 365 days a year.

IT NEVER SLEEPS.

Let me give you a glimpse of my life with TS. I’ll share just a few of the thousands of tics I have every day. Cicadas. The noises they make in the trees all at once. That is one of my tics. I hear that noise inside my head all day long and all night long. It never stops. Hiccups are another one of my tics. I can hiccup many times a day, but at 3-4 hiccup intervals. I have been waiting for the 5th hiccup for over 10 years now.

Even, numbers are a huge tic of mine. Ever since kindergarten I can remember 2s, 4s, and 8s as part of my daily life. I have to constantly be watching how I move. If I accidentally touch something, then I need to touch it again. There is no other option. My body compels me to do this. It is hard to describe why or how this happens. You think the cicadas are bad? Wait until you try to stop a tic. Tics can be stopped, but it’s like putting a glass under a kitchen faucet. The glass stops the flow for a short time, but soon that water will escape and flood the area.

As I have said; I can remember having TS in kindergarten. I didn’t learn what it was until about the 3rd grade. I just took it to be a part of my life. Grade school was good, because the kids there saw all my tics and knew it to be normal. When I was sent to private school, it was a totally different story. Now my tics began to be a burdensome disaster for me. I  was bullied and made fun of because of them. I didn’t want to tell anyone I was hurting and scared, because how could they understand. They wouldn’t be able to stop the tics; therefore, I didn’t seek help or show my true feelings to anyone. So I shut down my feelings and closed up any hole in my armor and didn’t let anyone get too close to me. Learning in school was a challenge for me as well. The tics slowed me down considerably and sometimes stopped me dead.

High school wasn’t any better. I dreaded going to school everyday. I was bullied there a lot and made fun of all the time. I had no friends, just acquaintances who never really saw me. It had gotten so bad, that life for me, just wasn’t. I dealt with these stupid tics every waking moment of my life, I didn’t want my life anymore. Suicide was heavy on my mind and I came close a couple of times to making it a reality.

Let me backup a moment. I knew I couldn’t stop my tics and they would happen no matter what. But it was in junior high that I learned how to conceal them and hide them away from public eyes. This lessened my anxiety a little bit but also made it that much harder to deal with. It was very tiring hiding them from everyone else. I would go home after school and find somewhere to be alone so that I could “tic” and relax. Remember that glass under the kitchen faucet? So, since junior high, I have been putting forth this method of “controlling” my tics and hiding them from the world.

When I am nervous or frustrated, my tics become a waterfall. I have learned to be patient and quiet; otherwise my tics show up. I have a terrible time listening to anyone for a long period of time, say 30 minutes. Because I am also controlling all my tics and body movements, and loud squeals, and curses, and so on and so on. It might take me a few minutes to answer you if the question was a little complex.

But after I sort out the details in my head, then I will answer you. But be prepared to listen, as my answers are all very detailed. TS controls that part of me too.

One way I have dealt with TS, is through laughter. Laughter, they say is the best medicine, right? Well, I don’t know about that, but it helps. In high school, if somebody was laughing at your jokes, or the funny stunt you did, then they couldn’t be laughing at you. I turned to jokes, pranks, and other ilks like that, to take the spotlight off of my TS and the turmoil going on inside of me.

One of my breakthroughs came when I went on a TMI team. I knew nobody, but more importantly, they didn’t know me either. And since I have been perfecting the “art” of hiding my tics, it was easier to go and kind of feel like I belong. A very good feeling, I might add. I was just a normal kid, serving God. But when the summer was over, the stress came rushing back in. I kinda felt like Harry Potter, sitting in his cupboard under the stairs and dreaming when I could get to go back to Hogwarts. After high school, I managed pretty well. I became a lot more functional and independent.

The one person I came to rely upon the most after school, was Jesus. God is sovereign. God is loving. God wants the best for me. It took me such a long time to figure this out, but I have figured it out. God gave me TS. God knew I could handle TS. God showed me how TS has molded and shaped me into the person that I am now. I have gone through many trials, many hardships, where I couldn’t see through it all. But He is sovereign and His eye is and has been on me all this time. He cares for me and loves me. And through many a long and difficult year, that has been enough.

God has brought me a wonderful, encouraging, loving, and beautiful wife. She is my rock, and my lighthouse here on this earth. She understands me and my TS. As much as a person without TS can. She helps me to continue fighting it and is always there with a shoulder to lean on when it gets too tough to fight. I wouldn’t wish TS on my worst enemy, but I wouldn’t ask God to take it from me either. Although there have been times when I did. TS has made me who I am today. Without TS, there would be no Jake.

As I am getting older, I am also getting more tired. I have been dealing with TS all my life. The tics are all still there, none of them have gone away. Although they do change at times. Some are easy to control and to hide from the public. Some have taken a lot of my strength and sanity to keep down. I am tired, really tired. I am scared that one of these days, some of the “forbidden tics” will surface and I will be undone. I need renewed strength to shoulder on. God is good. He won’t desert me. My life is better these days, as I have a little more help to sustain a happy spirit.

Don’t get me wrong. There are still difficult days and difficult times. But as I am learning to rely on others more and God the most, I see a good road up ahead. Maybe I will have a life that is not always lived on the edge of chaos.

ALMOST GONE

John Baldwin

In June 2014, we, with the help of the FBI, stopped our 18-year-old daughter, Mackenzie, from secretly leaving the United States – just 3 days before she was to board a plane to marry a Muslim man from Kosovo.

Fourteen months earlier, Mackenzie and a friend were killing time surfing the video chat site, Omegle, which is where she first encountered Aadam. After sharing her social media account with him, a presumably innocent friendship started; however, it quickly spiraled into a year of lies and deceit in which Mackenzie rejected her family, friends, and Christian faith. Mackenzie kept the relationship a tightly held secret the entire time, which allowed the online predator to manipulate her into believing that the only person she could trust was him.

We were gravely concerned for Mackenzie during this period, but Christ was there for us and for her. When Mackenzie was aggressively rejecting everything and everyone around her, Christ showed us how to love her and we managed to keep her within arm’s reach. When it was revealed to us that Mackenzie wasn’t acting out of rebellion, but was in fact a victim and in grave danger, Jesus brought exactly the right people, at just the right time, to put into motion a nearly impossible chain of events that saved her life. In just a 25-day period, we learned of her plan to leave, secured the help of the FBI, and developed a secret plan to stop her from getting on that plane.

After it was all over, Christ took this broken teenager and her family, and transformed our story into an instrument for good.

