Ebenezer Collective

COVERED BY HIS FEATHERS

Emily Hildebrand

During the time of waiting, when we didn’t know if the baby would be one we’d bring home or not, and during the months after the loss, God opened my eyes to so much. I learned truth that I hope I will cling on to forever, and I believe it has changed me for the better – as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, and as a believer in Jesus.

My husband, Joseph, and I learned that we were pregnant with our second child in June of 2016. Of course, in my mind at the time, I felt like it was taking longer than I had hoped to get pregnant, and we were aiming for that “ideal” two year gap between siblings. So phew! Answered prayer and hallelujah to this second baby! After our first appointment, I walked out of the doctor’s office numb and confused about my emotions. The baby’s heartbeat and size wasn’t what it typically should be, so we would need to come back in for another look the following week. We were hanging in the tension of everything being totally fine, or completely not fine at all. Another week and we returned with the same unanswered questions. Still a slower heartbeat, but no real conclusion. I had never experienced that kind of pull before – where my mind was doing tug-a-war with hope and reality. My first response was to disengage, protect myself, disconnect from this baby that may not make it into the world. However, I felt guilt about that, because I felt like I needed to believe for the best. We carried on in this period of waiting and unknown for the first 10 weeks of the pregnancy, asking family and friends to pray fervently for a change of outcome, but feeling unable to celebrate the life of this new baby. At the beginning of August we went in for another sonogram, which concluded that there was no heartbeat. A wash of both sadness and relief came over me. Relief to be beyond the purgatory of the unknown, and of course, devastated over the loss. And, then as is typical for me, I was ready to move forward with what was next and get back to where I “wanted” to be. But God, the One who carves our paths and authors each stroke, wasn’t going to let this suffering go by without using it for His good and His glory.

First, God had to teach me how to allow myself to experience emotion. I tend to be a person that wants to look “put together” on the outside, and will only break apart when I feel like nobody’s watching. So I decided I needed to FEEL it. To give myself permission to be sad and heartbroken and feel like things were unfair. “In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free.” Psalm 118:5. The more I allowed myself to be vulnerable and honest, the more healing came. And I think it was most important to be honest with God…He knows my heart anyways! So I began to open up to Him in prayer. I began praying my desires for the future, but also admitting the feelings of loss. This helped to cultivate deeper intimacy with Him. I didn’t have to come to Him with the “right” prayers, just the truth! I have learned that in the act of praying itself, God begins to shape our desires to be more like His!

While we were waiting to find out the outcome of our pregnancy, I began reading the book Hope Heals by Katherine and Jay Wolf and I finished it after the loss. They write, “We all probably have a straightforward picture in our heads of what our lives will look like and who we will become. The pictures are of wonderful things that happen at the exact right time, but when something happens that is not inside the four corners of that picture, we view it as a detour and hope to get back on track as quickly as possible.” For me, my first thought was, “Okay, what can I do to get pregnant again as soon as possible? Because I just need to get back to that place that I had already pictured in my head.” But this “detour,” and all the other “detours” I will experience are not off of God’s course, but are actually important pieces of the beautiful picture that God is painting for my life! God sees the entire picture, the masterpiece, and HE DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. Proverbs 20:24 says, “My steps are directed by the Lord. How can I know and understand His own way.” He knew this would be part of the story He is writing for me, and for my family. I can believe that God entrusted me with that experience, with that struggle, to bring me near to Him and to allow me to share His goodness with others, even in the pain. So that my hope wouldn’t be for an outcome – the outcome I wanted of having another baby. My hope is in Jesus. When I decided that my #1 goal was not to get pregnant again, but to know and trust and love and experience Him more, I could settle and find a place of contentment in my heart. My mom said to me, “You just rest, and let God surprise you.” I have clung so tightly to that, that calm trust with anticipation that God is doing far more than I could ask or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)

I also had to make a conscious choice to CELEBRATE exactly where God had me after the miscarriage. I couldn’t wait for the version of life that I thought I wanted. As 1 Thessalonians 5:15-16 says, “Rejoice always! Pray constantly. Give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” The Lord was urging me to love every second with my 2 year old, and to love what my marriage looked like right in that season where we had a lot of time and energy to give each other. God called me to dive into the life I had RIGHT NOW with gratitude, and not focus on waiting for what I wished things looked like.

The Lord pressed upon me that He designs all kinds of families. My eyes were open to the beautiful, unique, perfectly created families all around me! It was a revelation that His timing and His planning of our family was more perfect than I could ever plan myself. I had a new confidence in the waiting, because what I was waiting for was going to be far better than I could ever guess or request in my wildest dreams!

God didn’t waste a moment in the weeks of the unknown or the months after the loss. When we learned that we were pregnant again in December, my hands were more open than they had ever been. From the moment I took the positive pregnancy test, I knew this baby was entrusted to God. She belonged to Him first, as He so perfectly knit her together in my womb, as Psalm 139:13-14 so beautifully describes. And amazingly, I didn’t feel the fear that I might have anticipated, but instead a freedom to know that He would walk with me through every moment on the road ahead. I could continue to celebrate – celebrate this new life growing inside me and continue to practice trusting in Him because He is good. Always.

Charlotte Wyn joined our family on August 23, 2017, one year after experiencing the loss of our second baby. The Lord keeps inviting me to cling tightly to Him in my fears and worries. We chose the verse Psalm 91:4 to have written in her nursery, to speak and pray over her, “He will cover you with His feathers. He will shelter you with His wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” The words remind me that I can look back and see His faithfulness, as well as look forward – trusting Him in His perfect plans and knowing that I am covered and protected by a most loving God in every circumstance.

EVERYTHING IS MADE BEAUTIFUL IN ITS TIME

Amy Merritt

Healing from childhood trauma and sexual abuse

Childhood for me was full of uncertainties and an overwhelming absence – void of love, nurturing, compassion, and tenderness. Whether it was not knowing when my mom would come home, or whether she would come home drunk; if a stranger would be coming home with her at night, or if she would call needing help from jail. Would we have food to eat and bills paid? Would we have clothes to wear to school? How long would I be left alone? From the ages of 5 to 10 years old, I had experienced sexual abuse by 3 different people. At a young age, I wasn’t able to understand what was done to me, nor did I tell anyone. One of the abusers was my brother, who was my mom’s favorite out of my two siblings, so early on I told myself what happened to me would never matter to her. Being left alone and unattended with strangers and with my older brother and his friends never made me feel anything except scared, dirty, alone, and forgotten. My mom’s value of her boyfriends over us kids left me feeling abandoned and worthless. No one cared for me. That little girl felt like a used, tossed out rag.

Growing up, I coped with my childhood in many ways that were destructive. My life as a tomboy teenager and young adult were full of stealing, lying, cheating, manipulating, and being promiscuous. I sought unhealthy attention from men – trading my soul for what I thought was love – only ending up broken and abused again by men I dated and their friends. I was living under deep shame, guilt, and rejection. Not feeling love, not feeling safe, and not feeling significant. I felt like no one saw me or cared, but I just kept going through the pain, choosing the same things over and over again, as if I had no choice. These choices were miserable and devastating. I graduated high school a year early to escape my home life, and chose to get married as I started my first semester in college at 18. Somehow, I graduated with my bachelor’s in psychology, but by the time I walked the stage, my marriage had already ended in divorce. I left home, trying to gain freedom at 17, but instead just led myself into another layer of heartache and brokenness – seeking my worth from relationships.

