Ebenezer Collective

LEARNING TO LOVE AFTER BETRAYAL

Amanda Buccola

“As much as I love God, you, Graham, and our unborn child, I loved myself more…I know that revealing this blackness inside of me is necessary…but I understand that in confessing this, the blackness and burden is now also felt by you.”

Those words and many more were read to me one Tuesday afternoon as my husband confessed to a lifelong addiction to pornography which eventually led him to commit adultery. With shaky hands and voice, he knelt at my feet with tears streaming down his face, begging for forgiveness. I’ve never felt as feared by another person in my life. Nick was fearful of my response because I had always made it clear to him through my attitude and actions that I am not a doormat. I had a habit of standing up for myself, even if I wasn’t remotely being threatened. So he was right to assume that in this situation, something was probably going to hit the fan. I had yelled, cussed, slammed doors and drawers in anger in the past, so it would be reasonable to expect all that and more when I found out he had been with another woman the night before.

But something had happened in the year leading up to this day that changed everything about my response.

When I had my first child, I realized I had a responsibility to raise him in a home that not only taught truth, but lived love. I had grown up with amazing parents who taught us from the Bible, and showed us by example how to love others because of God’s love for us. I knew my selfish way of life was not headed in that direction, so I signed up for a class that taught me how to read my Bible daily, and incorporate it into my everyday life. That led me to a deep, personal friendship with Jesus Christ. We talked each morning as I read His Word, and throughout the day in prayer, and I began to see changes in the way I was thinking, speaking, and acting. I was losing that selfish desire to stand up for myself, because I learned that’s His job, not mine.

So when I saw my husband crying at my feet, begging for forgiveness, my response was not at all what it would have been a year prior. I hugged him, and uttered the words “I forgive you” before I walked out the back door to get alone with my thoughts. Looking back, there’s no way I fully forgave him in that moment. Forgiveness takes a lot more than those three words. But I did have the intent to treat him with the same grace and forgiveness I had recently found in Jesus. So the first thing I did was to google “what’s the Christian’s response to adultery?” I hadn’t spent much time thinking about this topic, as I never dreamed it would happen to me. I read articles about infidelity, separation and divorce, to help me choose what would be the “right” response. I was in shock, and my emotions hadn’t caught up with me yet, so I was robotically trying to find the formula to fix it.

It didn’t take long for the gravity of this news to sink in and severely weigh me down. I didn’t want to tell anyone about this embarrassing secret. I started to internalize the pain, and took his adultery as confirmation that I wasn’t enough. I knew I hadn’t been a great wife, so I believed he was forced to find affirmation and affection somewhere else. I believed that I had been such a hard person to live with that he had no choice but to find a way out. I was 6 weeks pregnant with our second child, so I believed that the thought of my soon-to-be growing pregnant belly was repulsive to him, so he had to get away from me physically. I let those lies sink in until I believed them to be true. And on the flip side, I started to hate Nick. I hated what he did to our family. I resented him for the brand new life growing inside me, and the morning sickness on top of this emotional pain. I didn’t know it at the time, but there were still many more confessions to come.

I asked him to attend the 12-step-recovery program at our church, re:generation, and to find a counselor for us to see individually and together. He said that he had lost his appetite for pornography, so this wasn’t necessary, but that he was willing to do whatever I asked. Recovery from his addiction proved to be much harder than he thought. Even the strongest desire to change is not enough to kick a lifelong addiction. I’m so thankful he was willing to join a group of men and find accountability there. He also installed Covenant Eyes, a porn-blocking software, on all of his devices. In an effort to be honest and open, he added me as an accountability partner on the account, so I could see every site he visited. Sadly, this was one of the biggest mistakes in our recovery process. Having access to his Internet activity brought me to an unhealthy place, where I became an anxious, vindictive detective. He gave me passwords to all of his email and social media accounts, so I spent hours tracking down old conversations with other women, and finding rabbit holes that led to doubt and fear. My heart would race as I searched for things he was hiding from me. I would question him in the evenings, which sometimes turned into yelling fights in front of our one-year-old. I thank God now that this happened when our kids were so young. I was not handling this well.

One day soon after the confession, I was having a pity party alone on the couch watching Parenthood, when my friend Eleanor texted out of the blue. She asked if she and her son could come over to play. My first thought was to find an excuse to say “no,” but I knew this wasn’t a coincidence. Eleanor is the one friend I had at the time who had experienced adultery in her own marriage. I wept, knowing that God was sending that specific friend to me on purpose. That was the first moment I knew I was being pursued by God. He wanted to fill this void I had from the lack of pursuit from my husband. He heard my cries, even though they were rarely aimed at Him. I had been avoiding my Bible, drowning out any signs of love from Him. I felt betrayed by God, wondering how He could love me if He let me marry this man who would hurt me so badly. When Eleanor got to my house, she said I had come to her mind as she was reading her Bible that morning, and that’s why she had reached out to me. How sweet of our God to send me just the right friend in that pitiful moment. I told her everything, and we cried together, both in shock that this was happening. She gave me the best piece of advice that she had learned from her own experience. She said that holding infidelity against our husbands does not get us anywhere. It makes our husbands relive their shame, and it makes our resentment for them grow. Using their sin as a weapon is not worth it.

With God’s help, I took that advice to heart, and decided not to dwell on Nick’s sin when he was trying to overcome it. I decided to become his partner instead of his enemy. I visited my counselor weekly, and listened to every message on the topic of forgiveness that I could find. I knew that I could no longer spend my days checking up on his Internet activity, so I handed that job off to some trustworthy men in Nick’s life. They were to keep an eye his Covenant Eyes account, and he was to confess any slip-ups to me. As Nick worked through the 12 steps, he was convicted to confess another relationship he had while we were engaged, along with some inappropriate conversations with other women throughout our marriage. These confessions felt so much worse than the first. I lost all trust in him and his word, wondering what else he might still be holding back. It felt like we fell even further back than square one. But by this time, I was fully embracing God, allowing Him to pursue me and carry me when I was too weak to move. Most days, I couldn’t tell if I was so physically sick from my pregnancy or my crumbling marriage. My parents were gracious to let me come over and rest while they played with my son almost every day. They babysat while I went to the counselor each week. We had decided not to tell them the details until after Nick was finished with his recovery, but they took care of me as if they knew. The choice to keep the infidelity from my parents was to allow healing of my own heart before hurting theirs with the news. However, we had two couples who knew every detail. When we would have a rough night at home, I’d text the girls, and he’d call the guys in order to own our parts in the argument, and to be held accountable to reconciliation.

During this time, the Lord showed me through the story of Hosea, that He knew exactly how I felt in the midst of this betrayal, and I’m the one who made Him feel it. I realized that I had betrayed my vows to God during my early twenties. I had given my life to Him at a young age, but pursued other “lovers” in material possessions, status, my home, and worldly desires. “Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” (1 John 2:15) I thought I could have a foot in each door, but this verse makes it clear that it’s one or the other. When this truth hit me, I was overwhelmed that God’s response to my betrayal was to keep pursuing me with relentless love. “Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life” (Psalm 23:6a, MSG) I was so thankful for God’s forgiveness and love, I knew I wanted to do the same for Nick. I ended up finding the answer to my Google search from Day 1, but it didn’t come from an article, but from the pages of my Bible.