Mackenzie and I share our full story in our book, Almost Gone: Twenty-five Days and OneChance To Save Our Daughter; however, I would like to expand on two specific points that I touch on in the book about unconditional love. These served as my anchors in the storm, when my relationship with Mackenzie was at its breaking point. Within months of meeting Aadam, Mackenzie was an island unto herself. By Christmas of that year, she had completely rejected Christianity and was in full defense of Islam. It was a confusing, difficult, frustrating time, and we were desperate to have our daughter back the way she was. My family was being torn apart. Nothing we were doing or saying was making a difference with her and it felt like more than we could handle.

But Jesus was there.

My first anchor was given to me through a BBQ joint owner speaking at a men’s breakfast at our church, and it was that I needed to love Mackenzie ‘where she was at’. The storm I found myself fighting was me coming to grips that Mackenzie had rejected her Christian faith and was turning to Islam. This was so far out of my realm of possibilities for her, I couldn’t even imagine it, and I wasn’t handling it so well. The truth is, I was really angry at her, but even more so, I was angry about how this reflected on me personally. In short, I was thinking mostly about myself. That’s when Jesus showed me a different road through the words of a humble BBQ pit-master. Loving Mackenzie ‘where she was at’ meant I needed to love her unconditionally. I realized I had been setting conditions for me to love her fully. I needed to love her the same, whether she was a doctor or a circus clown; Muslim or Christian. I didn’t like where she was, but I needed to love her anyway.  

Jesus taught me to love her unconditionally, just as He did. Following His resurrection, Jesus appeared and reinstated Peter, who had denied even knowing Him just a few days before, with love and forgiveness. I’m certain Jesus didn’t like that Peter had rejected him, but Jesus didn’t stop loving him. Jesus didn’t require Peter to apologize or even ask for forgiveness for his mistakes. He simply loved him. And I realized I needed to do the same thing. From that day forward, I held on to that lesson and I simply loved her as best I could. I could hold on to this, and this first anchor held me steady and it blocked damaging anger and frustration from taking over.

My second anchor in the storm was revealed a few weeks later, when Christ reminded me to never do or say anything to blow up the bridge that connected Mackenzie and me. Honestly,  there were several times that I was tempted to give up and just let Mackenzie do what she wanted to do. But my friend and pastor reminded me that someday Mackenzie may need a way back home and it was going to be a father’s love and The Father’s love that would show her the way.

In Luke 15, Christ tells the story of a son who had ‘hired himself out to a citizen of a (distant) country’ and following a severe famine in the land, ‘he came to his senses’ and decided to return home. When he appeared on the road back to his home, his father was actively waiting and looking for him and ‘while he was a long way off’ he saw him approaching and welcomed him home with love and forgiveness. During the hardest of times, I tried to love Mackenzie without condition and I take great care never to say or do anything that would burn the bridge between us. It wasn’t easy to do, but through Christ’s strength I was able to do just that. There came a day that Mackenzie realized she was lost, broken, afraid, and embarrassed and she needed her family. Thankfully, the bridge was intact and we welcomed her home with love.

I hope our story will help you when your world turns upside down, when you encounter a crisis that is too big to handle by yourself. Your crisis may not be an online predator, but rather an illness, a breakup, a job loss, or an addiction. When things are too big to handle alone, I hope our story gives you hope and confidence that Christ is there, and the assurance that you are never alone.

***To purchase a book, join us on social media, or request speaking engagements – please visit us at:   www.mackenziebaldwin.com

BLESSED IN OBEDIENCE

Ashleigh Lankford

We started noticing changes in my mom a few years ago. However, with us living four hours away, we weren’t able to keep track of her day to day. Still, when I was pregnant with my second baby six years ago, she forgot our baby’s gender and name, which was very much unlike her. Then, about four years ago, she became too fearful to drive the four hours up the highway to visit us. And then two years ago, while she spent the weekend with us, she asked more than five times in one day where our trash can was. Not to mention last Christmas, when she spent hours up in our guest room trying to wrap ten gifts and at the end was still perplexed as to the recipient of a few of the gifts and how to wrap them. The signs were there, but she’s only 62… isn’t she too young for this? Also, somehow she was still employed and presumably able to do her job.

One day in May, I had driven the four hours into Houston to take a break from homeschooling and visit family with my three kids, ages 7, 4, and 1, in tow, while my husband was out of town for work. My cousin in Kansas texted, “Hey, have you talked to your mom? She was fired.”

“Oh no,” I thought. I drove to my mom’s condo, and as I started gathering more and more information over the next few weeks, I began to realize that all of those little things we had seen were just the tip of the iceberg. Debt accrued. Bills had not been paid. Her condo almost foreclosed. Hoarding. A plethora of notebooks filled with reminders, both of things to do and of what she did.

Her extended family was and has been incredibly hands on and loving throughout this whole process, yet, as her only child, her care has fallen mainly on my husband’s and my shoulders. We moved my mom in with us, just after the loss of her job. We’ve taken her to doctors to get her a diagnosis: Early Onset Alzheimer’s, which refers to age not the stage. We cleaned out her condo in preparation to sell, totaled up the debt and started negotiations for settlements, and applied for Social Security Disability, which – praise the Lord – was approved within 15 days! I’ve poured over functional medicine texts, regarding the root of Alzheimer’s and perhaps the cure. We’ve started supplements and cut sugar.

And all the while, she has progressed rapidly. We began to question how safe it was to leave her alone for more than a brief grocery run. And my mom, who was always dressed to the nines, hair colored and makeup flawless, has started wearing the same outfit days in a row, and often inside out. No makeup. Almost completely gray. My heart breaks every morning when she walks into the kitchen and waits with the kids for breakfast.

I have researched future care options. We have been told by so many people who have walked this road, that, especially with three small children, we need to have a plan because we won’t be able to care for her forever, and we don’t want to end up in crisis with no game plan.

Some days I am still shocked that this is where we are. I am 34. I never expected to care for mom, not with three small children at home. She’s too young. I’m too young. This was not my plan. I had plans to soak up time with my kiddos and be fully devoted to teaching them at home, to continue with our homeschool co-op, to grow my home business, and to maybe someday fulfill my dream to world-school our kids while we travel. But that’s not what the Lord has put before us in this season, and I’ll consider myself “truly glad” (1 Peter 1:6) because we can trust that God is good and that He is kind.

My girls (7 and 4) have asked lots of sincere questions. “Why does Mimi have to live with us? Will she get better? Why does she get us mixed up? Why can’t she remember where her room or bathroom are?”

And you know what’s crazy? Telling our kids that there is blessing in our obedience. As hard and inconvenient as caring for their Mimi is, she is our family, and we love her. God has asked us to care for her, and we are blessed in obedience.

And the truth is that blessings have come from this. In just six months.

My mom and I were not particularly close growing up. There were a variety of reasons for that, but I know she always wanted to be closer. We have not had much time with her in recent years, and now here she is living with us. We see her daily. We are able to love on her and remind her of God’s goodness.