Blaming myself for a broken marriage, my life fell further apart. I began an 8 year battle with bulimia and my divorce propelled me into a more self-destructive lifestyle. I allowed men to further use me and objectify me. Putting myself into situations with strangers where I was paid to be filmed and/or photographed in ways I hate even thinking about now. Within a few years, I had become a shell of a girl. I hid myself so deep, that I didn’t even remember who I was, or maybe I never knew. I walked through life, working really hard in jobs and school, but never having any real friends. The only people in my life were men. Feeling like trust was so far off the table, my boundaries were invisible and so was my self esteem. At one point in college, I was given the opportunity to fly to the beautiful island of Hawaii and make a LOT of money, something like $20,000, but the job required things I just couldn’t agree to, and thankfully there was a whisper that I heard that day that gave me the answer and courage to say “no.” On this day, I felt strength for the first time and decided I had had enough, and I stopped working in the shadows.

“Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left.” Isaiah 30:21

Over the next 10 years I went back to school, became a Registered Nurse, and began to live a less destructive lifestyle, but I still struggled with codependent relationships. After a brief six months without a relationship, I met my current husband who was nothing like the other guys I had known. Looking back, those 6 months were a time I started to see what I was capable of, rather than what men made me capable of. After almost 4 years of dating, we got married. My life seemed better and my husband wasn’t trying to manipulate or use me, but because of my lack of emotional skills, I didn’t understand how to function in this new setting. The life I lived had produced in me a hard heart shaped by fear, brokenness, and distrust. It continued into my marriage. I still had no idea how to actually trust someone and believe they wouldn’t hurt me, so I was always on edge – “waiting for the other shoe to drop” as my husband used to say.

Within the first 5 years of our marriage, I had 2 affairs and deepy struggled with anger, feeling unloved and unlovable, and still incapable of trusting anyone. Life was exhausting. I didn’t realize any of these things until I was 33 years old. I thought I’d chosen bad relationships because I was bad and felt I didn’t deserve anything good. I thought I was the reason my life was so hard and that I would never be able to change or have a chance at happiness. I didn’t even know what happiness was, and I felt like all the things I did, I didn’t want to do, but I didn’t know how to do anything differently.

“I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate…And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.” Romans 7:15, 18-20

But here’s where the second part of my life begins! Three years into our marriage, while I was was in nurse practitioner school, my daughter was born. She was born perfect (like any mom would say), she was wonderful and lovely, and my heart began to soften a bit. Although I was married to a wonderful guy – kind, caring, sincere, generous, and humble – our relationship was really hard. I had so many struggles with my self-esteem and trusting him; I don’t think I had ever trusted anyone to this point, and I did not know how. I felt like I was a failure and I was dealing with heavy shame from the secret of my affairs and choices I had made as a young adult. After a few years, when our daughter was 20 months old, my husband and I, both frustrated and unhappy in our marriage, finally took some friends up on an offer to go to church with them.

It wasn’t long before I was captivated by the truth that I had never heard before. I had heard something about God as a child – that He existed somewhere. But I had never heard about Jesus. Can you imagine!? Writing this breaks my heart for all those hurt people who feel lost and unseen like I did. I heard for the first time that I was loved unconditionally, and that I was not identified by my past or my sins, but by the sacrificial death and the resurrection of the Son of God – Jesus. I felt drawn to this truth, I wanted to know more about this freedom and over the course of 6-12 months, God opened my heart to hear from Him. I chose to believe that Jesus died for me and it was enough to cover my sins and give me a new life in Christ. I was free from so much shame and guilt I had lived with from childhood – all the sexual abuse, the promiscuity, the ways I’d devalued myself with men, the things I let others do to me willingly and unwillingly, my divorce, my affairs, my eating disorder. I was blameless and clean, without a single fault in the Lord’s eyes. His unconditional love began to cover me and redeem and renew the broken pieces in my heart.

As a mom and wife, I had always struggled with control and perfectionism. But by the time my second child, a son, was born I was able to walk in the freedom of 2 Corinthians 5:17 – that I am a new creation in Christ Jesus. Being a baby Christian of only 2 years, there were still times when I was pretty angry and controlling, especially toward my husband. I decided to learn more about God by attending a recovery ministry specifically for sexual abuse victims at my church. I didn’t think I was struggling with the shame and guilt from my past abuse and didn’t think I needed any “healing” – I had just been baptized! But I did love the Lord, and I felt like this was a place I could go and learn more about who God is. Ha! God is really good at working all things for His glory and in His timing! The very first night I heard a testimony that mirrored what my life was like, with anger seeping out all over, and I truly believed that I was in the right place and that God had something really amazing for me there and my heart remained hungry for truth.

As the weeks went on over the course of almost a year, I began to really see that I still believed so many lies about myself regarding my past choices and behaviors, and that there was a lot of shame and guilt still lingering. I had always seen myself the way the world saw me in regard to my sexual past – a slut – and I felt that was the price I paid for the choices I made. It was firmly planted in me early from my experiences that I was dirty, worthless, and unlovable. No one had even cared for me as a child, and that was the life I lived out over the next 30 years. But God lovingly reminded me through this ministry that I could know the truth in John 8:32 – to know who God is, know who God calls me, and to know what plans He has for me – and that truth can set me free. God comforted me and showed me that I needed to surrender all of my heart, including my past, and my present over to Him. I began to trust the Lord more and began to learn to trust others as well. I allowed Him to truly give me my identity – a fully new creation, instead of just partly new.

I began to see that my anger was related to my need to control, which came out of the fear I had from the experiences of my childhood and family brokenness. The uncertainties, abuse, and abandonment had shaped me going forward. As a child, the lack of control I had when my “no” was taken away (when others defiled me and took something from me that wasn’t theirs to take) came out as control and fear and looked like anger, along with many layers of heartache and broken relationships. That anger would come out anytime I began to “lose control” of others or situations. I constantly feared that I would not be enough for my husband and that fear often turned into anger. God used my time in this ministry to pull off all my layers that were still hard and hidden and I began to feel a tug on my heart to confess about my affairs from 8 years ago to my husband…but that is a whole other Ebenezer!

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16

Do you want to feel how much God loves you? Try being completely honest and vulnerable with Him and let Him comfort you and strengthen you to do some really hard things. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” The time had come for this to be true in my marriage. My old self was so far gone, I didn’t even recognize her – the freedom I had in being the daughter of the King, Who lavishes me with His love, Who is enthralled with my beauty, Who rescues and protects me, that was the woman standing in the living room on the day I confessed my deepest, darkest secret to my husband. By God’s amazing grace, my husband accepted me with open arms and heart, and embraced me. He had also experienced the same amazing love and grace of being a child of God over the last 3 years, and together we stood – once broken and separated by our sin and flesh, but now coming together as one because of God and by the healing power of the Gospel that had seeped into every area of our life now. Healing was not completed overnight, but my biggest fears in confession were shattered by the love of God. A few months later, my husband and I went through a marriage ministry program that truly gave us a solid foundation in Christ to anchor our marriage.