By the time we reached our 5th wedding anniversary, about 5 months after the first confession, we decided to renew our wedding vows. I was still struggling to trust him, and we were still awkwardly distant, but we both knew we trusted the Lord with our future. I had learned that even in the midst of brokenness and pain, I have the relentless love of my Heavenly Father. Nick found that bringing his sin into the light brought intimacy and freedom he had never experienced before. So together, we looked to HIM and found what we had been wanting from each other all along.

Today, we are three years out from that confession, and neither one of us would say that we’re nailing marriage. We still have miscommunications, hurt feelings, and disappointments. But we’ve learned that our spouses were never meant to satisfy our desires for love and acceptance. Those desires are only fully satisfied in God, and He will never fail. Now we get to experience a level of mutual love and intimacy that would never have been possible if Nick had stayed silent, or tried to handle his addiction on his own. I’m so proud of the courage he displayed when he knelt broken before me. He says that power was something he was seeking when he used to turn to porn, and I’d say he’s found it now as he points others to God’s powerful work in his life. “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. That is why, for the sake of Christ, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

You can read Nick’s story here.

WAITING

We live in a culture of instant gratification. We loathe waiting…. From waiting in line at the grocery store to waiting on our kids to find their shoes…even waiting for our Instagram feed to load. In our society, we are used to getting what we want when we want. We put so much emphasis on control and productivity and when we have to stop our lives for a few minutes before receiving our morning coffee through the drive-thru window we feel a loss of both. And in our small, controlled, productive-driven lives, frankly, waiting feels like wasted time. Ain’t nobody got time for that. However, our God is not small. He’s not productive-driven, and He’s not controlled by time. Our timeless God sees waiting in a different light.

We reap in a different season than we sow. We feel that we were created to spend our time in productivity rather than in waiting. But waiting is an extremely biblical concept. There are countless verses on it. The Bible refers to our waiting as “seasons” or “due time.” Galatians 6:9 says “And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap {a harvest} if we do not grow weary.” In waiting you are producing your harvest, and any farmer knows that a harvest is anything but instant, because we reap in a different season than we sow.

We were created to wait. As unnatural and unfulfilling as waiting seems, in all actuality, we as Christians on this earth were created to wait. We have been given the promise of Heaven…of Eternity. We have been saved by grace and been made righteous and blameless (Ephesians 2:8). And, even in all our sin, God sees us as that already when we have accepted His free gift of salvation! (Ephesians 1:4). James 5:7-8 says, “Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.”

In the waiting you are not only producing a harvest, but you are growing stronger. God gives us all seasons of waiting. Whether we are waiting on a diagnosis, waiting on a job, or waiting through infertility, we often feel that God is holding out on us. In Isaiah 40:31 is says, “but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” I believe we grow stronger when we wait because that’s what we were meant to do. Wait for Jesus, wait for Heaven. When we are in a place of waiting, it feels like a desert of unknown. We feel we are in a place that is not our “home.” We feel incomplete – much like Christians in this world, waiting to go Home – waiting for completion.

David writes about waiting in Psalm 37:13-14, “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” David knows a thing or two about waiting. David was the youngest and least impressive of his brothers. He tended sheep. However, Samuel anointed David as God’s choice for king while King Saul was still in power. There was a ceremony to anoint David, but after that not much changed. He went back to tending sheep. It would not be until years later that David would become King. We can learn a lot from David when we look at his time in waiting. The Spirit of the Lord was with him. God already saw him as King. Remember, God is timeless, so He sees beyond the waiting. In 2 Samuel 3:1 it says that during this time in waiting, “David was growing stronger and the house of Saul was becoming weaker.” Instead of growing impatient, David was secure in his identity, trusted in God’s promise, and was already living like he was King. He is even referred by the people during this time as king (with a lowercase ”k”). He took on the character of a leader and invested in his future identity as King with a capital “K.” And through this waiting, God made him stronger, transforming him from a meek shepherd into to a strong leader.

After the waiting comes rest. While David was waiting to become King, he had many enemies. King Saul sent people out to kill David out of jealousy. When he became King, God provided a physical place (cedar house) for David to live and struck down his enemies, giving him rest. Doesn’t this parallel what God promises us? He is building a place for us in Heaven. A physical place. He will strike down our enemies and wipe away our sin, sorrows, and sickness, and we will have ultimate rest. It takes a new spin on the saying, “the REST is yet to come.”

As long as we are in this world, we are to view ourselves as God sees us. The timeless God, who sees beyond the waiting, views us as righteous and complete. Our identity is in Eternity and we are to live as the righteous and blameless eternal beings we are, even in the waiting for Heaven. Just so, in seasons of waiting, we can look forward to what God is doing. How is He using this time to not only produce a harvest, but to strengthen us from “king” to “King.” Although we can’t see past the waiting, God can and has already freed you from it. Wait with an eternal perspective, thanking Him in advance for working it out for good (Romans 8:28). Although the good may not be what you would choose, trust that it is good in the Eternal sense. Don’t grow weary in the waiting, for the rest is yet to come.

Lauren Scurry

THE GRADUAL SLOPE TO ROCK BOTTOM

Nick Buccola

My story of redemption began in March 2014 when I reached my rock bottom. I did something I never thought I was capable of doing. But my way to rock bottom wasn’t by jumping off a cliff and hitting it hard. It was a long, slow road that gradually went deeper and darker, until I finally just strolled right in. And it began decades before…

Early on in life I asked Jesus to be my Savior. I remember the preacher asking why I responded to the altar call and my answer was, “I don’t want to go to hell.” I knew I was a sinner and I couldn’t earn my way to Heaven. I had faith that by the grace of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross I was saved and that I was forgiven and made righteous by Christ’s righteousness. However, the rest of my life was spent trying to walk down two different paths – one striving for what I considered was good, the other satisfying my flesh. The dark path was hidden from others as best as I could. On that path was where I came across inappropriate scenes in an R-rated movie I found at home. I began looking through all of our movies for other similar scenes. My greatest sin struggle was beginning to form. It was strengthened one summer when my friend and I found two adult magazines under a little bridge in a park. We kept them hidden and would visit them regularly. I discovered 900 telephone numbers and late-night cable shows. When the personal computer and Internet become more mainstream, I borrowed disks from a friend that were full of inappropriate images, walking deeper down the dark path. However, on the light path, I attended church and youth camps. I discovered I had a talent in music and started playing the drums at the little church I attended in high school. My friends and I formed a Christian band that played at coffee shops and FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) gatherings.

As I got older, relationships became more physical. Although I had decided to wait for marriage to have sex, I pushed that boundary with other forms of sex – justifying it because it wasn’t intercourse. In fact, I was getting pretty good at justifying and allowing myself to satisfy my desires while seeming to appear “good.” Halfway through college, I forfeited my commitment of saving sex for marriage when I had sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, who I thought I would marry. I didn’t marry her, and when we broke up near the end of college, the gates were opened. I spent the next couple of years sleeping around, while still playing the drums at church services, camps, and mission trips. Both paths were still being straddled, but the dark path was getting deeper.