In this season, it would be easy to be angry and discouraged, but instead, we are choosing to view this time as a gift, whether it’s six months or two years, because we can trust that God is the giver of good gifts (Matthew 7:11), and that despite today’s troubles, there is wonderful joy ahead (1 Peter 1:6).

TEACH US TO NUMBER OUR DAYS

Jessica Britnell

“Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts.”
Psalms 90:12

The day my second baby was born is a day that has forever changed me in so many ways.

Our daughter was born a little after 9:00 in the morning without too much concern. Although there were some minor issues with her birth, they were resolved quickly and we were overall very happy and thankful with the birth of our sweet new baby. We spent the day recovering and enjoying our new addition and eventually had big sister come and meet her. Throughout the day, I had some abdominal pain and my belly felt very hard, but I was reassured this was normal and everything was good. We were enjoying time with family, but as 5:00 pm neared I realized something wasn’t right and was turning bad very quickly. I knew I was losing consciousness and told my husband. Thankfully my mom grabbed the baby right before I dropped her.

In an instant everything was different. My room was filled with people trying to figure out what was going on and what could they do. I was in and out of consciousness for the remainder of the time, but I remember so much so vividly. They were doing tests and ultrasounds, trying to figure out why I had no blood pressure. Emergency doctors I had never met were trying to get me to answer anything that could help them quickly.

My doctor arrived and told my husband I needed an emergency exploratory surgery to identify the problem. She told him she would do everything she could, but she wasn’t sure what was going on and whether or not they would be able to fix it. She told him to tell me goodbye because they weren’t confident enough that he’d have another chance. My heart breaks thinking of him in that moment, all alone and trying to begin to process this information. He had to watch and wait and be separated from all 3 of his girls, all 3 in different places with their own new challenges. It turns out my abdominal muscles had been bleeding internally for hours and now I had literally lost half my blood volume. I had more blood in my belly than I had in my blood vessels and this was obviously a problem. We said goodbye and I rushed off to surgery, barely able to open my eyes every few minutes.

I remember trying to save my strength to open my eyes every time we were in a new room. There were so many people crowded around and moving so fast, but for me everything was just so still. I was laying there completely helpless and every ounce of control I ever thought I had was gone. I knew I couldn’t do anything to change my situation. It was just happening and there was nothing I could do about it.

I thought I was going to die.

There literally was no part of me in those moments that didn’t think I was going to die, and I was okay with that. I would have thought that I’d spend those moments thinking about my beloved husband, or my beautiful children, or my loved ones. And I did, for about a second. My only thought was that wasn’t my concern anymore. I know that sounds harsh and unloving. I can think of so many things for that moment that I would want to tell other people so they could care for my family just the right way, or have some last chance to control things for them once I was gone; but once it was really happening, I knew that it wasn’t mine to deal with anymore.

I knew that all I had to do was to go be with Jesus and I had such a peace about it, a peace I have never experienced before that moment. I felt like I was being held and comforted. I knew that this situation wasn’t a surprise to God. He knows my first and last day even if I don’t.

Knowing this truth resonated so strongly in my mind in those moments, and the peace I felt because of it really made me think it was my time to go. I was amazed at God’s peace. Peace I had never felt so purely and truly, so real and literally tangible. It was the only thing I had to cling to in those moments and it was all I needed and more. I knew that just because something bad was happening to me didn’t change God’s love and faithfulness to me. There He was, when no one else could be there for me and when no one was even engaging with me anymore He was there to hold me. It changed me and it has forever changed the way I see the depth and realness of His love for me personally.

The surgery was over and they were able to identify and treat the problem, but that wasn’t the end of my troubles that night. The rare bleeding issue was followed by another undiagnosed rare genetic anesthetic issue that left me completely paralyzed for several hours following the surgery. I was transferred to the ICU and on a ventilator until my paralysis wore off and my lungs were able to move and breath for themselves.

I finally woke up and was reunited with my husband. I hadn’t seen the baby since the day before and she was all alone kept as a border baby in the nursery. My oldest child was pretty traumatized from watching the trouble unfold as her mom collapsed and the people rushed in. We decided it was better for her not to return to the hospital until she came to take me home. It was hard to not see her for so many days and was such a sudden change for us both. It was not the picture I had for our family as we welcomed our second child.

But if I learned anything from this experience, it’s that I’m not in control. I don’t know if this is part of my story that God redeemed, or if it was written this way all along for His glory, but I’m glad this is my story. I wouldn’t have written it this way, but I thank God I’m not in charge. He uses our challenges, struggles, and adversities to show His strength and power. He is glorified in our weakness and lack of control.

Everything will fade…except for God, His word, and His people. What we did for our job, our house, our stuff, what other people thought about how we raised our kids – none of this will matter. I don’t know what the day that I actually die will look like, but I know that I’m a little less afraid of it. I believe that God’s peace will be there to comfort me and that I will once again know that I was never able to control any of it and that will be such a relief.

HANNAH : A HEART OF THANKFULNESS

“Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” Colossians 4:2

Hannah exemplifies a true heart of thanksgiving. She devoted herself to prayer, was watchful to see how God would respond, and she was thankful for His blessings. Hannah’s story, like so many of our own, starts with brokenness and sin. She is battling infertility, depression, anger, and an eating disorder. And just like us, Hannah longed for significance. She wanted desperately to play a part in God’s story, and in her day, playing any sort of significant societal role for a woman meant bearing children, something she was unable to do. But little did she know that through her barrenness, God was giving her an even greater role in His story. One that would ripple into the hearts of the Israelites and changing generations.

It is the ultimate Ebenezer Collective Story.

Her story even results in the setting of THE Ebenezer stone. Let’s just all do her a favor and and flip to 1 Samuel 2 and add the hashtag #thisismyebenezer at the conclusion of Hannah’s Song. The irony in this makes my heart gaze at the beauty of how God works His hand ever so perfectly for those who are faithful to Him. We will see this theme in Hannah’s Song, because it is the story of redemption, restoration, and reversals. It is the story of the Gospel. It is the story of Israel. And it is each one of our stories! Brokenness leading to restoration.

Hannah was one of the two wives of Elkanah. Elkanah’s other wife, Peninah, had many children, but Hannah was barren. Because Elkanah favored Hannah outwardly and she had no children, Peninah taunted her cruelly, rubbing it in and never letting her forget that God had not given her children. Can you imagine the conversations and tension at the dinner table in this household? It had reduced Hannah to tears, built up bitterness in her heart, and stripped away her appetite.