This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long. Now I am leading others through healing in the recovery of sexual abuse at my church. It is the passion God has given me, He has made it beautiful in its time.

Hear more of Amy’s story here: Mom Struggling Well Podcast: Episode 51

or on iTunes: Mom Struggling Well Podcast: Episode 51 on itunes

VULNERABILITY

Last week, Jenni gave insight into the effects of shame, and the freedom that comes from bringing these dark corners of our lives into the light. The key that unlocks the dark prison of shame is vulnerability.

We naturally like to put the past behind us, make sure “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” and “put our best foot forward.” But that’s a dance that will leave us completely exhausted! Sadly, this self-preserving dance can be especially prevalent in the church. We fear we might lose spiritual credibility if we give too many details about our broken past, and even more so if we’re honest about our current struggles. But where did we get this idea? I don’t see any scripture that gives credence to that kind of secrecy and avoidance. On the contrary, I see countless examples of broken people being used mightily by God, and endless instructions to “walk in the light” (1 John 1:7), “confess” (James 5:16), and “go…tell” (Mark 5:19). Holding back from being fully known is not based on truth, but on shame and fear. We fear what people might think of us if we let them see our imperfections, so we keep our polite distance. But “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1)

This self-protecting façade in the American church is one of the biggest triggers I see for the mass exit by Millennials. They’re not fooled. They (we) want to be surrounded by genuine, authentic, relatable people. So if we Christians believe that God’s Word is true, and if we want to reach this generation, vulnerability has got to become a more normal part of the Christian life, as it was always meant to be. “The one who loves his brother abides in the Light and there is no cause for stumbling in him.” (1 John 2:10) It’s confusing for the world to look at Christians and see people who seem to have it all together, with no real struggles or problems to speak of. It becomes a stumbling block, giving the appearance that only “good” people belong in church, so they must not be welcome since they certainly have struggles. My pastor uses the phrase “terminally unique” to describe this phenomenon. Until we hear others opening up about difficult situations, habits that are getting out of hand, and rough patches in relationships, it’s easy to feel terminally unique in our struggles.

So what does vulnerability look like? It’s being willing to say “I’m sorry.” Keeping short accounts. Admitting we got something wrong, or we don’t know it all. Reaching out in a broken relationship. Sharing doubts and fears. Being honest with someone who has hurt you. Listening openly to an opposing opinion or belief. Asking for help. Asking forgiveness. Extending forgiveness. Allowing others in when we’re not at our best. Admitting this part of life is harder than we thought. Identifying specific sin struggles we keep going back to. Asking for accountability to guard against that specific sin in the future. Being willing to go first.

Picture yourself starting these conversations in some relationships in your life. It feels uncomfortable and risky, like the other person could take advantage of you and cause more harm than good. It feels weak. But now, reread the list from the opposite perspective, as if someone was reaching out to you in this vulnerable way. Now, it feels more like compassion, authenticity, and initiation. That’s not what I would call weak. In fact, Brené Brown says that “vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.”

These practices are not only beneficial for living out our faith in a more relatable way, but for our own spiritual, mental, and even physical health. Brown shared some recent research in her book, Daring Greatly: “In a pioneering study, psychologist and University of Texas professor James Pennebaker and his colleagues studied what happened when trauma survivors— specifically rape and incest survivors— kept their experiences secret. The research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event. Conversely, when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor’s visits decreased, and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones.” (p.82) Jesus’ brother James said “confess your sins to each other, and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16) So there’s a revolutionary healing that takes place when we’re bold enough to admit our broken places to God, and to others.

That truth is not just limited to extreme cases, but can be applied in our everyday life. One area that I have found healing through vulnerability is in my thought life. I used to replay events from my day, having imaginary conversations with people where I said what I wish I could say in real life. These thoughts I call “spirals” would keep me up at night, distract me from being present with my kids, invade my prayer life, and would sometimes even have physical effects, making my heart race as I got fired up internally. But God’s Word says to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5) So I asked a friend if I could text her each time my mind went into spiral mode. She agreed, and I was scared. It was mortifying to admit to someone I love and respect that I was such a mess. I dreaded sending those texts. I was full of shame. But I found freedom and acceptance in her responses. She would thank me, encourage me, and remind me who I am in Christ. I cried every time. My heart needed that truth, and my sin needed that exposure. It didn’t take long for those spiraling thoughts to redirect. At first, it was mostly just to avoid sending that awkward text! But then it became a habit to recite a verse instead of replay a conversation. I found peace, I can sleep, I’m more present in the moment, and most excitingly, I can PRAY without interruption. My mind has been trained to abide instead of spiral, and it all started with a vulnerable text.

If you’re not sure exactly where you’re struggling, or how to put it into words, there’s a tool for that! “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12) Studying the Bible exposes our darkness, and points us to the Healer. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin.” (Hebrews 4:15) We can trust the Healer, Jesus, because He went first. He is the ultimate image of vulnerability, hanging naked on a cross. He reached out to us in our broken relationship with the Father. He asked others for help. He asked tons of questions. He listened. He cried. He begged the Father for a way out of His hard situation, admitting it was excruciatingly painful.
Vulnerability is vital to our faith. We are fulfilling our role as Christ-followers when we have the courage to admit our insufficiencies. “Jesus said to them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17) May we never think we are too healthy to need a Healer. It’s one of the many paradoxical theologies of scripture that we are only made strong when we finally admit our weakness. “He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
Amanda Buccola

AN ADOPTION JOURNEY

Ruthie Hart

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

James 1:27 doesn’t make sense without recognizing that God adopted us into His family. He adopted us out of death and into His Kingdom of everlasting love and life, the greatest form of adoption there ever was. Worship in its purest form is caring for orphans in the eyes of the Lord. Adoption shouldn’t be our plan B if natural fertility doesn’t work…we weren’t God’s plan B. Our Heavenly Father delights in our adoption of those orphans and widows – for through it we are displaying the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I wrote the words above on my blog on November 1, 2012. I sat in church on Orphan Sunday convicted by the Holy Spirit in a way I had never felt His presence before. We had been married a year and a half and on the drive home from church, my husband and I looked at each other and knew that adoption would be a part of our story and how we would grow our family. Two weeks later we got pregnant with our first son and when he was a year old, we got pregnant with our daughter. Over those combined two years, I prayed a confusing prayer. “God did you really call us to adoption? Did I hear that incorrectly?” We wanted to be obedient not only to what we are called to as believers, but also to what we felt God call our family specifically to do. And what did God tell us? Be patient. Trust me. Keep praying, I am not finished with your story. I remember it clearly. I heard a song where the lyrics read “You had a purpose, a rescue plan for me to move from orphan, to move from enemy, adopted in Your blessed royalty.” (My King Forever by Jimmy McNeal). I stared down at my 4 month old daughter while my 2 year old son toddled around. It was time.