It was at this time that I met my future wife, Amanda. She was in a similar spiritual state as I was, where we knew what we should be doing, but we were following our flesh. While neither of us was looking for anything serious, we tried to keep things casual, but we knew we wanted more from each other so we became exclusive. A year later we were engaged. We had decided that we wanted to live in the Dallas area, so I took a job there while she finished her last year of college in Lubbock. It was during this long distance relationship that I began to have inappropriate conversations with old friends and women on social media, justifying it by telling myself, “it wasn’t physical so it wasn’t cheating.” What was left of my moral strength was wearing away, and after a few months of this, I met a woman – a married woman – and slept with her, taking my path deeper and darker. I tried to fix it myself. I didn’t confess it, but justified it by telling myself “we’re not married yet,” and by promising myself it would never happen again.

Amanda and I were married in August of 2009. Our first year of marriage was a tough one, but we found Watermark Community Church where our spirits were stirred over the next couple of years. They discussed issues I had never heard talked about so openly in church before. I was moved, but scared. I was scared of the consequences of confession and changing the status quo. It was at this time that my flesh would take its darkest turn.

All throughout high school, college, and my first few years of working, my pornography addiction had grown strong and consistent, and I had just discovered something different – escort sites. I never had the intention to meet an escort, but I continued to view the sites. But like with any addiction, a desensitizing tolerance was built up, and one day simply viewing was not enough. I chose to pay for a prostitute. Immediately, I felt a dark cloud of guilt, shame, regret, and disgust. This time, I couldn’t justify it. I had physically cheated on my wife. I tried to manage it and hide it, but I couldn’t. I tried to read my Bible the next morning, but the cloud was too dark and thick. I couldn’t focus on anything at work. The two paths had finally grown so far apart that I couldn’t straddle them anymore. I had followed the long, slow, dark path to my rock bottom.

Ready to face the music, I wrote a confession letter while I was at work that next morning. I showed it to a trusted friend so that I couldn’t back out and I told him I was going home to read it to Amanda. Pregnant with our daughter, she had just put our one-year-old son down for his nap when I unexpectedly came home and read her the letter telling her about my pornography addiction and what I had done – falling to the floor in tears and shame. She came down to me. She held me. She told me she loved me and that she forgave me. You see, while I had been following my flesh, Amanda had been following that stirring of her spirit. She had come to a deeper understanding of what Christ had done for her, and she was able to allow the Holy Spirit to work in her to forgive me.

This is when my recovery began – my most intimate moment of undeserved grace. This was the moment I can see Jesus leaving His heavenly path of light and coming to get me in my darkest deep.

Amanda forgave me that day, but it was not done in an instant, and it wasn’t easy. We still had to deal with the pain I caused. Although I felt the burden being lifted off of me through confession, it wasn’t gone, but was now being shared with my wife. Now she had to feel it, and we had to adjust as the weight of my burden shifted, until, together, we were able to take my burden to the cross where it belonged. I began attending re:generation, Watermark Community Church’s 12-step recovery program. This was the beginning of a process that would teach me much about God and myself.

Reflecting back on my answer to the altar call – that I didn’t want to go to hell – reveals a lot to me about my motivations. It reveals that I wanted Jesus as my Savior from bad consequences, but not much more. I wasn’t looking for a Lord. I had myself as lord, and the choices I made proved that. I spent my life consistently following my flesh. My life had proven true to Romans 7:18, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” I spent my life trying to be good on my own, but there is freedom in acknowledging that I am powerless over my addictions, brokenness and sinful patterns. Learning this truth freed me to believe that God is the One whose power can fully restore me, and I decided to trust God with my life and will.

I thought I only had a pornography problem, and I was ready to tackle it, but taking inventory of the harms I’d done, harms to me, fears, resentments, and my sexual history, revealed the deeper roots and sin patterns in my life. I learned I had some deep hurts from my parent’s divorce when I was very young, and my mother’s second divorce when I was in high school. Pornography and sex were just the outlets I chose to use to seek comfort and pleasure, to run from pain, and to receive affirmation. And though I can say I’m recovering from seeking comfort and pleasure apart from Christ, the roots really went deeper – all the way down to a lack of trust in God and pride. I didn’t trust God would comfort me or be enough, so I did it my way. But I learned about God’s promise in Psalm 37:3, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.” God has given me a safe pasture for me to enjoy.

I also learned the importance of repentance. Romans 6:21-22 says, “What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness and the result is eternal life.” Repentance isn’t just NOT doing something. It’s replacing one habit with another. I couldn’t simply stop looking at pornography, because that isn’t the primary issue. The issue is what I turn to when I feel unloved, powerless, or bored. And these feelings will never just stop showing up in life. Instead of running to destructive things when these feelings arise, I learned to run to God, to His truth, His Word, His people, and His promises. The truth is that God wants the same things for me that I want for myself, and more. He wants me to feel loved. First John 4:8 says, “God is love” and John 3:16 says that God gave up His Son because He loves me. He wants me to feel powerful (2 Timothy 1:7). He wants me to find rest and comfort and pleasure (2 Corinthians 1:4). He wants me to find adventure and excitement, and in Joshua 1:9 God says, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” That doesn’t sound like a promise to a life of boredom. As I seek His way instead of mine, I realize God wants more for me than I can imagine.

I’m on a different path now, that gets higher and brighter the more I keep my eyes on Jesus. Galatians 6:8 biblically sums up these two paths that I walked when Paul says, “Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” In 1 John 2 it says, “We have an advocate with the Father – Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.” My identity is not my sin anymore. My identity is found in my advocate, Jesus Christ.

My recovery is an ongoing process that I am still learning to live by every day. God’s Word is full of promises for me, and hiding it in my heart draws me close to Him. As I read God’s Word, l see that God loves me more than I realize. His desires for me are greater than my own, and all I have to do is continue to learn to trust and obey.

ADDICTION RECOVERY BY THE POWER OF GOD

Anonymous
Five years ago I was a mess. A total mess. But the mess had begun ten years prior…

I grew up in a Christian household with the best parents and siblings on earth. My parents set a fabulous example and taught us of Christ’s love for us. I attended our non-denominational church on the reg, was involved in Bible studies, youth groups, Christian camp (where I asked Christ into my life), and Young Life. I was raised wonderfully – life could not have been better, and I honestly still think that. I was a high school cheerleader and had the BEST group of 9 girlfriends – we all have remained dear friends to this day and continue to group text weekly – really, they are more like my sisters than friends.

I started attending the University of Texas just a few weeks after graduating high school. I had my first drink when I was young – like very young – but my drinking didn’t take off until college. I drank, like all of my college friends, but I noticed when I drank, it was as if someone had flipped a light switch – that’s how drastic my personality changed. It was a problem. I realized it at the age of 19. By 20, I had sworn off hard liquor. By 26, I moved on to “only one glass of wine” – which never happened. By 29, I was fully addicted to ADHD meds, anti-anxiety meds, and alcohol and I weighed in at a whopping 87 lbs. I’m 5’10…so not normal or healthy. My organs ached. I loved God, I was a Christian, but there was one more thing – I had an untreated disease – the disease of alcoholism and addiction.