Once a year, Elkanah and his wives would travel to the temple to offer annual sacrifices to God. On one such visit, he confronted Hannah in her sadness and loss of appetite. Hannah then slipped away quietly to the sanctuary and “crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably. Then she made a vow:

Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies,

If you’ll take a good, hard look at my pain,

If you’ll quit neglecting me and go into action for me

By giving me a son,

I’ll give him completely, unreservedly to you. I’ll set him apart for a life of holy discipline.”

1 Samuel 1:10-11- The MSG

She grieved so much that day that Eli, the priest, assumed she was drunk. Hannah responded, “Oh no, sir—please! I’m a woman hard used. I haven’t been drinking. The only thing I’ve been pouring out is my heart, pouring it out to God. It’s because I’m so desperately unhappy and in such pain that I’ve stayed here so long. Eli answered her, ‘Go in peace. And may the God of Israel give you what you have asked of him.’ ‘Think well of me—and pray for me!’ she said, and went her way. Then she ate heartily, her face radiant.” (1 Samuel 1:15-18- The MSG).

God heard her honest prayer, saw the purity in her heart, considered her bold vow, and gave her a son whom she named Samuel meaning, “I asked God for Him.”

The next year, when it was time to travel to Shiloh to the temple, Hannah did not go with Elkanah. She stayed home until her son was weaned and then traveled to the temple to dedicate Samuel to God. “After the child is weaned, I’ll bring him myself and present him before God—and that’s where he’ll stay, for good.” (1 Samuel 1:22- The MSG).

This was not a dedication we see at church these days, where Hannah and Samuel are prayed for on stage, then go celebrate at Chili’s. Hannah was not just dedicating Samuel, she was GIVING Him to God. Because God was faithful to give her her heart’s deepest desire, she was faithful in her vow by giving Samuel “completely, unreservedly” to God. This shows Hannah’s beautiful heart and pure intentions. She did not want a child for selfish reasons or to prove to Peninah she could have children. She simply wanted to play a significant role in God’s story through her lineage.

As Hannah offers her son to the Lord, she prays:

“My heart exults in the Lord;

   my horn is exalted in the Lord.

My mouth derides my enemies,

   because I rejoice in your salvation.

“There is none holy like the Lord:

   for there is none besides you;

   there is no rock like our God.

Talk no more so very proudly,

   let not arrogance come from your mouth;

for the Lord is a God of knowledge,

   and by him actions are weighed.

The bows of the mighty are broken,

   but the feeble bind on strength.

Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread,

   but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.

The barren has borne seven,

   but she who has many children is forlorn.

The Lord kills and brings to life;

   he brings down to Sheol and raises up.

The Lord makes poor and makes rich;

   he brings low and he exalts.

He raises up the poor from the dust;

   he lifts the needy from the ash heap

to make them sit with princes

   and inherit a seat of honor.

For the pillars of the earth are the Lord’s,

   and on them he has set the world.

“He will guard the feet of his faithful ones,

   but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness,

   for not by might shall a man prevail.

The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces;

   against them he will thunder in heaven.

The Lord will judge the ends of the earth;

   he will give strength to his king

   and exalt the horn of his anointed.”

Hannah’s Song, 1 Samuel 2:1-10

*MIC DROP*

Hannah’s unapologetically bold words declare God’s ultimate sovereignty. It points to what God plans to do with our brokenness and sin. It is saturated with the theme of reversals and restoration. This is the story of the Gospel. It is the story of Israel. It is each of our stories, and it is God’s greater story He calls us to be a part of.

I wish I had the time or space here to go into all the faithful work that Samuel did for God. He literally changed generations of God’s people. The goodness that came from Hannah’s dedication to God is unending. Go read 1 Samuel and be encouraged by what God can do through one faithful person.

Hannah’s story shows us that God cares about your desires. He wants to use your desires and longing for HIS GREATER STORY.

It begins with infertility, depression, anger, and an eating disorder, but ends with abundance, celebration, joy, and thankfulness. How can we follow Hannah’s example to celebrate and THANK God for how He has helped us through our sin and brokenness?

Maybe you aren’t on the other side of infertility or grief or depression or (fill in the blank). But, Child, God has not forgotten you. Give Him thanks through the brokenness. It’s the process that leads to restoration and beauty. He loves YOU enough to pick YOU out, put you in the fire, to refine you into an even more precious gem who will play an even greater role in His story. How do you see him refining you today?

Lauren Scurry

RECOVERING FROM CONTROL, PERFECTIONISM, AND APPROVAL-SEEKING

This is a transcript of a testimony given at re:generation, a 12-step recovery program. It’s longer than our usual stories, so we’ve provided an audio version. Whether you read or listen, the illustrations shown below will be helpful! 

My name is Amanda. I have a new life in Christ and I’m recovering from control, perfectionism, and approval-seeking.

There’s an illustration I keep seeing at my church.

 

It’s a timeline, starting with the point of conversion. The top line says “increasing awareness of God’s holiness,” and the bottom line says “increasing awareness of my sin.” When both sides are growing in their respective directions, the cross continues to grow in significance to the believer. This is my journey to the cross.

As long as I can remember, Christianity has been a major part of my life. I’m a Pastor’s kid, so most of my childhood was spent at church. When I wasn’t there, I was at my Christian school, or maybe a youth conference or mission trip. DC Talk, Newsboys, and Point of Grace provided the soundtrack to my early days. I would have called myself a “Jesus Freak,” proudly sporting my WWJD bracelet everywhere I went. I didn’t know it, but I can see now that the motivation behind those actions was to win the approval of my parents, teachers, youth group leaders, and friends.

When I got to Texas Tech, I continued that pattern of approval-seeking. But now, instead of parents, it was peers. Instead of teachers, it was liberal professors. Instead of youth group leaders, it was frat boys. So I played the part, and partied my way through college without regret.

I met Nick during that time, and we got married right after I graduated. I quickly moved into this new life stage with plans for a big house, new car, and the perfect family. See the pattern repeating? That was my game. Get to the next level, achieve status, gain approval, move on. I never slowed down enough to see the damage that was happening in the wake of my hustle.

God was faithful to answer the prayers of my parents, and Nick and I found a church home as soon as we moved to Dallas. I joined a class called Equipped Disciple, where I was encouraged to read my Bible every day, and held accountable to memorize scripture for the first time in years. God got my attention with 1 John 2:3 “This is how we know that we know him: if we keep his commands. The one who says, “I have come to know him,” and yet doesn’t keep his commands, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.” I realized this faith I thought I had in my back pocket was not faith at all. It was just a part I had played to gain approval. I had never turned from sin or allowed God to sit on the throne of my heart. My actions were proof of my true beliefs – that MY way was better than His. When I saw the condition of my heart, I prayed, asking God to forgive me for my years of ignoring Him despite everything I knew about Him. I told Him I accepted Christ’s sacrifice on the cross to take the penalty for my sin. He became real to me that day. He became my Friend, my Shepherd, and my Hope. My journey to the cross had begun.