Through research and prayer, my husband and I signed on with Christian Adoption Consultants to start the journey of bringing home our third baby through adoption. We spent months preparing our home study, curating our family profile book that would be shown to expectant mamas looking to place their babies with adoptive families, and praying. The world thought we were crazy, expanding our family with two young children, but we knew God was faithful. I quickly realized how little control I had over this process, and felt like God was using this time to strip me of my control idol – my deep desire and need to know exactly what is happening and how it will ultimately unfold. (parenting in general has done such a great job of slowly chipping away at idol!) One thing I have to remind hopeful/future adoptive parents, and even the everyday person, is that adoption comes out of sin and brokenness. We saw things and learned things that we can never unsee. Things that most of the world is sheltered from and ignorant to. A bold prayer we had prayed at the beginning of the process was being answered, “God break our hearts for what breaks yours.”

July 5, 2016, we got the call. We had been matched with an expectant mama, who I will call “M,” who was pregnant with a baby girl due November 10th. We were overjoyed! A sister for my daughter. We spent the next 4 months preparing our home and hearts for another baby and loving on M. One thing that no one ever talks about in adoption is expectant moms. They are scared, vulnerable, brave, emotional….loving on M was easy, but foreign. There isn’t any other relationship I had to compare it to, but I made it my goal to love her well and show her who Jesus was. It was the first time since we started our adoption that it wasn’t about the baby. It was about the mama. The woman who was carrying what could be our daughter, hundreds of miles away from where we lived. And it was beautiful. We Skyped, texted, talked on the phone, got to know each other, laughed when we compared how similar our sassy daughters were, prayed together, and we made plans to be family. I loved, and still love M so hard.

The week before baby girl was due, I knew something was going on when I hadn’t heard from M for a few days. I reached out to our social worker who hadn’t heard from her either. Friday November 4th at 12:30pm is when we got the call. M had birthed a beautiful and healthy baby girl the night before and couldn’t place her for adoption. My knees buckled and I started heaving. I had never known devastation and heartbreak like this, and it was one of the only times I’ve ever seen my husband cry. I felt sad, alone, and so fragile – but never angry. Those next 2 days were a blur. We had a slew of friends and family come over to drop off meals, pray with us, pick-up our kiddos, and with each new face I saw, the whimpering tears would start flowing.

We never saw it coming, our social worker kept telling us this was “the best case scenario” and she knew M would go through with the plan. We didn’t protect our hearts and loved with reckless abandon, and I am so glad we did. I talked to M two days after we got the call and she couldn’t stop telling me she was sorry. I felt so much peace and calmness talking with her. This was not my baby, it was hers. There had been a plan, but nothing was promised. This was always her choice to make, never mine. I had so much joy that this beautiful baby girl would not experience the trauma of leaving her biological mother. She would grow up with biological siblings and parents who loved her so much that they couldn’t do what everyone thought she should do. My joy, my peace, and my delight was not of my own conjuring. It was the power of Christ in me. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Yes, Ruthie it was. This was your story all along.

Those 4 months were predestined by God for me to tell M about Jesus! To pray for her heart and for her salvation and that she would trust in her Creator, our God. And she did! That conversation I had with her, 3 days after her daughter was born, she told me something that continues to be the biggest source of encouragement to me in my walk with the Lord. It was that my husband and I reminded her who God was and that He was for her. We had never exchanged last names before and I told her what we had planned on naming the baby girl, “Penny Grace Hart,” and she said, “Ruthie, you are not going to believe this! Can I send you a picture of baby girl?” I cried tears of joy when I looked at M’s daughter and immediately noticed the large heart-shaped birthmark on her leg – dark and 100% visible. The Hart family was always meant to be a part of this little girl’s story.

The next day, November 7, 2016, I posted this on social media, asking for prayers and privacy with the announcement of our failed adoption. I had an overwhelming sense of peace that Monday morning and could feel the Lord helping me pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together. I could smile knowing that He is sovereign, He is good, and His ways are higher than mine.

That evening, I had a group of girlfriends come over to cheer me up with chocolate and girl talk. There were lots of tears, but so many laughs, and I told them that once we start back up the adoption process, I wanted to get a call that a baby had already been born. I couldn’t bear the thought of going through 4 months of waiting in limbo, or another failed adoption. Oh, and I was sure it would be a boy, because right upstairs I had spent the past 4 months decorating an adorable room for our daughter. God is just funny like that, right? Little did I know what God was up to that very evening.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016 at 2pm – my kiddos were napping and a call from our social worker popped up, and I instantly started the word vomit. I don’t think I ever took a breath explaining to her how I felt the Lord healing me in such a miraculous way. I felt Him near me and inside of me. Psalm 103 tells us that God has compassion for us, and in those few days, it was so overwhelming how strongly I felt it. The moment I finally stopped talking she asked me, “Ruthie are you sitting down?” Which of course the answer was “no,” I was pacing around, excited at the thought of feeling whole again. She told me to go get Jon, who happened to be working from home downstairs and the next few hours were again, a blur.

“There was a baby born last night.”

“It is a boy.”

“Biracial.”

“Are you interested?”

“Can you Skype with the birth mom?”

And the tears were flowing. Not the same tears we had cried just 4 days before, but tears of elation and of truth. God promised He wouldn’t leave us, He is making all things new. That evening we wrote a letter to this boy’s birth mom, and she was shown our family profile scrapbook. On Thursday she chose us to be her son’s parents. On Friday she signed relinquishment and we were on an airplane to get our baby. Seven days. God created the world in 7 days, and in 7 days we lost a daughter and gained a son. This was all a part of His plan. The broken road to lead us to our son.

Jesus, you sit at the right hand side of God on Your throne and are King of kings. You are powerful, glorious, and worthy of all praise. You are a God who suffers with us. A God who came down to earth, took on human flesh, lived the perfect life, and died the perfect death. You suffered in a way that I can’t seem to wrap my head around, and You did it for me. And for my son, and for M and her daughter. You died so You can walk alongside of me in my suffering, because You have been there. I will never again underestimate Your power and what You can accomplish through Your people. Sometimes you do greater things through people than with people. You told me 3 times to name our son “Gideon.” A strong and mighty warrior. Gideon Aaron, you are my Ebenezer stone.

Here is a video we put together about the whirlwind journey to our son Gideon.

TRUST AND PROVISION

Stefanie Spencer

In January of 2016, the Holy Spirit laid the word “trust” on my heart. I don’t say this lightly, as I am a skeptic when I hear people say, “the Lord spoke to me,” or, “God laid it on my heart.” I mean, big eye roll (maybe internally because I wouldn’t want to offend you) and lots of questions swirl in my mind.

However, the verse Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths,” was on repeat in my head. I just couldn’t stop it from playing over and over in the back of my mind. I knew God wanted this verse to mean something to me. And I was annoyed. I thought, “Ugh, why this verse? It is so overused and cliché in the Christian community, God. I want something different!” Over and over, I said “no” and searched for something else in Scripture, and over and over God pointed me to Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust me,” He whispered. I finally conceded. I remember sitting in my backyard while my children napped confessing to a couple of girlfriends who were doing a bible study with me about my reluctance to obey God’s leading. This was the first time I experienced God speaking to me this heavily. It felt strange; surreal. I had no idea God was about to show me that He is in every detail of my life. He was calling me to a front row seat where I would see His goodness and faithfulness through provision after provision over the next year.