On November 1, 2012, I got on my knees in mine and my husband’s apartment and prayed that the Lord would HELP me. I knew I was going to die without help – I couldn’t do this alone and needed help. “Please take this away from me” were my specific words that I prayed aloud. An hour later, my husband and I went to a counselor who heavily suggested inpatient treatment for my husband and counseling along with a 12 Step Program for me. My husband went to treatment in the Texas Hill Country two days later. One of those 9 BFFs I talked about earlier took me to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting because I was terrified to go alone. I will never be able to repay her – that meeting not only changed my life, it saved my life. That day, I got my 24 hr/desire chip and a sponsor…and life started!

How did this work for me? I worked the 12 steps of AA thoroughly and honestly. I admitted I was powerless, gave it all up to God, and believed He could restore me. I took inventory, admitted what I had done, shared it with a friend, made amends to those I’d harmed, and most importantly, I carried on the message to others who suffer from this disease.

Here’s the deal, getting sober is amazing! It’s an awesome life, and that’s just it….life happens, life’s hardships occur, but I no longer feel the need to drink to deal with it.

Since being sober, I’ve dealt with infertility, a miscarriage (the biggest heartbreak of my life), a loved one relapsing, friends dying from this disease, having a newborn while facing truly challenging familial times, and it was not me that got myself through all this. Understand? I DID NOTHING. God – 100% – is to thank for my life. That I’m alive, really. That I have a job that I LOVE, that my family is healing, and that I have the cutest son on the planet. All God. Zero me.

God-willing, on November 1st I’ll pick up my 5 year chip.

We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19
(If you or a loved one needs help, get my information from the blog publisher, I’m happy to help, anytime)

FORGIVENESS

“Forgive and forget.”
“Just hug it out.”
“There is no use, they will just keep hurting you.”
“They don’t care about what they have done.”
“They can never repay what they have done to me.”

Most of us have heard some of these phrases before and maybe even thought them ourselves. But are they true? Are they biblical? No, they are not.

So what is your motivation for not forgiving someone? Here are some things to consider: unforgiveness is not motivated by what honors God, or by what is best for others, but instead by what is expedient for ourselves. Holding on to unforgiveness creates the temptation of grudges and resentment. When we do this, we tend to think that we have power over someone – which is a false sense of control – and is often caused by pride (which can become our identity). We believe we can use it as a weapon and pull the trigger whenever we feel threatened, and that we can act like God giving out consequences for others’ mistakes. Aren’t we becoming blind to ourselves by attempting to enact judgement on others?

To understand what forgiveness is, it’s important to understand what it is not. Extending forgiveness does not mean having a forced relationship with a person who has hurt you. It does not mean that what was done to us is okay, and it does not mean the offender has permission to hurt us again. It does not depend on the whether or not the offender says they are sorry, and it does not mean we forget what was done. It is not reconciliation to the offender.

Forgiveness is about me and God. It is a choice, not an emotion. It is a process. It grows from a deepening relationship with the Lord – a surrender to a powerful God that is bigger than anything you have done or anything anyone has done to you. When I extend forgiveness to others, I am being obedient to God. It is an act of grace mirroring the character of God – truly giving someone something they do not deserve. Because forgiveness is an act of obedience, it brings glory to God. But it is a progressive journey, wherein we continually submit our hearts to God and release the offender over to Him. Forgiveness is choosing to give away the hurt, bitterness, anger, sadness, and bondage over to God – breaking the power the sin of unforgiveness can have over us.

It’s important to allow yourself to experience the emotion of the hurt that you endured and to process through it with supportive and loving people. We have to acknowledge what was done to us and what was taken away from us. Jesus Himself felt the emotional and physical hurt that can be caused by others as we see in Luke 17:25, “But first He must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation,” and also in Mark 14:34, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.”

I have been wounded deeply, mistreated, abused, ignored, and unloved. So has Jesus. Jesus knows our pain and He wants us to acknowledge that He is there with us. It wasn’t fair what happened to me, and it wasn’t fair what happened to Jesus. He grieves with us for what was done against us. When Jesus heard of His friend Lazarus’ death and saw the grief of his sisters,“Jesus wept” (John 11:35). Hebrews 4:15 again shows us the compassion of Jesus, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”

Carrying the burden of unforgiveness as a means to justify my anger or bitterness is not useful. It will not accomplish anything except to destroy my heart and steal life and joy. Christ desires for us to lay down our burdens and hurts through faith (believing Jesus’ blood is enough to pay for what happened) and forgiveness. Trusting God and being obedient to what God has for me, allows me to make room for the Lord by removing this sin of unforgiveness that is between Him and me. Deciding that we want freedom and that we are in bondage emotionally to what was done to us is the key. This is a process where we surrender control to the Lord. It’s our choice when we are ready. This is where God grows our faith as we trust His justice over our desire to seek revenge. Otherwise, we are allowing the hurt and choices done to us to continue to hurt us and re-victimize us, keeping us trapped!

The Lord has a plan to free us from theses burdens. He truly cares, deeply for us and our freedom. He wants us to come to Him with the wounds of our life and heart, the baggage we carry because of what we have endured, and to step toward Him in receiving grace and freedom by trusting that Jesus has died for each of these things done to us. He sent His Son, as a man, here on earth to know what it is like to be us. He has experienced everything we have experienced, so we can relate to Jesus. He has paid the price; therefore, we do not have to hold someone else accountable to pay the price of our sin, our loving, gracious Father has paid it ALL. Hebrews 9:22 says, “Indeed, under the law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins.” God is the only one who atoned for sin, He alone forgives sin. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says, “For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.”

When Jesus died and ascended to heaven, He sent us His Spirit. Jesus promised the Spirit as a guide, teacher, and comforter to those who believe, “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” (John 14:16-18) When we don’t know what to say or do, the Spirit is with us always as believers, to help give us wisdom and understanding. Are we yielding to the Spirit or are we making our own way? Romans 5:5 says, “Hope does not put us to shame (or disappoint), because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” We have the hope of God when we face forgiveness, as we acknowledge what Christ has done for us, justifying us and giving us a hope and a future – and a Helper.

Experiencing God’s love is supernatural, it is not like the love of man. We can not make it happen, or woo God, the Holy Spirit makes it happen. Surrendering under God’s love for us is where we can begin to surrender our heart and allow the Holy Spirit to pour into us and lead us forward onto the path of freedom. Can we truly believe this and surrender our pain to Him?

Allow God to work in places that are dark, broken, and grieved. Allow God to have control, letting Him have the reigns. Ask yourself, “Am I allowing God to be God, or am I trying to control and be my own god?” Remember this- our God is just: 1 John 1:9 says, if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. He is JUST. We are not, it is his nature to be just. Our justice and his is two different things. Would you be able to forgive yourself for what you have done, Jesus has willingly laid his life down for these things. Do you know anyone able to love so sacrificially? He loves you, He delights in you!