God started chiseling away at my worldly, selfish desires, and giving me an eternal perspective. I quit my job, we started a family, and downsized our house. It was during this time that Nick surprised me by coming home early one afternoon to read me a letter he had written. He was on his knees, crying as he admitted to visiting a prostitute the night before, and a life-long addiction to pornography that had led him to that point. I was in complete shock. But God wasn’t. He had been preparing me for that moment through my daily time with Him. I hugged Nick, and told him I forgave him. But forgiveness is not a one-time decision. It’s an on-going choice. Those first few months were not easy. I had a 1-year-old son, and was 6 weeks pregnant with our daughter, so most days, I didn’t know if I was sick from this news or my pregnancy. More confessions and relapses kept coming as Nick worked through his recovery, and each one felt like a huge step backwards. I felt like I had lost everything. But to this day, I have never felt more close to the Lord than during that time. God was all I had, and I learned that He was all I’d ever need. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.

This was really the first time my perfect little life plan went off-course. I felt entitled to a “good” life since I had finally started making “good” choices. I thought if I could have more control over my circumstances, bad things might not happen again. I also wanted to control this embarrassing news. I never wanted anyone to know about this shameful secret in our marriage. Remember, I ran on approval! This would not work well for the perfect family image I was crafting.

Over time, this desire for control and perfection started affecting other relationships in my life as well.  I had been growing in knowledge of the Bible, but began to act more like a pharisee than Jesus. I had big convictions for myself, and I was starting to let them seep out as high standards for other people. I was completely lacking in grace and compassion. My mind would race at night, justifying my harsh criticism as tough love. I was starting to become anxious, and that’s the opposite of what Jesus says will happen when we’re walking with Him. I was back at the approval game, grasping at control, never settling for less than perfection.

That’s when I knew I needed Re:Generation – a recovery ministry offered at my church that helps people work through addictions, as well as destructive habits and attitudes. This ministry was the avenue God used to restore my husband, and I knew I was now the one who desperately needed a change.

During that time, my life would have looked like this: 

God had shown Himself to me in really meaningful ways. But I hadn’t spent much time thinking about what He had saved me from. I tend to move on to new things without looking back, and that’s what I had done with my sin. It was time to grow in awareness of my sin.

God used my idol of perfectionism to get me here. Re:Generation is where you go when life is broken, so I checked myself into the shop for some tweaks! What I wasn’t expecting was the amount of repairing I actually needed. I needed a heart transplant. That selfish pattern of life had made my heart hard as a rock.

I remember reading early on in the curriculum to be careful not to blow past questions just because you know the “right” answer, but to look at your actions to determine your true beliefs. I kept that reminder in mind throughout this whole process, and it led me to some deep realizations. I found that every sin struggle can be traced back to a lack of trust in God. When I control, I’m not trusting God’s power, when I look to people for approval, I’m not trusting His love, when I grasp at perfection, I’m not trusting His plan.

It was my 30th birthday when I was finishing up with Step 4, Inventory, so Nick and I took a trip to the beach to celebrate. Unfortunately for Nick, he came down with a bad case of viral pink eye. So I drove while he slept. I was lost in thought, overwhelmed with remorse after listing out my lifetime of sins in inventory. Somewhere along I-20, I prayed along with a Shane and Shane song, “Lord, come wrestle me and win.” I didn’t want to continue doing life in the same way.

When we got back home, that crazy case of pink eye quickly spread to our son, then took us girls down soon after. We were quarantined to our house for an entire month. No school, no church, no work. Just time. We weren’t in much pain, we just couldn’t come close to other humans! So I had an entire month to “think about what I had done” as my parents used to say. I’m an extrovert, I hate being stuck at home, so I felt like a prisoner! I told my mentor it felt like I was under God’s thumb, and He wouldn’t let up. It felt like punishment for this list of sins I had finally admitted to. But then I realized He was answering my prayer. He was wrestling me down, causing me to face the ugliness of my sin – something I had been refusing to do my whole life.

On Good Friday, the day we remember Jesus’ death on the cross, I couldn’t stand the weight of my sin anymore. I felt so unworthy, I crawled back into bed mid-morning, drowning in tears. I texted my mentor and a close friend, letting them know that I needed prayer, but didn’t give any more details than that. The verses they sent back were exactly what I needed to hear. Hebrews 12:6-7 says “the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children.” and Romans 8:1 says “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

I couldn’t believe it, but God wasn’t mad at me! Yes, He wanted me to face my sin, but not to condemn me, but to prove how much He loved me! Without the full awareness of my sin, I couldn’t see the magnitude of His grace. I felt a huge weight lifting off my shoulders as I released this lifetime of sin to the foot of the cross. I couldn’t stop thanking Him for His forgiveness. Easter morning has never felt more meaningful. I accepted His forgiveness for my sins that I was now so painfully aware of, and I was filled with a newfound joy. We celebrated Resurrection Sunday at home, disinfecting all the eggs immediately after the hunt, but it was an Easter I will never forget. The cross had grown in significance to me that weekend, and I was full of awe and reverence for my good, good Father who loves me.

As soon as I accepted God’s grace for myself, I couldn’t fathom holding onto bitterness in those friendships that I mentioned earlier. I decided to make amends to these friends as soon as the doctor would allow me to leave the house. We got the green light from the doctor the very next day. (The timing of that is not lost on me!) So I set up the meetings. I brought a list of sins from my inventory that had affected them, and apologized for how I had hurt them. I felt the freedom Romans 8 mentions when they extended forgiveness to me.

Since this was the first time I had been honest about my sin, Step 6 Repent, was so important for me. I wrote out David’s repentance prayer, Psalm 51, and prayed it over and over again. I’ve heard it said “we can’t change what we can’t name,” so I was very specific about the way each sin struggle shows up in my life while writing my repentance plans. The most effective task for me as an approval-seeker was confession. I confessed to my mentor every time I had a critical thought toward someone else. I dreaded sending those confession texts so much that I went to war against those thoughts! I quoted scripture, stood firm against Satan’s lies, and begged God to renew my mind.

I didn’t think my thought-life was something that could ever change, but like Jesus says in Matthew 19:26, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Just like He promised the nation of Israel in Ezekiel 36, God removed my heart of stone and gave me a heart of flesh.

Before re:gen, I saw the Bible and the Christian life as a big to-do list. I loved how clear-cut the commands were, and I measured my success by my performance. But now that I have been softened by the discipline of The Father, I’m not striving to achieve for my faith. I’m resting in God’s grace. That’s it. Anything I DO is just a response to what He’s already done for me. He gave me the desire to seek Him. He brought me through hard times, (and I know more are coming.) He gave me a thirst for His Word. And through re:gen, He showed me my brokenness and need for His grace.