Psalm 100:3 “Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.”

On March 31st, I held a positive pregnancy test in my hand for our third child. My husband, Nate, and I were joyful, yet nervous. We had a 3 and 1 year old, and let’s just say it hadn’t been easy. Our first daughter cried for about the first 9 months of her life, my husband had a very demanding job, I suffered from postpartum depression after our second daughter, and we were intentionally working to improve our marriage. Could we really do this? Then I heard it. Trust me…

A week later, April 7th, I received a message from Nate that he had just been laid off that morning. I thought he was joking – seriously, that was my response. This was a complete shock to both of us. We knew his company was about to have a mass layoff, but we were confident that his job was secure. The night before, we had prayed for those that would be laid off the next day and discussed how hard it would be to receive that news. The very next evening, we stared at one another in disbelief, while being filled with so many worries. The questions started churning in my mind. “What would we do? How long would it take to have income again? What about health insurance? We had a new baby on the way!” This was out of my control. I could see the weight of providing for our family on my husband’s shoulders. The whisper came. Trust me…

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your request to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

I started to see the Lord lead our path immediately. A trusted friend stepped in to encourage my husband with truth and helped fill his days with purpose as he began to sort out the next steps of his career. Then just as I was starting to feel comfortable with our plan, Nate told me he wanted to start his own company. Bam! Fear, anger, worry, control….the thoughts just wouldn’t stop. Nate’s dedication to his career and his desire to work for himself had long been a source of contention in our marriage. Starting his own company felt overwhelming, especially now with another baby on the way. But, I knew this was something he needed to pursue because it had been on his heart for such a long time. I also knew I needed to fully support him. My head screamed no, but my heart heard those words…Trust me.

“Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17

May 4th, Nate received an offer for contract work that would provide up to 40 hours of work a week with the flexibility and support to pursue his own venture. What was only supposed to last 90 days, turned into 7 months. It was exactly what our family needed. Provision.

May 12th, at ten weeks pregnant, I felt a gush of fluid and saw blood. I thought we lost our baby. I rushed to the doctor, sobbing uncontrollably and begging the Lord for this baby’s life. One of my dearest friends dropped everything to be with me at the appointment. We heard the heartbeat. Provision.

Over the next 8 weeks, as my body continued to bleed, I fought to trust God and “lean not on my own understanding.” Every morning in prayer, I would acknowledge that this baby belonged to God and that no matter what happened, God was good. This was not in my control. I fought fear of losing the baby, anxiety over more complications for the baby or myself and lies that I was being punished for having doubts on how I would be able to handle 3 under 4 or that I didn’t deserve another child. And every day I heard, Trust me…

Then the bleeding stopped and every sonogram was good news. Provision.

In July, while serving in our church’s pre-married class, Nate overheard a prominent and successful business leader tell his story about starting his own venture, and immediately reached out to this person for advice and was greeted with an invitation to talk. The result of this conversation was not what Nate was hoping to hear – this person wisely advised Nate that starting a business at this moment would not be in the best interest of our marriage. The truth, which was difficult to hear, was Provision…even though Nate didn’t see it that way at the time.

In August of that year, we faced a big decision on whether to leave our community group. We had only been with the group we were in for six months – was this the wisest decision? But both of us kept hearing those words. Trust me…

Through the change we have experienced great joy and growth by moving to a different group. I saw a transformation in Nate’s leadership of our family, as well as in his walk with God. Provision.

In September, our air conditioner died. A large cost that we weren’t expecting. Trust me. That same week, we received a financial gift that would cover the cost of replacing our unit. Provision.

December 5th, our sweet baby boy was born. Provision.

At this time, Nate’s contract work was wrapping up and his venture wasn’t quite where he wanted it to be. We both felt peace about continuing into the next year without income, but then God showed up in an incredible way. Out of the blue, Nate received a phone call from a company that had offered him a position two years prior. The same position (one that he was very interested in) was open again, and they wanted him for the job. Two years prior, we didn’t NEED the job and he turned it down because we had a newborn and toddler and it required a move across country and travel among other things. Here we were again with the same offer, but now we had a newborn, a toddler, and a preschooler and no income. We prayed and sought counsel. The obvious answer was to take the position, but it still didn’t seem right. After seeking input from our community and mentors, we determined what our counter offer would be. We weren’t sure that it would be seen as viable, but we were content that these were the terms we would need to make it work for us – think of it as our perfect scenario for this position. To our surprise, they accepted!!! This new job was an answer to prayers for our family that I had been praying for years. Provision.

I wish I could list all the small situations where God whispered “trust me” to my heart and then immediately offered provision, because there are so many more. My journal is full of entries where I struggled to trust the Lord and not lean on my own understanding during this season, but every time I acknowledged Him, my path was made straight and He poured out abundant kindness to me. I don’t believe that provision from God is always in the form of a yes, as I have experienced answers in different forms, but He sought my heart in the year 2016 in a way that my eyes were opened to His love for me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

SHAME

Horrible things can grow in the darkness – and no, I’m not talking about rot or mildew. I’m talking about shame, a soul-crushing emotion that I’m sure most, if not all, of us have experienced at some point in our lives. While shame is often interchanged with feelings like regret, remorse, or guilt, I would argue that it is altogether distinct and different. Shame can certainly grow out of these feelings; however, shame is unique in that it causes us to believe lies about ourselves. Shame can eat away at our identities – it tells us that what we did is who we are, and it convinces us that we are incapable of change. Shame is a deception from the enemy.

Shame never had a stronger hold on me than when I became a mother. After nine months of eager anticipation, I had this beautiful bundle of joy; she was mine, she was precious, she was perfect. But the joy that everyone told me I was supposed to have, felt fleeting at best. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was struggling with Postpartum Depression, but I had convinced myself that surely PPD wasn’t something that “someone like me” would ever deal with. Depression had never been part of my story before, so surely these were just “baby blues” – caused by adjusting to our new season of life and struggling to transition from working-wife to stay-at-home-mom. But as the weeks and months passed with little to no improvement in how I was feeling, deep shame began to set in. The lies that I began to believe were that I was a horrible mother and undeserving of this precious gift. I barely wanted to leave my little girl’s side for fear that she might be taken from me. I unknowingly began to pull away from my husband and friends, thinking that if I were to be truly honest about how I was feeling, they would judge me, disown me, maybe even send me to seek professional help. I tried my best to hide behind a mask that everything was okay, but eventually people started to see the cracks.

Brene Brown, a well-known author and speaker, has done extensive research on shame and vulnerability. She says, “Shame hates it when we reach out and share our story. It hates having words wrapped around it – it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” Someone else once said, “What you can’t say owns you. What you hide controls you.” I deeply connect with these wise words. The shame I was trying to hide and keep a secret controlled everything, and instead of it going away, it only continued to grow. John 3:20-21 says, “For everyone who does evil things hates the light and avoids it, so that his actions won’t be exposed. But everyone who does what is true comes to the light, so that all may see that his actions are accomplished through God.”