When I was able to see that those who have hurt me, even those who have abused me, were people that God loved – people that turned away from God, who had sinned against Him, I was able to have compassion for them for the first time. Seeing them as sinners, in need of a Savior, helped me to see them the way God does. Walking through this process, I was able to forgive someone who hurt me deeply. I was able to forgive because my relationship with the Lord has grown deep and He has opened my eyes to more of who He is. Jesus’ blood covers all of us (even our enemies or those against us). God forgives sin, why can’t I?

Forgiving others starts with accepting forgiveness from God. We are sinners in need of forgiveness. Jesus called on His Father to forgive those who hung Him on a cross. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34) Do we recognize our own faults? Can we have the soft hearts and eyes to see others the way God does? Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person or situation have had in your life. I love this quote by Louie Giglio, “Don’t let your scars define you, let the scars of Jesus define you!”

So what is your motivation for forgiveness? Is it reconciliation to someone you care about? Obedience to God by acting on the acceptance of forgiveness He has extended to you – freedom from guilt? I invite you to talk to God and allow Him show you where there may be resentment or unforgiveness. Ask Him to help you see just what has been done for your own freedom, and see if you can extend that forgiveness to someone in your life soon.

Let us all live the life Christ died for – FREE!

Amy Merritt

THE STORIES WE TELL OURSELVES

Sallie Dean

Four year old me, little legs sprawled out on a warm quilt in the sun, feeding and burping my cloth diapered baby dolls. I was nurturing from the moment I could grip a lovey. “Story” – a baby girl name on my long list of potential baby names to swoon over. I was made to mom.

I’ve always been drawn to stories… my granddaddy was an editor and lifelong writer, my house growing up had bookshelves bending with books, and my best thinking is done (besides in the shower) through forming and hashing out phrases that my eyes then get to take in; words give me life. And stories put skin on concepts…walk them out in ways I can grab onto. So I love thinking of God as this Crafter of beautiful stories; stories overflowing with interesting, edgy characters with unexpected potential, plot twists that develop bravery and strength in the heroine, and endings that shock you with redemption. This is His style. And the thing is—that IS our story, when we open up our tight grip and watch for Him at work in it. The story He is writing for my life is richer than I could have dreamed up—or would have had the courage to write for myself.

With a heart and the desire to nurture babies, (remember, little mama me), I danced into the season of trying to grow a family with my sweet husband. But it wasn’t happening. Waiting on motherhood over a span of years was hard, especially with each month marked by the reminder that my body was vacant. I have never been so aware of my need for His presence; His hope. God had always been present in my life – growing up in a home where He was loved and spoken of constantly. But this giant pause button on some of my dreams taught me He is present TO ME. He met me in my wait. Saw me there. And He grew me as He wooed me out into the desert alone with my hand in His trustworthy one. Psalm 27:14 says “When I wait, you strengthen my heart.”

I gained empathy for so many who walk around with shattered hopes and invisible wounds. I had new eyes for friends who have unmet longings and a heightened sensitivity for how my words or questions can trigger hurt. I battled contentment and self-pity as I was surrounded by baby joy… “I’m so happy for you—just sad for me,” I would say. So…I decided to pray for hope, for an attitude and heart of trust. For joy now, despite the circumstances. My husband Caleb and I bought a swing for our patio, and that simple thing marked a spot for me to practice gratefulness for where He had me. We would thank God that we could linger there, savoring stillness –“just” the two of us.

I made war on the lies that pummeled my heart (and can still creep in) like, “You’re broken. You aren’t fully woman if you can’t bear life.” I actively worked to believe Ephesians 2:10, “I am His masterpiece, a handcrafted delight to Him; Created for His purposes that He planned for me to walk in.” As I worked on healing, walking through a care ministry at my church for women facing infertility, He strengthened my heart. I was able to grieve in a healthy way, and I was empowered to fight for unity with my husband—because grief and stress can squash oneness. I began to see that sharing my weakness and woundedness made His fullness even more beautiful. I knew of His faithfulness, His good character my whole life, but through this He was faithful TO ME. Good TO ME. He became my hope, the lifter of my head. He sang songs of joy over me and allowed me to sing through sorrow. Even in the “No”…or “Not Yet” answers that He gave to my prayers, I found peace and satisfaction in His closeness. Only Jesus.

What makes me teary is that God’s stories never end with ashes. As we prayed for our steps to be in-step with His purposes, a new melody began to play. Adoption was the song that began to sing in a thousand different varieties, but unmistakably beating out the same tune. It did sing in my heart a little sooner than my husband’s, so that was a dance of trusting God, and working to give unconditional respect to my guy when we were clearly on different pages. To be specific: cut the nagging, hold your tongue lady, and journal your heart out. If God was truly calling us to adopt, He would absolutely bring us both to that decision with clear confirmation. And over many months, He did just that. We became not just on board; we were passionate. In that mysterious way, He weaves goodness out of things that break His heart…. It was plain to us that building our family through adoption was what He had planned for us before He laid the foundations of the earth.

We had what felt like an eternal wait…but then a whirlwind adventure the moment we took steps toward a domestic infant adoption. We were matched with an expecting mom who in 6 days would deliver a baby girl and a baby boy–twins! Double our heart’s desire. I held her hand in that delivery room as God held every tear I had cried over those years of waiting–not a single tear had been wasted. Psalm 56 says He has a bottle just for MY tears…how great is that?! God knew her, scared with that growing belly…He knew them, precious Ezra and Remy…and He knew us the whole time, and had been weaving us together in the way only He could. He did immeasurably more than we could have asked or imagined, for His great glory!

I had always known He was an extravagant Giver of good gifts…but He became an extravagant Giver TO ME. In the words of Psalm 113, He “lifts the needy from the ash heap. He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children.” I haven’t stopped praising Him since. As I settled into this instant motherhood, He gave me countless opportunities to tell…to cry with other women caught in the pain of infertility, to give a tidbit to nosey people in the grocery store who complimented me on my “post-partum” bod; to encourage many in the journey toward adoption, and it is my greatest joy to still watch His glory ripple out. Our story is so much bigger than us.

As my babies grew into toddlers, He would give me an incredible opportunity. An email came in one day from my long ago friend, Maurie. She is one of 8 biological siblings….and her baby sister came to them through adoption at the age of 7. Little Megan has a story that is beautiful, but complex, as she has experienced significant loss in the years before she joined her forever family. In the email Maurie told me how it was like God had caused her bones to burn like Jeremiah until she couldn’t not write down some thoughts for her sister. She asked me to consider giving her words some images. I could only cry as I read them in that early draft, as I recognized so many of my Father’s words and His kind, Sovereign heart all throughout.

I had my share of insecurities as to whether I could ever find a way to do these powerful words justice, but I was hooked. It would be for Megan, but it had this weightiness to it like maybe it was for many children…. Children we couldn’t even envision…but to whom it might find its way.