That month stuck at home taught me the importance of physical rest, and why God built it into the rhythm of our lives. I resonate with David in Psalm 18:19 when he says “He brought me out to a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” He rescued me from the hustle. I slowed the pace of my life down by saying “no” to busyness and striving, so that I can spend more time with Him and the people He has placed in my life to love.

All of my sin struggles kept me in fear of failure, hiding any perceived flaws from being exposed. But like it says in 1 Corinthians 12:9 “[God’s] grace is sufficient, for [His] power is made perfect in weakness.” So like Paul, “I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” With that verse in mind, I wrote out the story of our marriage struggles and shared it online in order to shatter that perfect family image I had been faking. The response from family and friends was overwhelming. Nick and I have gotten to talk with countless couples who are in the middle of similar trials in their relationships. God has turned our darkest times into a light that points people to Himself, but it required me to give up that old approval game and trust God’s opinion to be the only one I value. What the enemy meant to harm us, God meant for good!

I was reading in 1 Samuel 7, where God fights a battle for Israel, and defeats their enemy in a really powerful way. Samuel sets up an Ebenezer stone to remember God’s faithfulness through that battle. I considered the story I had shared online as my own Ebenezer, and as I read this section of Scripture, I heard this question repeating in my head: “why just my story?” So for the next week, I prayed and told everyone I knew about this idea to start an online ministry for sharing stories. It turns out that God was sparking similar passions in some of my friends’ hearts, and within days, four friends and I started a ministry called Ebenezer Collective. We give people a platform to share stories of God’s faithfulness despite difficult circumstances. God has used this ministry to encourage authenticity on social media, allowing His power to shine through our weaknesses.

God continues to surprise me with this new heart of mine! Now that I have a more complete picture of the cross in light of my brokenness, I am full of love for others. Instead of criticizing, I feel compassion. Instead of glossing over my sin and acting like it isn’t there, I can admit when I’ve done wrong, and ask forgiveness. It’s all 12 steps in tandem, on a regular basis, in every relationship. My kids are getting such a better picture of the gospel now that I can identify and own my sin. I want to be able to tell them to follow my example as I follow Christ. I know that just like me, they’ll struggle with sin, but when they bring it to God, He will be compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

My community group girls practice step 5, confess on a weekly basis. We vulnerably share our struggles, and admit our latest sins every time we meet. It’s James 5:16 in action: “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” Our group can attest to the truth of that verse. We have found freedom from sin struggles since bringing them into the light. It used to be my biggest fear to let others see any of my weaknesses, but now I look forward to exposing them! Confession drains sin of its’ power, and drives the enemy away. I can’t imagine ever going back to sugar-coating my sin.

I will always have a desire for control, approval, and perfection. But now I can see them coming from a mile away, and take those desires to God. With His help, I can trust His power, love, and plan instead of my own.

Just like the illustration shows, it requires a growing awareness of our sin just as much as a growing awareness of His holiness to grasp the magnitude of the cross. I have found that those two lines grow at different times, at different rates for every believer. Our whole lives will be spent traveling that path to a bigger cross together. Now I know the importance of patience, encouragement, grace, and love as I walk this path with others.

I love how John describes love in 1 John. In 3:14, he says “We know that we have passed from death to life because we love our brothers and sisters.” And 4:18 says “there is no fear in love, instead, perfect love drives out fear.” Those years I spent striving for approval were lived out of a place of fear. That fear of man was the exact thing that prevented me from loving others. Now that God has freed me from that fear, I can finally see past myself and into the lives in need of God’s love all around me.

All throughout the Old Testament, I see the phrase “so that they will know that I am the Lord.” I believe that everything God brings into our lives is for that purpose. To grow the significance of the cross in our lives, in hopes that we will come to know that HE is the Lord. The same sun which melts wax hardens clay. When we endure hard times, we have the choice. Are you willing to be melted, refined, and purified? He can remove hard hearts. When we let His perfect love drive out fear, we’re set free to love like He does!

My name is Amanda. I have a new life in Christ and because of Him I am learning to walk in freedom from control, perfectionism, and approval-seeking.

DANIEL – A LIFE ABOVE REPROACH

When a person has decided to follow God and live in the light of His way, certain character traits start to show up. One of the prime examples from the Bible of a life lived on-mission is Daniel. The stories we have from this historical record reveal his character, and it’s one worth following!

“Daniel determined that he would not defile himself with the king’s food or with the wine he drank. So he asked permission from the chief eunuch not to defile himself.” Daniel 1:8

Daniel was DETERMINED to follow God’s roadmap for living instead of falling in line with the culture’s standards. He knew exactly what the Lord required of His people, and he took that into consideration before making any decisions. But when his convictions caused him to go against the flow, he wasn’t judgmental or disrespectful about it at all. He asked permission!

What does that look like today? Ask yourself how God’s way differs from the cultural norm, and if there’s any area you might need to rethink. This could change the way you interact with shows, movies, places, food, drink, language, and the list could go on!

“Then Daniel responded with tact and discretion…’Why is the decree from the king so harsh?’ Daniel 2:14,15

Daniel was TACTFUL when interacting with others. This response from Daniel comes after the king has flipped his lid and issued a decree for all of the wise men to be executed – that includes Daniel and his friends! So Daniel’s life is on the line, but he doesn’t sound panicked, he sounds grounded.

We come into situations all the time that can make us want to escalate or retreat. But if we are trusting in God, He can give us the gift of tactful responses. This is self-control, a fruit of the Spirit, something we can all possess if we have the Holy Spirit living in us!

“When Daniel learned that the document had been signed [stating anyone who petitions any god but the king will be thrown into the lion’s den], he went into his house. The windows in its upstairs room opened toward Jerusalem, and three times a day he got down on his knees, prayed, and gave thanks to his God, just as he had done before.” Daniel 6:10

Daniel was BRAVE as he stood his ground as a follower of the One True God. The new ordinance regarding prayer and worship was only set for thirty days! He could have closed the windows, prayed silently, or less frequently during that time to appease the king. But Daniel was not willing to change his prayer life in any way, even for a month.

How can we bravely claim Jesus as our Lord in the midst of so many different beliefs and opinions? Let’s follow Daniel’s example of living in the light, not behind closed doors. But notice that does not require arrogance, judgmental tones, or harsh words – just faithfulness to God through our actions.

“My God sent his angel and shut the lions’ mouths; and they haven’t harmed me.” Daniel 6:22a

Daniel was VICTORIOUS because he put his trust in God. He went against the cultural norms to the point of receiving a death sentence. But God gave him victory over death, and showed His power through Daniel’s obedience.