I am so fortunate to attend a church where we are consistently encouraged and challenged to live authentically, to be vulnerable, and to bear one another’s burdens. I think it’s in our human nature to hide our shame – just look at Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:7-13)! Somehow, we believe that the disgrace we will endure is far greater than carrying the burden of shame. But as I started to share more and more of how and what I was feeling with those closest to me, the heavy burden of shame slowly began to lift. They didn’t judge, they didn’t condemn, they didn’t disown me. Instead they met me with love, grace, and understanding.

“Shame cannot survive being spoken and being met with empathy.” -Brene Brown

I don’t know what Ms. Brown’s religious beliefs are, but it’s interesting how many people, from all walks of life, have flocked to her words about shame and vulnerability. Yet the truth behind her words is not a new revelation, but is in fact spread across the pages of Scripture. Paul writes in Romans 8:1-2, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.”

God does not desire for us to live in shame and He has made provision, through Christ, so that we don’t have to. In 1 Peter 2:24 it says, “He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, so that we, removed from sins, might live for righteousness. ‘By His wounds you were healed.’” Peter is quoting directly from Isaiah 53, where we read that it pleased the Lord to crush Jesus and make Him a guilt offering – accomplishing the pleasure of the Lord, so that Jesus would justify many and carry their iniquities. Jesus bore our sin and shame so that we can now bear the image of God.

Our past does not define us, and our worth is not found in what we do, but in Whose we are. To battle shame – the half truths and deceptions of the enemy – we must not only bring our shame into the light through confession, but we must remind ourselves of Whose image we were created to bear, and who He says we are:

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and see, the new has come!”

John writes in 1 John 3:1 “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!”

And Peter writes in 1 Peter 2:9,“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the praises of the One who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.”

Isn’t it interesting that we were called out of darkness into light? Darkness is always overcome by the Light. When we allow His light to shine into our darkness – even those deep, well-hidden corners that we think the light cannot possibly reach – we find healing. We find restoration. We find the antidote to our shame.

“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.

He freed me from all my fears.

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.”

Psalm 34:4-5

Jenni Norsworthy

NEVER FORGET- GODS PROVISION THROUGH THE MESS

Brooke Fish

We hear that a lot. Especially around 9/11. But we do forget. Often. And quickly. Personally, I forget a lot, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. Hello, Israelites grumbling about manna and desiring to be back in Egypt! We all forget how far the Lord has brought us and instead focus on the pain of our current circumstances. This can leave us feeling alone. As though God is distant and doesn’t hear our pleas for help. Lost and in despair.

After years of “forgetting,” my husband and I determined to put a stop to this reckless pattern. We committed to remembering that God is NOT distant. He is an ever-present help in times of trouble. (Psalm 46:1) He hears the cries of our heart and collects our tears. And so, we started an Ebenezer journal. In hopes of “never forgetting.”

Our very first entry in that journal was of God providing for us in great and miraculous ways as we were in our very own, self-made desert. But one made with the best of intentions. My husband is a photographer. After years of renting a studio space miles from our house, it was time for him to work from home. It was a good plan with a God-centered focus – be more available for family, be a good steward of our finances, and not be alone and isolated on days he wasn’t shooting. All good things right?

We looked into adding studio space onto our current home. The city said no due to zoning and the hunt for a home we could add onto began. We found THE perfect, mid-century modern house (MCM) and made an offer immediately. And when I say immediately, I mean like, before walking out the door of our first and only visit. Our offer was accepted and we were quickly under contract. Bam. Just like that. We were now facing the challenges of selling our current house, packing it up, and the necessary remodeling & construction on the new house. Oh, did I forget to mention that our “new house” hadn’t been touched since it was built in 1958? And that part of our plan included ripping off the roof in the back half of the house to add a second floor?

I walked into our new house for the second time and burst into tears. It was a dump! Flea ridden and filthy. What were we thinking? How had we let the excitement of living in a MCM home cloud our better judgement? On June 7th, our 10th wedding anniversary, my husband demoed our “new” kitchen in order to “get the ball rolling.” We were going to save time, work efficiently, and live in our new house as we remodeled it. Everything was going to be just fine. Until it wasn’t.

As with most projects, things move along much faster and smoother in your head. Am I right? During the gutting process of the master bathroom, a leak was found. This led to gutting the hall bathroom as well. Which ultimately led to my husband telling me there was no way we would be able to live in our new home during the construction. He chose to share this information the week we needed to move out of our old house and into the new. God’s timing is perfect…but man’s timing? Not so much. I was devastated. Balling, cursing, blaming my husband for everything that had gone wrong. It was not my finest moment. Where were we going to live? What were we going to do? We had two boys to care for and could not afford an apartment while renovating. BUT GOD.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11) God is so good and so faithful. In the midst of my rants, a dear friend called and said that her mentor was going on sabbatical for the summer and “felt like God was telling her that someone needed their home while they were gone and that she had been clearing out space in the closets and fridge.” One thing led to another, and the next thing I knew, we were living in the amazing home of a sweet, Christ-focused couple we had never met. Not only that, we lived there for 6 weeks. Yes, six weeks! Annnnnd, the home came complete with an amazing backyard, media room, and playroom. To say it was a blessing is an understatement. We celebrated birthdays for both boys in this precious home, ate our weight in Blue Bell Key Lime Pie ice cream, and watched amazing fireworks on the 4th of July in the town’s square. And if the story had ended there and all the blessings ceased, I would point to those times and exclaim God’s goodness.

Weeks went by and new problems arose, bringing more challenges and a lot more tears. Despite our contractor’s best efforts, there was no way we would be in our home any time soon. Weeks turned into months, and by God’s grace, it was summer. Friends went on vacations and, knowing we were in need of a place to stay, offered their homes to us while they were away. This happened not once, but three times! Just when everything would seem dark and without hope, another friend would call us out of the blue and offer up their home. We got really good at living out of suitcases, and God never stopped providing. Not once. “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)

After seven moves in three months, we were finally able to move into our new home. And while there was still work to be completed, God showed up time and time again. “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31) We were determined to “never forget,” writing each blessing and provision down in our Ebenezer journal. It became a way to honor God and remember His goodness. As a result of this process, our home has been dedicated to the Lord and we now effort to use the space He has provided to bless our family, friends, and neighborhood community. Whether it’s hosting kids after school and sporting events, or hosting bible studies and recovery groups in our upstairs addition – this is God’s space.

To this day, when things get hard, we open our journal and look back at God’s hand in our lives. We continue to journal and encourage our boys to do the same. I don’t want to be like Israel roaming the wilderness for 40 years, longing for slavery again despite God’s visible, tangible, presence and provision (Exodus, Numbers, Joshua 5:6). I want to remember all of the ways God has richly blessed us and dance in the streets while praising the goodness of our Lord, just like David in 2 Samuel 6. He is such a good, good Father. I hope our story encourages others to sing of the Lord’s goodness, write down His provisions and answered prayers, and trust in the Lord for all things. Because in all honesty, despite our best efforts, we do forget.