I drowned in watercolor—drafts after drafts—and found myself literally weaving thread into the heavy weight paper. I was so convinced He wanted me to reinforce that He had been present in those adoption stories, taking the broken pieces of those lives and, with purpose, lovingly weaving families together.

It took me over a year to crawl my way through to the other side, but together we were able to craft Megan’s story, titled The Bridge That Love Built. We would humbly send it out into the world to be an encouragement and tool for other families to go together back to those gaps, those hard spots in their stories armed with the truth that their Heavenly Daddy was present the whole time. He knew. He saw. He cares.

And those truths echoed over my own story…and is true of yours. “You were never invisible to Him, never forgotten by Him. Everything that happened to you mattered to Him, just as if it happened to Him. He saw when you were hurt by the words and actions of other people. He heard you crying when no one else cared. He knew your deepest feelings, the ones you tried to hide.”

And those faces which were once blurred in our minds, who God knew and treasured all along, began to become clear to us… the precious faces of adopted children, young and old, all over the world who hold the book in their hands now. One story of many was from a grown adoptee who aged out of the foster system who shared through tears after receiving the book, that his wounds were being bound-up by the truth of his SEEN-ness to God…the truth that his life mattered deeply to God, that God sung lullabies to him even though no parent ever did. To hear that it is meeting a felt need brings joy down deep. That’s the power of God’s Word. To HIM be glory! What a precious privilege to be His humble little vessel with the vantage point of seeing families ushered into another layer of healing!

It is SO not lost on me that if He had not walked me through my own desert, or woven adoption into our story, I would never have had this great honor of bearing His light in this way.

So dear ones reading this, our stories may hold pain, disappointment, and heartache because this is not our home, but our stories in the hands of a Redeeming Father can be our greatest platform to offer out a calloused hand and meet others in the grit of their own journey.

As The Bridge That Love Built closes, “In Jesus, there’s always a happy ending.” What hope we have!
—–

To hear more from Sallie, check out her interview on the Mom Struggling Well Podcast
The Bridge That Love Built can be purchased on Amazon
And don’t forget to like them on Facebook and follow them on Instagram
to find encouragement and connection with others in the adoptive/adoptee community!

CARRIED THROUGH CANCER

Robin Buffington
Spring Break is always a blessing for a teacher. The week of rest, relaxation and fun was typical for my annual break from school, and I looked forward to Spring Break 2014. A month before, I had found a lump during a breast exam and had scheduled a mammogram during the week of my break. I wasn’t alarmed, due to my history of fibroid cysts, and didn’t mind waiting a month to see the doctor. After a mammogram and sonogram that week, a biopsy was recommended. I frustratingly agreed to do one the following day, more annoyed by the inconvenience than concerned by what the results of the biopsy might be. After all, I had regular check-ups, had no history of cancer in my family, and I lived a relatively healthy life.

The day I returned to school after Spring Break, I received a call from the doctor’s office with the results of the biopsy. I had breast cancer. I immediately called my husband and shared the news with him. My mind began to race…How could this be? And how would this change our future?Could this possibly be wrong? Lumpectomy/Mastectomy? Will I have to undergo chemotherapy treatments? Maybe I could just have radiation…But wait….what do I know to be true? “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

My husband and I had the opportunity to discuss everything we were thinking that evening. As we talked, we knew our faith would be tested. We wanted, no matter the outcome of the diagnosis and treatment, for our lives to be ones that reflected Christ. Having accepted Christ as my personal Savior in my childhood, I had complete confidence of my eternal destination. I knew that He had the perfect plan for my life. He had always been faithful, and I knew He always would be. Having just studied the book of Nehemiah with our Sunday School class, the verse we claimed was Nehemiah 6:9, reminding us that though the enemy may try to discourage us, we could cry out to God to strengthen us and help us to complete His work despite our circumstances. “They were all trying to frighten us thinking, ‘Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.’ But I prayed, ‘Now strengthen my hands.’”

After meeting with my surgeon and oncologist, surgery was scheduled for two weeks after my diagnosis and chemotherapy would begin one month later. A total of 16 rounds of chemotherapy and 28 of radiation would be my treatment plan. My mind was trying to process all the information…that was more chemotherapy than I usually heard of a breast cancer patient having as a part of an initial treatment plan. It didn’t sound good! I would lose my hair, and likely my dignity. In all my childhood dreams, losing my hair had never been a part of any of them, nor was having cancer.

Everything began to happen so quickly, and I could see God’s hand working in it all. I was so thankful God provided the perfect teacher to step in to finish the school year. The precious angels who were my students that year, were prayer warriors on my behalf with their new teacher and supportive parents. God used each one of them to encourage me through letters, cards, pictures, gifts, and meals. My daughter would be graduating from high school in a few weeks, and I would be able to attend her graduation…with a wig. But I could be there for her. I was blessed with the gift of many wonderful friends and family throughout the dark road of cancer, and I saw the hands and feet of Christ at work in ways I had never experienced before. I learned how important it is for me to be those same hands and feet to others in need and the disappointment I felt when someone refused to allow me to bless them during their own hardship.

God drew me close to Him and blessed me in so many ways during my journey of cancer. While life wasn’t going as I had planned, I knew my life was in His hands. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. Rather than wallow in pity for myself, God allowed me to understand that I could fully trust Him. My eyes needed to be fixed on Him and not myself or my circumstances. While vision was definitely a side effect of the chemotherapy I struggled with, and my ability to read my Bible many days was effected, I tried to not only cling to His promises, but commit to memory new truths.

Among my favorites:
As for God, His way is perfect: The Word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him. Who is God besides the Lord? And Who is our Rock, except our God? For it is God, who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. Psalm 18:30-32. But as for me, I will always have hope. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, and of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure- Psalm 71:15. I was reminded of the Biblical account of the Israelites fighting the Amalekites in Exodus 17. It was through the support of Aaron and Hur holding up Moses’ arms that victory was possible. My friends were that support to me throughout the long and dark journey I was on. My desire is to be that same light to others in their daily lives that others were to me in my darkest of days—hands and feet of Christ, prayer warriors, encouragers, and friends. No matter the struggles we face, God’s grace is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Though we may not understand the circumstances, we can trust the One who loves us and whose plans are greater than our own. (Isaiah 55:9)

I am thankful that I have been cancer free almost three years. While life can be difficult and our days are numbered, I am confident that “I know Whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day.” 2 Timothy 1:12.

COMING OUT FOR CHRIST

Cheryl Reed

In the fall of 2009, my daughter Logan left for college. This left me in a place of despair, loneliness and isolation. For the first time in my life, I felt truly alone and was grieving the loss of motherhood as I knew it. With Logan moving away, it meant that many other things in my life would be ending as well. My life had been so wrapped up in my daughter’s life with all the sports she participated in, school functions, club soccer travel, and just wanting to be the best Mom I could be for my daughter – always wanting to be there for her. My adult friends were all those parents who were involved in the various activities over the last 18 years, so after Logan left for college, it felt like I lost everything that was familiar and comfortable. My home changed from a home full of laughing teenage girls to house of deafening silence. That’s when a slow buildup of panic began to overwhelm me.