How can we allow God’s power to be revealed through us? We can give God the credit for what He’s done in our lives! When Daniel survived the lion’s den, he didn’t boast about his innocence or holiness, he gave all the credit to God. Only through a good and powerful God does a doom and gloom story end with peace. And our stories of grace are no different!

 

Amanda Buccola

MY JOURNEY TO THE SPACIOUS PLACE

This is a story of how God led us to the wilderness, through the desert, and into the pit, to pull us out into a spacious place…all to intimately show us Who He truly is.

THROUGH EXILE: THE WILDERNESS

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19

Our exile to the wilderness started slowly.

My husband and I decided (although through unjust and unfortunate circumstances) that it was time for him to quit his teaching job. With that decision, my husband had no other option than to accept a job working nights and weekends while I was working full time and caring for our two-year-old twins. While our marriage was a game of tag-team, our isolation during this time brought us each face-to-face with God. It was here that the refining began and the Lord started His journey to take His rightful place on the throne of our hearts. He eventually brought us to a place of surrender and trust, because He knew the desert was coming.

He was priming our hearts to say yes to His bigger, greater plan. So after a year, we said, “Yes, God. Your way is better.” We packed up our possessions, put our house on the market, and moved our family of 4 back to Dallas from Austin. Honestly, it felt like a step backwards. We had moved from Dallas to Austin just 5 years prior, planting roots and starting our family. We didn’t really know why God wasn’t providing in Austin, but we did know He had provided an opportunity in Dallas.

We had been exiled.

We said yes, and were looking forward to the lush gardens beyond the wilderness. I had recently found out I was pregnant, and by moving to Dallas we would be moving closer to our support network of friends and family. In my mind we were reaching the lush gardens on the other side of this trial. Right?

THROUGH WAITING: THE DESERT

“But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

The waiting started in a doctor’s office just days after our move. I write more about this experience in my first story: Young Warrior. Our 11 week sonogram showed an abnormality called a cystic hygroma on our baby. I’ll never forget the doctor’s words: “There is a 75% chance there is something significantly wrong with your baby.”

There were so many unanswered questions surrounding the outcome. What diagnosis could this be pointing to? What kind of prognosis would our baby have? We learned the possible outcomes included a rare chromosomal disorder, heart defect, hydrops (which is a build up of fluid in her internal chambers and is always fatal), as well as the possibility that this would all resolve in utero and we would give birth to a healthy baby.

Here the waiting started.

Not only were we waiting on a diagnosis and prognosis, but we were also waiting to sell our home in Austin so that we could buy a home in Dallas – all while living with my mother-in-law in a cramped space. I felt I had lost control over all areas of my life. With every new genetic test, the results pointed back to a seemingly healthy baby girl; however, through an isolated last ditch test, we finally received a diagnosis of Noonan’s Syndrome.

With this new knowledge, we researched, we learned, and we connected with a community. Since the diagnosis is not fatal, our shift focused to preparing for life outside the womb with our baby girl, who we had named June. We were ready to roll up our sleeves and fight whatever challenges came along with raising a child with Noonan’s Syndrome. We knew what was causing this and we knew it was a disorder that had an extremely high survival rate. We were figuring out how to navigate life after birth. We would lay in bed dreaming of what she would look like, researching and trying to project the the best and worse situations. During this time, we were also making decisions on where to buy a home, taking into consideration our community, our church, friends that were nearby, and the best hospitals. Through this new focus, we had forgotten about the slim chance of hydrops.

Somehow having an answer, made it more real and our hope was restored. Our life in Dallas was starting to take shape, and, in my mind, the waiting was over. We were SURE to reach the lush gardens on the other side of the desert now. Right?

THROUGH GRIEF: THE PIT

“He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.” Psalm 40:2

Truly there were tears and longsuffering in the desert of waiting and receiving the diagnosis for our baby girl; yet the true and utter suffering – or the pit – started on October 13, 2017. I was 22 weeks pregnant, and on this day we were told that June had developed hydrops.

That was it. Game over.

Nothing else we could do or say to save her. I was by myself at this particular appointment, and I remember where I was sitting. Like a child, legs dangling off the patient table, doctor sitting across from me on his stool. Never in my adult life have I felt more like a helpless child.

I left the appointment and went out to the parking garage, called my husband and wept. I went to Starbucks and waited for him to meet me. I still remember the conversation between two women while I was waiting. Talking about the necessity of having a large laundry room. I’ll never forget feeling so much angst toward these women talking about laundry rooms while MY daughter inside of MY body was dying.

Tom met me and we headed to another appointment with my MFM. Somehow during this time between the appointments, we had mustered up hope. That this was not game over. That with all the medical advances today we could place stents, drain the fluid, and she may just have a chance. But by the end of the next appointment, we were leaving with a handout about how to prepare to remember your baby after this doctor confirmed everything the previous doctor had said. This was a slap in the face of hope, but a necessary and sobering gesture on the doctor’s part as she handed the pamphlet to me with tears in her own eyes. Our focus had to shift from planning and preparing for this precious life outside the womb to planning and preparing to birth and bury our daughter.

Everything had been stripped from us. Our city, our home, our stability, our hope, and now our daughter.

This was the pit.

In the weeks that followed, we had 1-2 sonograms a week to check the heartbeat. And at every appointment the heartbeat would still beat strong, which is what we would pray for. But there came a time when I needed this to end. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s true.

Living in the in-between was hard. I was already grieving the loss of my daughter, but had not yet lost her.

I still had to go to work where most of my co-workers didn’t know. I had to endure comments and congratulations, and questions if it was a boy or girl. It was torture. My mind was hyper-focused on remembering June. Booking a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, getting maternity pictures taken while she was still alive, buying the perfect blanket to wrap her in, choosing a funeral home, burial vs. cremation, memorial service or no service, etc. Decisions no expecting parents should ever have to make. This planning and preparing to remember June was my raw motherly instinct. I wanted so badly to have control over all the things I COULD control. I had literally lost control of all other areas of my life…I had surrendered to God fully at this point out of necessity.

I was doing all this planning while feeling her kick and having a continued strong heartbeat confirmed at each sonogram. The doctors continued to assure me that they had never seen hydrops at this stage in a pregnancy last past 3 weeks. And sure enough on November 1, the sonogram indicated no heartbeat.

Two days later, on November 3, we walked back into the hospital for my C-section. After she was born we were able to spend time alone with her, holding her, praying, and just being with her. Of course, we knew that was no longer her, but that was the physical body God had given her, and I found so much comfort, connection, and joy in holding her.

It’s only the grace of God that can offer joy during such a sorrowful moment.

And even in the letting go of her body, handing it over to the nurse, knowing I would never hold her or see her again, I had peace and resolve. God had certainly gone before us and paved this road…there was no other explanation for the calmness, peace, and joy I had during those three hours.