GOD REMEMBERS

Ashleigh Lankford

If you had talked to me on July 1, 2015, I would have had stars in my eyes; I was over the moon. A little nauseous, but even so, our hearts were full. My husband and I had two little girls, then 4 and almost 2 years old. I was 12 weeks pregnant with baby #3, though technically it was baby #4, since we had miscarried between our two girls. I was starting to show, and my nausea was in full swing. The morning of the 6th, I left my little ones with my mother-in-law, as I took a much needed break at Starbucks to catch up on reading and then to my midwife for our 12-week appointment.

Only, the morning didn’t go as expected. Despite feeling 100% pregnant, there was no heartbeat. I fought back tears, hoping the handheld sonogram was wrong. We headed to get an actual sonogram, where it was confirmed that we had indeed lost our baby. I was shocked. It was not at all like our first miscarriage, where I had zero symptoms and started bleeding at 8 weeks. I was 12 weeks and had all the pregnancy symptoms. My heart was heavy. My husband and I were both wrecked.

Because my body still very much thought I was pregnant, and our family was in a wedding the next week, we didn’t have time to wait it out and let the baby pass naturally. So on the morning of our eighth wedding anniversary, I took a medication to make my body miscarry the baby we had confirmed was dead, through multiple sonograms. Only this day did not go as expected either. My body had a strong reaction to the medicine, and I ended up passed out, sitting in a pool of blood, before being taken by ambulance to the ER. I just remember going in and out of consciousness, thinking, “My little girls need a momma. This can’t be it.”

The trauma of losing our baby so unexpectedly, combined with that of actually passing the baby, left me in tears for weeks. I didn’t know if I ever wanted to have more babies, and I didn’t want to let the two babies that I did have out of my sight. My grief was deep, and I cried out to the Lord, asking Him to give me “a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So [I would] be called [an oak] of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified” (Isaiah 61:3, NASB).

As weeks went by, and then months, my body still didn’t feel back to “normal.” My cycle was off. I spotted. My period was heavy. By November, I had started experiencing insomnia. And then my heart started racing. Something was very wrong. Now I can see that it was in God’s kindness that I experienced these symptoms and knew my body needed professional help, but at the time, it all felt very overwhelming and compounded our loss.

I went to a few different medical health professionals and ended up being diagnosed with hypothyroidism and adrenal fatigue. My progesterone was low, as a result of my sluggish thyroid. I wish I could say I was put on thyroid medicine, adrenal support, and prescription progesterone, and that I was all better, but it really wasn’t that simple. However, over the course of four months, my medical team was able to get me to a healthier place. Sleep was still so-so, but my body was being supported on many fronts and was gradually healing, piece by piece.

Sharing the diagnosis, symptoms, and protocol in such brevity makes it all seem much simpler, shorter, and more manageable than the situation was – or has been. There were a lot of days and nights of tears, begging the Lord for sleep, begging Him for complete healing. I tried every natural sleep protocol out there, from diet elimination to sauna use to exercise to herbs and oils; sometimes they helped, but nothing lasted. My problem was deeper than just restlessness. My hormones were out of whack, which affected my blood sugar, my cortisol, and my melatonin. (Translation: Inability to sleep, emotional instability, heart palpitations)

Even after I received a diagnosis, it took months to get my body supported. During this time, I felt very much alone. I didn’t fully understand why this was happening to my body, nor did I know anyone else who had experienced anything similar. Day to day tasks seemed exhausting on such little (if any) sleep. I had to wage war against my sorrow, bitterness, and anxiety. Isaiah 26:3 says, “The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You.” I knew if I was not continually praying and spending time in the Bible, and keeping Scripture on my heart, that I would be defeated in this battle. Some days I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I could trust God’s Word. And according to this verse, I would be granted peace if I kept my eyes and trust on the Lord. And I needed every ounce of my being to trust in Him.

During this season, there was another battle I was waging war against. My heart was also envious of those pregnant (and healthy!) women around me. I joined a Bible study for women who were walking through a season of infertility or multiple miscarriages. That study and meeting each week with women walking similar roads really blessed my heart and made my burden feel just a little bit lighter. I remember going to a craft night with several of my closest mom friends, two of whom were pregnant. They were both due just a few months after I had been due with the baby we lost. Overwhelmed with the weight of our loss, I was feeling a little hesitant to go, and expressed this to my Bible study leader. I wanted to get out so badly and see my friends, but my heart was heavy. Driving there, I bawled. My Bible study leader quickly texted me Romans 12:12, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” At that moment, I knew I had a decision to make. There had been and would be times that my friends grieved with me on this journey, but that night I was going to rejoice with them. That night was a turning point for me in how I related to others in the midst of my sickness.

Just as the darkness of winter was ending and spring was approaching, we were told we could try again for another baby. Just to be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted to try. I had a lot of fear. Fear that my body wasn’t really better. Fear that I would lose another baby. Fear that I would have another traumatic miscarriage. Fear that if I was able to have another baby, that I wouldn’t be sleeping and then have a newborn on top of that. My mind was consumed by this fear. But I knew at some point I had to trust my doctors and ultimately, the Lord. If He had another baby for us, He would have to carry that baby to term.

In April, we found out we were pregnant again. And this time, the pregnancy stuck. On December 17, 2016, we welcomed James Abel to our family. James is my husband’s first name. And Abel comes from the Bible. As I read Genesis during my pregnancy, over and over again, I saw the theme, “God remembers.” After Cain killed his brother Abel, Adam and Eve were grieved. And yet God remembered them. He saw their pain. He did not take it away. But He remembered them, and He remembered Abel. God gave them another son, Seth. If God hadn’t given them another baby, He absolutely still would have been good. And He still would have remembered. Yet it struck me that it was in God’s kindness that He gave Adam and Eve another son. And throughout my pregnancy, I smiled, “He remembered.”

I wish that this phase of my health journey was over, tied neatly with a bow, and put on a shelf. But truthfully, I’m not sure what to expect. Pregnancy and nursing do change the body’s hormones and chemistry. Looking back now, it’s easy to see that my issues actually started between weaning my second child and getting pregnant, and then crept up again, much more fiercely, after we miscarried that baby. I have been striving to take care of myself and follow the regimen my naturopath and doctor have me on, but I’m not certain what the future holds, once I wean this baby. Will I sleep peacefully and remain steady emotionally? Or will my body spin out of control again? It’s unsettling to think about, but I can’t let myself go there. Again I remind myself of Isaiah 26:3, “The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You.” I don’t know what the future holds, but I know God holds the future. Being in His peace is the only place I want to be.

CONFESS

Confession…ugh. Just the sound of the word makes my heart beat a little faster. It’s bad enough to know I’ve sinned, but now I have to tell someone…and admit it to God?!? If I’m honest, I’ve battled with this too often in my life. I struggle with shame and people’s perception of me, so the combo of those two things has led me to hide sins from people I’m close to and from God. Big shocker…this has not gone well for me! God asks us to practice confession for a reason. Personally, the times I’ve chosen not to confess my sins has led to a pattern of feeling guilty, or trying to “fix myself,” which always fails eventually, and then I go on sinning again and again. It has also caused me to feel distant from God and distant in my relationships.