It was at that point, that I began reflecting back on my life and looking at it with a totally different perspective. It was a spiritual perspective. My journey with Christ has not been one that I can say I’m proud of because I left Him during my young adult years. I grew up with my mother taking my sister and me to church ALL the time. My father spent Sundays fishing and told me it was his time with God, which I easily accepted. My father was also an alcoholic, which caused me to be afraid of him as a young child, not understanding the effects alcohol can have on behavior. Although, over time, he would become one of my best friends before he died of cancer in 2001. While I was in high school, he came to know Jesus and accepted Him as his Savior, Hallelujah!

I was a child of the 60’s and considered myself a “flower child” growing up – I saw images of peace, love and happiness, and had a very adventuresome spirit early on. My parents were married when my mother was only sixteen because she got pregnant with me. She was not equipped, nor ready to handle the bundle of joy I was, or really wasn’t. My sister came along when I was 2 years old and from that point on, I became very jealous and would have nothing to do with my mother. According to my mother, I became very independent at a young age and practically raised myself. My mother was too young to realize I needed all the affection, attention and nurturing only a mother can give during those early years. She still needed mothering herself. My childhood included sexual abuse at the age of 8 by a teenage boy in our neighborhood. Believing it was my fault, I dealt with feelings of shame and I never talked about the incident until decades later.

I decided at a very young age to follow Jesus and understood very well His promise of love and eternal life. It was John 3:16 that spoke to me and helped me understand the simple message of believing in Christ. My young faith grew into my teenage years and I began attending Christian coffee houses with a 60’s hippie influence. I was meeting tons of new people and making great friends who all had one common goal – to passionately praise and serve God and to point others to His love. A particular person would come into my life and change it forever. That person was a woman who I met at the new church I began attending. I was 17 at the time, and was mysteriously drawn to her, but I was unable to pinpoint the reason why. She was a woman who struggled with same sex attraction, struggling to stay on a path towards Christ. I was unaware of her struggle until I had been slowly seduced by her over time. I thought I was strong enough in the Lord to defeat whatever Satan put in front of me. I wasn’t. Satan himself can make all things seem so beautiful and right and loving. God’s word tells us in 1 Peter 5:8, “[he] prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” I bought Satan’s lie of being born this way and took on a false identity of pursuing what was pleasing and acceptable to me. My flesh became the loudest voice, drowning out any attempt by God to win me back. This one experience would lead me away from Jesus and His church for the next 30 years.

I spent the decade of my 20’s in gay bars indulging in all the drugs and alcohol I wanted. By age 27, I had been in 3 relationships, one of which was with a woman 19 years older than me who was an abusive alcoholic and who battered me to the point that I attempted suicide in order to escape. In my late 20’s I met a woman who I would be with for many years. She was a professional, an attorney with a well-known airline, and I was enjoying a dream job with JCPenny Corp. But I was living in two different worlds, walking very carefully on a path between gay and straight – always being cautious about what I might say in my straight world, fearful that someone would discover the secret life I was living.

I never believed my life would be complete without a child. I knew from the time I was in 2nd grade that I wanted to be a mommy. I had already named my future daughter “Sunshine” by the age of sixteen. After a year and a half, I got pregnant through donor insemination and the most beautiful baby girl came into the world (although her name wasn’t Sunshine). We wanted to have a second child, so my partner decided to adopt a baby from China since there was a huge need. A sweet and beautiful baby girl came to us at 7 months of age. Although I had long since left God, I thanked Him for the gifts He had given me because I knew that is exactly what they were. Those two little girls saved me in a way from a path of total destruction, and caused me to pause and think about God a little bit more. I took them to church a few times, but could never resolve my spiritual life with my lifestyle – something that tormented me for the majority of my life, so I never took them back. After a few years, I began worrying about something, but I didn’t know what. It felt like something was lurking underneath the surface. I eventually discovered my partner was having an affair which sent me into an emotional crisis. I was broken into a million pieces. At times, I didn’t believe I could care for myself or get myself through the intense emotional breakup. How could I carry around a million broken pieces? But I held myself together, hiding behind a mask of happiness in order to protect my girls’ hearts. I moved out and into another house nearby. We both made the decision early on that we would never use the girls against one another and would always keep their best interests at heart, no matter what we were struggling with at the time. We wanted to spare them pain through this process, being ever so protective of their emotions and feelings. The weekends I didn’t have the girls became very difficult for me. I began drinking a great deal on those weekends to suppress my pain, and when it didn’t work, I began cutting my arms over the kitchen sink. I was releasing the pain each time I made a cut. It was symbolic in a way, watching myself bleed was like watching the pain go away and leave my body. It felt good – it felt right at the time. I couldn’t commit suicide, I would never do that to my girls, so I dealt with my pain through drinking and cutting when I was alone. I thought about God during those times, but I was just too far away to reach up, too lost, too consumed with my pain to look to Him to save me. I was certain He would never want me back. I knew my betrayal hurt Him deeply.

Over time, a busy life replaced my brokenness. There would be one more relationship, the last relationship living with my false identity and attempting to resolve my spiritual self with my gay self. Those feelings were consuming me, and I needed to figure it out, so I decided to end the relationship. I hated myself for breaking another person’s heart, but I had become restless, tormented and confused and had reached the conclusion that I needed resolution with the conflicts in my head and heart. I began reading books on the subject, but found conflicting information and didn’t know what to believe or feel. I still didn’t seek God’s help. I was in the process of trying to save myself, by myself. I was seeking a truth that would ease my guilt, instead of His truth which alone could set me free. (John 8:32)

Throughout it all, and hidden from me, was God’s masterful plan unfolding in my life. Life again, got extremely busy and there was no time for me to think, read books, or search for answers. It was called “being a parent with kids who were involved in everything.” I was happy at the time because I didn’t have to think about my life. I was single and didn’t want anyone new to come into the girls’ lives, so I decided I would just wait and figure that out once my daughter went off to college. I went on to experience several deep losses over the years – losing my father in 2001, losing my 17 year career at JCP Corp., and having to sell the home of my dreams. I hid everything inside, always needing to be strong for someone else, putting on different masks for different situations – all the while carrying my broken heart pieces everywhere.

This brings me back to the beginning, the fall of 2009, when it took total silence for me to be alone with God. In an empty house, no voices, no distractions, it was just God and me. I was scared for my life – my eternal life – because I had not resolved anything. I left Him, but He never left me and He was so willing to take me back. Who does that? That thought alone breaks my heart and makes me love Him so much. God then put me in a company working with several believers that attended a local church. I also began attending and started my path back to Christ. He had so much patience over those 30 years, waiting with His steadfast and true love for a sinner girl like me, who had fallen so far down to a place where I had no choice but to yell out for my Father to help me, to save me, to show me how to get up with all of my bruises and broken heart pieces so that He could make me new again. He picked me up and piggybacked me as He was putting the pieces of me back together. Isaiah 42:16 says, “I will turn the darkness into light before them and make rough places smooth; these are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” He has shined His light into my darkness and is smoothing over my rough places as He sanctifies me to be more like His Son – making me spiritually and morally new and glorious in His sight! I’m His daughter now and I call Him, “Abba, sweet Abba!” I have seen God’s masterful plan over my life. He wanted me back – regardless of my past, my shame, my sin and guilt – He’s wanted to restore me, love me all along – HIS GRACE for me is overwhelming at times! I feel like He is fulfilling the prayer of Paul in Romans 15:13, as I am constantly being filled with His joy and peace, which overflows with so much hope – hope for today and hope for all of my tomorrows! I say His name when I wake up and when I close my eyes at night – Jesus, how worthy You are Lord, You are worthy of all my praise! “And every breath was a hallelujah!”