I hadn’t thought much about the details of leaving the hospital without my baby. When it was time, a nurse I had never met came to get me, I got in the wheelchair and she wheeled me to the threshold before leaving the floor and entering the area where the elevators are. She knew this is where my environment would drastically change, she knew a wave of grief and the reality of losing my baby would set in. She stopped, leaned down and said, “Hold your breath, this is the hardest part.”

And she was right. Tears welled in my eyes as my arms had never felt so empty. I needed someone to validate this feeling of loss and the reality I was facing so that I could experience it, and I am forever grateful for those words.

Once again, God was going before me and paving that path for me. A path I had never anticipated. Leaving the hospital empty-handed.

TO THE SPACIOUS PLACE: FREEDOM

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” Psalm 118:19

The weeks following were full of unending support from family and friends. They truly were the hands and feet of Jesus. Every meal, every flower, every gift, every smile, every tear, and every conversation recognizing our grief was a step out of the pit. I was also hanging on to every word in the Psalms. That book was like life and breath to me during this time, slowly lifting me up, until finally…

He brought me out into a spacious place.

But this spacious place was not like the one before the pit, before the desert, or before the wilderness. It was bigger, brighter, and even more beautiful. Yes, I was swimming in grief, but God works best with a broken and surrendered spirit, and I could see His beauty being made from the ashes. He was bringing me out of a dark unknown place I didn’t know I was hiding in…out of the little caves in which I was shut up and imprisoned; into a large place — into a state of freedom. He began to shed light on my sin of pride, anger, selfish ambitions, and comfortable isolation, and gently showed me His way is better – no matter the cost.

God goes before us…through the wilderness, through the desert, through the pit, and even to the spacious place He prepares for us.

He will always redeem and restore the brokenness in our heart if we look to Him. That’s what He longs to do. This spacious place embodies a freedom and light that my life before June had been missing. Much like the story of Job, the Lord has restored HIMSELF to me through this breaking and refining process. After having an encounter with God following suffering, Job states, “My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.” (Job 42:5)

Job realized that even though he had feared and followed God, he hadn’t really known God. Through suffering, however, God had revealed Himself to Job in an unmistakable, intimate way. That’s what He has done for me.

In this spacious place, I have learned to loosen my grip on my life…my city, my home, and even my most valued relationships, and live in a place of freedom. Now we have a new city, a new home, and a new baby girl on the way. Sleeping at Last’s song, “One,” says it perfectly: “I’ll hold it much more loosely, but somehow much more dearly.”

I see this tangible evidence of restoration daily through these things, but the most healing and most significant restoration is unseen to the eye…it is the spacious place…It is Jesus.

A devotional in my She Reads Truth Bible states, “This is the ending our hearts ache for, not to have our earthly possessions or bodies restored, but to be fully restored by the God who made us and fully reconciled to him in Glory.”

In 1 Peter 5:10 is says, “And the God of all Grace, who called you into His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you, and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.”

Lauren Scurry

JOHN THE BAPTIST – PREPARING THE WAY OF THE LORD

In chapter one of John’s Gospel, we are introduced to John the Baptist. He writes, “There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that Light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the Light; he came only as a witness to the Light.” (vs 6-7)

But the account of John the Baptist is most clearly detailed in the Gospel of Luke. In chapter 1, the angel Gabriel appears to the priest Zechariah and promises that his barren wife Elizabeth will bear a son who is to be named John. Gabriel tells him, “And [John] will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.” (vs 17)

John, the cousin of Jesus, was born to prepare the way of the Lord – the coming of the Messiah – to proclaim to the people the plan that had been declared since the beginning through the prophets. Amos 3:7 says, “The Lord God does nothing without revealing his plan to his servants the prophets.”

Luke records the song of praise that his father, Zechariah, sings over him after John is born:

“And you, child, will be called

a prophet of the Most High,

for you will go before the Lord

to prepare his ways,

to give his people knowledge of salvation

through the forgiveness of their sins.

Because of our God’s merciful compassion,

the dawn from on high will visit us

to shine on those who live in darkness

and the shadow of death,

to guide our feet into the way of peace.”

(Luke 1:76-79)

God’s plan had always been to raise up a mighty Deliverer, a descendant of David, to rescue His people from their enemies and to turn their hearts back to Him. But the first part of His plan was to deal with the enemy of sin. This was how John would prepare the way.

Luke continues to tell us that John went into all the country around the Jordan, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins, fulfilling the words of the prophet Isaiah,

“A voice of one calling in the wilderness,

‘Prepare the way for the Lord,

make straight paths for him.

Every valley shall be filled in,

every mountain and hill made low.

The crooked roads shall become straight,

the rough ways smooth.

And all people will see God’s salvation.’”

(Luke 3:3-6)

John, this mighty prophet of God, did not come with much fanfare or pageantry. The Gospels never mention any miracles that he performed and describe him as a loner who lived in the desert, dressed in camel hair, eating locust and honey. He likely seemed more like the village crazy than an anointed man of the Lord Most High. In Matthew 11, Jesus says that John came “neither eating or drinking” (vs 18), meaning that he did not frequently socialize with the rest of society. He did not seek out the masses, yet the masses sought him. People from throughout Jerusalem and Judea went out to see him. (Matthew 3:5, John 1:28 & 3:23). He was amazingly influential as hundreds upon hundreds of people were baptized by him. His influence was phenomenal; yet there was nothing about him that would warrant the kind of popularity that John gained throughout the Jordanian countryside.

Nothing except the message he proclaimed.

John’s message was simple. Return to God in repentance so that you may receive the forgiveness of sins. In order to testify about the Light of the world, John had to call people to recognize that they were living in the darkness of sin. This is how he “made ready a people prepared for the Lord,” by shining a light on their darkness so that they would recognize the Light when He appeared.

And when one day, Jesus Himself approached John by the Jordan River, John declared without hesitation, “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! This is he of whom I said, ‘After me comes a man who ranks before me, because he was before me.’ I myself did not know him, but for this purpose I came baptizing with water, that he might be revealed to Israel…And I have seen and have borne witness that this is the Son of God.” (John 1:29-34)

John’s sole purpose in life was to prepare the hearts of the people for the coming of the Messiah as he bore witness to the Light.

Jesus says that His followers are the “light of the world.” We too are called to testify and bear witness to the Light. Like John, our stories of grace, forgiveness, provision, and love that we have received from God just might be the method the Lord uses to prepare another heart to receive Him.

1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his possession, so that you may proclaim the praises of the one who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”

So now, go out and testify, proclaim, and bear witness to the Light that has come and shattered your darkness!

Jenni Norsworthy

 

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