Thankfully, I am now in the process of going through a 12-step recovery program at my church, and I recently completed step 5, which is “Confess.” In step 4, “Inventory,” I went through the extremely arduous, but even more beneficial, process of creating a “searching and fearless moral inventory” of myself. As you can imagine, Step 5 involved me confessing my inventory, much of which was sin that had occurred throughout my life. The goal was to confess my sin to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

Acknowledging my sin to myself was a long process, as I worked through my inventory and became aware of sins in my past and my present that I needed to come to terms with. My flesh wanted to hide these sins, even from myself. No one likes to welcome the feeling of darkness into their heart as they acknowledge the ugliness of their sin, but as I learned during this part of the process, the light God offers through His Son, Jesus, is enough to cover all of our darkness, even the most shameful, most ugly, most embarrassing places. John 8:12 says “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” No matter what we’ve done or how dark we feel, His love for us has NO LIMITS. Sometimes that is hard for me to believe, but it’s true…He loves us deeply and wants nothing more than to set us free.

Confessing my sins to God was not quite as hard for me as the other two confessions, which was actually a bit eye opening for me. I realized that I have a tendency to fear man more than I fear God. I have always known that God was full of grace, but I think at times I’ve forgotten that He is also a God of justice and will one day judge all sin by His holy standard. He is holy and powerful and is to be respected and revered. “Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, for His judgments are true and just.” (Revelation 19:1-2). But the Good News is that He is a God of grace and mercy who can perfectly and completely forgive our sins when we confess them to Him. In 1 John 1:9 it says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Our sins are wiped clean and we are made brand new. We get to start from scratch because we are loved deeply by a God who wants to bear the burden of sin for us. Confession isn’t sounding ALL that bad anymore, right?!?

Confessing my sins to someone I trust was something I (nervously!) did in obedience to what God calls us to do. Satan tried to deceive me with all sorts of lies: “I can hide just a couple of these sins and no one will ever know.” “No one I know has sinned like I have.” “I am too much for the friend I’m confessing to, she won’t know how to respond to me.” “No one will like me once they know what I’ve done.” I could have chosen to believe these lies and continued on a path of isolation that would lead to more guilt and more shame, but instead, I chose to trust God…not only that I was doing the right and best thing by confessing, but that what He alone says about me is true, regardless of what the world thinks. As Psalm 118:6 says, “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

As I was preparing to confess, God also reminded me that though I may feel alone in my sin, I’m really not. Romans 3:23 says “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Our sins may look different, but we ALL sin…we are all desperately in need of God’s forgiveness. So, although the temptation is to hide sin in order to “be like everyone else,” this is yet another lie from Satan that will only keep us isolated and stuck.

Finally, God reminded me over and over again that He never, ever intended for me to battle sin on my own. My husband, my friends, my family, and my community – all the people who love me – are precious gifts from Him. James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” My people are here to remind me of God’s love, of what He’s done for me, and to point me back to Him. They will pray for me, comfort me, and walk with me through the hardest of times.

Timothy Keller has said, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

After completing my step of confession, I can now say, without a doubt, that it is so worth it and that God honors us in this obedience! Isn’t it true that the hardest things to do are always the things that are the most worth doing? There is SO MUCH freedom offered from realizing our need for God’s mercy and then confessing our sins in order to receive His grace through Jesus Christ. So I will keep on confessing…I will keep laying down my life and my pride – even when it’s so hard – for the One who promises that He is where REAL life is found!
Eleanor Boynton

FINDING PURPOSE IN THE WHY

Ginger Reynolds

My story started when my 13 year old daughter, Tayler, passed away in 2009. She was my “mini me” – my life – the very reason I woke up each day. Not God. Not my husband, or my son, but Tayler.

After 4 months of limping, 4 doctors, numerous tests to figure out what was wrong, she was diagnosed with Leukemia. But after just 3 weeks and 4 chemo treatments, she was in complete remission. Yet four days later she passed away from sepsis! Through the devastation, I thought I would die. I didn’t want to live – I was numb beyond belief. I was so angry with God (who I believed in, but never knew Him) and angry with the doctors for neglecting her. I begged, I negotiated with God to “take me” and let her live. Why? She was only 13 and had the most precious, beautiful soul, loving life and her family and friends. She was all about life. Why?

As the months went by I started to go to a Bible study at our church. I had to find out why Tayler Reynolds had to die? Surely it was in the Bible somewhere? Through the study, I started to learn God’s Word and began to see who He was and who He wants us to be. I started to fall in love with Christ and felt my soul being fed the food that was keeping me alive. I felt God’s presence around me, through the signs and wonders He sent to me. Immediately after Tayler’s passing, about 8 of her girlfriends began calling me to tell me that Tayler had been visiting them in their dreams. I started to write them down in a journal for they brought me such comfort and I didn’t want to ever forget. Tayler has come to all of her friends, my husband and four of my adult friends. As of a year ago, the little stinker still hadn’t visited me in a dream, though I prayed that God would allow her to for 7 years. When she came to my girlfriend around Mother’s Day one year, my friend asked Tayler in the dream “why haven’t you come to your mom in a dream?” Tayler’s response was, “it would be too hard!” When my friend told me that I cried, but understood.

Because of my incredible journey seeking God, finding God and loving God more than ever now, God nudged me to publish a book called God Kisses. The book has the dreams, visions, and signs from God that assured me that He and heaven are real and that my daughter is alive and well! I want people to know this, because there is a purpose for this thing called “life.” This life is not about us. This life is about becoming the person God created us to be. To love God and love your neighbor. To be the hands and feet of Christ, to shine His presence into all of the darkness in the world.

Out of Tayler’s death, my husband and I built an amazing fountain with Jesus on top and gave it to our church in memory of our precious daughter Tayler. We were asked after it was dedicated, “What do you want to do with the coins thrown into the fountain?” We never thought about that but, decided through our church to set up a ministry called “Tayler’s Water Wells for Africa.” We now go to Ghana, Africa and drill water wells! To date we have drilled 32 wells which serve over 50,000 people! My daughter is saving lives! Hallelujah! What a beautiful God we have to provide to us the means to build this amazing fountain and open the doors to complete this mission!

God has opened so many doors for my husband and myself to help others. We now lead a “Compassionate Friends” chapter in Southlake, TX which is a worldwide grief group for parents who have lost a child. Giving back and helping others through this very difficult journey is our passion and our purpose. I have been given the opportunity to speak to women’s groups and Bible studies about my journey. I have found God through the tears and suffering. I will never ever forsake Him again. He is my life now, He is my priority and it is so exciting to see what He has next for me. I love my life, I have pure joy again because of God. Through knowing and trusting in His promises of eternal life, being with Him in heaven with all of my loved ones, I can “Walk through the valley of death” knowing He is carrying me the entire way.

Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

All proceeds from Ginger’s book, God Kisses, go to Tayler’s Water Wells in Africa.