DREAMS COME TRUE

Jenni Norsworthy

In April of 2014, I turned 30 years old, and the idea of starting a family – which was something that I had put on the back burner for the first four years of our marriage – suddenly became something I could not stop obsessing over. Not only were my husband Harry and I the only couple in our group of friends without a child, but many of my girlfriends were already pregnant with number two! I knew I was ready to become a mother, but any time I tried to broach the topic with Harry, it was clear that children were still a long way off on his ideal timeline.

My instinct would have been to manipulate and control, or to not-so-subtly drop hints that he needed to hop on board the baby train that was constantly circling around in my mind! But the Lord had been doing a lot of work on my heart in the months leading up to this, and He had shown me on multiple occasions that things go far better when I just trust Him with the outcome instead of attempting to take matters into my own hands. So I began to pray. I didn’t want to pressure my husband into something that he wasn’t quite ready for, so I prayed that God would give me patience and keep me from becoming a nagging wife as He worked on Harry’s heart in His time and His way.

In the waiting, God began to open my eyes to the wonders of His Word through the study of the Hebraic roots of our faith. I was blown away by how much He was teaching me and showing me, and it caused me to fall deeper in love with Him! I learned just how intricate and detailed the scriptures are – even down to the tiniest stroke of a letter! His sovereignty became so real and recognizable as I saw it spread across the pages of my Bible, and I began to trust and believe how intimately involved He is, not only on a global scale, but in the minor details of our lives.

Flash forward to late November 2014. My husband and I were getting ready for church when he began telling me about a dream he had that night. In his dream we were driving around in Jerusalem with a little girl in the backseat named Abigail. Immediately, I knew this was significant, and I quickly typed the name “Abigail” in my phone to discover what I already suspected – it was a Hebrew name. And yes, I’m one of “those people” who wanted to have biblical names for my children – not because I believe it in any way makes them “holier” than children with non-biblical names, but because I love how the meaning of these names are part of the story that God is writing. So not only is “Abigail” a Hebrew name, Abigail was the wife of King David, and her name means “the father’s joy.”

If only I could have captured the look on Harry’s face after I told him the meaning of the name. It was almost like you could see the mental shift in that moment. If you were to ask him, he would tell you that was the moment he was ready to start a family. After talking about it, we decided that 2015 was going to be the year we started trying to get pregnant. Because I believe God has a sense of humor, and that He often chuckles at our human attempts of “control,” we found out we were expecting before we even rang in the new year. I don’t think either of us doubted for a second that we were expecting a girl. Abigail.

I wish I could say that this dream just gave me a tremendous dose of faith, but I struggled with so much anxiety throughout the pregnancy. I had so much fear – some justified, due to a genetic blood mutation that has been shown to cause difficulties in pregnancy, birth defects, and miscarriage – but so many were completely irrational. I could hear the enemy whisper lies like, “You don’t deserve this…’So and so’ isn’t even able to have a child and they are a far better ‘Christian’ than you…Since you are so worried about this, God is going to take your baby because you are making it an idol.” Horrible deceptions that caused doubt to creep in and my faith to waver. I constantly had to battle these thoughts with truth from God’s Word. I clung to Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Never before had I experienced so much spiritual warfare in my life, constantly having to battle the darts of the devil by taking thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ. And God was so faithful. After every perfect doctor’s appointment, I could just hear Him whisper, “See? Trust me.” My views of God really deepened during those nine months. I began to see Him as my Loving Father who was not just looking for any excuse to punish me for past or current mistakes or lapses in faith. When I was faithless, He continued to show Himself faithful.

As I was wheeled into the operating room for a C-section after 23 hours of a failed induction, I was overcome with such a heavy blanket of peace. I could barely hear anything that anyone was saying to me, but the words “Trust me” were on repeat in my mind. When I heard her first cry and Harry brought her over, I was in awe – there she was. Abigail. A dream come true!

GRACE

In Exodus 33:18, Moses boldly asks God, “show me your glory.” God graciously agrees, but He is so holy, that Moses has to hide behind a rock, and he’s only allowed to see God’s back as He passes by and proclaims His name. God introduces Himself to Moses as “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.” (Exodus 34:6-7a) In the Bible, order is an indicator of importance, and God leads here with compassion, grace and love. But His full glory was too much for human eyes to see.

Fast forward to the New Testament, “and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth…For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” (John 1:14,16) “Christ is the visible image of the invisible God.” (Colossians 1:15) The glory of God is no longer hidden! We are able to see the glory through His Son, and it’s no surprise that it mirrors that first introduction to Moses – the emphasis is on His grace.

So if grace is one of the self-proclaimed, most defining traits of God, we would do well to chase this concept until we grasp it, love it, and need it. According to the Moody Handbook of Theology, “Grace may be defined as the unmerited or undeserving favor of God to those who are under condemnation.” When my dad tells his testimony, he says “I had to get lost before I could get saved.” The first step to receiving grace is realizing a deep need for it. If God were full of justice, fairness and truth, without the weighty balance of grace, we wouldn’t stand a chance. We would be like Moses, hiding behind a rock, unable to come close to the glory of God.

I was in a meeting a couple of weeks ago where someone posed a question based off of 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” The question was “why is it just for God to forgive our sins?” The fair thing to do would be to punish us for our sins, right? We all understand consequences. It’s the price you pay for a wrong turn. It’s the way the world works, and it’s only fair. But this verse says that God is acting out of justice when He forgives us. The answer to the question is “Jesus.” It’s only fair for God to forgive our sins because our debt has already been paid by Jesus. That is grace!

To know Jesus is to know grace.

He is the Rock that we can hide behind, ushering us into the presence of God. We’re covered in Jesus’ righteousness, although completely undeserved. None of us can work our way to glory or earn forgiveness. (If Moses wasn’t worthy, I know I’m not!) The best thing about grace is that it requires nothing of us but to accept it. “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16) He’s not just offering the grace to save us, but unending, abundant grace to help us anytime we ask for it! When we go through this process of admitting our need, receiving grace, and boldly asking for more, He will graciously agree. It’s this process that defines us as Christ-followers. We will lose our quick temper, gain a genuine love for others, and grow in compassion and forgiveness. It’s hard to hang onto resentment or to think critically about others when we have an accurate view of the grace we’ve been given. Let’s allow this truth to sink in and fill us up, so that it will overflow as second-hand grace to everyone around us!

Amanda Buccola