Ebenezer Collective

RECOVERING FROM EATING DISORDER AND FINDING FULLNESS IN CHRIST

Eleanor Boynton

At the beginning of my senior year in high school, I began seeing girls I knew battling eating disorders. I had been struggling with depression for the past year, and was searching for something else to replace my emotions and feelings that were too hard for me to handle. The eating disorders I was seeing began to appeal to me and my need for something else to focus on. I had struggled with body image issues my whole life up until this point, and the idea that I could be thin enough to love my body was so very enticing. Although I was a believer, I was immature in my faith and was desperate for what I thought would be a “quick fix,” so I took it upon myself to cope with my depression and insecurity by doing what the world told me would help.

As I often tend to do, I went into this eating disorder hard and fast, restricting my food intake and compulsively exercising. Despite losing 5 pounds and then 10 pounds, nothing was enough. I had to go farther, work harder, and be better at this thing that people were calling an “eating disorder,” but to me it was an exercise in self-control and a way to avoid pain. I knew Christ and had accepted Him as my Savior, but I had not learned how to truly rely on Him – to trust Him and let His love fill me rather than the things of the world that I would later learn are so fleeting. I never would have guessed then that I would be dealing with my eating disorder 15 years later. I thought it was something I could try out, play with, use to make myself feel better for a bit, and then I’d move on to bigger and better things. I was so very mistaken!

After seeing a counselor and dietitian for a few months, the high school phase of my eating disorder came to an end somewhat quickly. When my parents took me to a nearby outpatient eating disorder treatment center and told me that’s where I would be if I lost any more weight, I immediately decided I would eat enough to get by and not have to suffer consequences. I put a band-aid on my eating disorder and moved on. So I thought. From college all the way until the early years of my marriage, I struggled off and on with eating disorder behaviors. When I was really stressed, lonely or depressed, I would restrict my food intake or over-exercise to control my weight for a season and then I would eventually snap out of it and move on. This cycle repeated itself countless times. Because it was never really bad, I didn’t seek the treatment I needed, nor did I ever come to a place of feeling like I desperately needed the Lord. Little did I know, my eating disorder was essentially a ticking time bomb – waiting for a crisis big enough to set it off.

That crisis came along when my first baby, Walker, was 8 weeks old, and my husband confessed to having an affair. My world was completely rocked and I eventually slipped into a deep depression. I had been seeing a Christian counselor for months and was off and on multiple antidepressants that weren’t working. I was begging the Lord to take away my depression and give me joy, but I just didn’t have it in me to trust Him. I was so hurt and so hopeless that I started feeling like I needed to fix myself. My brain went right back to my eating disorder, remembering this as an easy way to make myself feel better…and quickly. I immediately shifted all of my focus onto food, exercise, and the number on the scale. However, this time, I couldn’t stop. The pain I was avoiding was too big and too daunting to go back to. I wanted to keep numbing myself with my eating disorder and nothing was going to stop me – not even my sweet baby boy or my marriage that was being beautifully restored by the Lord. After a few months of seeing a dietitian in Dallas and getting worse rather than better, my treatment team, along with my husband and I, decided it would be best for me to go a treatment center in Denver to really take some ground in recovery. It was clear that this wasn’t going to happen on its own and that the Lord was asking me to trust Him and take these next steps toward healing. My eating disorder had grown into a giant beast, and left to its own devices, was going to hurt me or even end my life.

Leaving for treatment was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Being away from my 18 month old son for 7 weeks was something I never dreamed I would do, but after seeing how trustworthy the Lord was in healing my husband and restoring our marriage post-affair, I knew that if He was telling me to go, I needed to trust Him no matter how painful it was going to be. The 7 weeks I spent in treatment were equally the hardest and most restorative weeks of my entire life. The Lord knew I needed time and space to truly heal. Not only from my eating disorder, but from the pain I’d been dealing with for the past year and a half. I will never forget the sweet mornings where I sat by my little apartment fireplace, listening to worship music and writing down my prayers, occasionally glancing up towards the snow covered mountains out of my window. I can hardly contain the gratitude in my heart that I have for the Lord’s kindness in giving me that time in Denver. In no way was I “cured” during my weeks there, but I took major ground in my recovery and learned so much. The photo at the top of this blog post was taken the day after I returned home from treatment, just in time for Christmas…I was so, so happy to finally be with my boy!
To this day I still see a dietician and therapist and am actively working on taking more steps toward recovery. It has been a long and windy road where I’ve had to give and re-give myself and my idols to the Lord. I have to choose daily, if not hourly, to remember how empty the promises of my eating disorder are. In order to do this, I desperately need Jesus to be what fills me. Satan is deceitful and manipulative, and he longs to keep me chained to this disease. Fighting these lies is not easy, and sometimes it feels like I will never be completely healed, but I’m learning to trust that He is far more powerful than I can conceive. Zephaniah 3:17 says, “For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” He is with me. He alone can deliver me from my fears, and His love for me knows no limits. As long as I’m daily making a choice to seek Him alone for my comfort and joy, as well as being open and honest with my treatment team, my husband, and my close friends, then I trust He is leading me down a path that will sanctify me and glorify Him. If He’s anything like I believe Him to be (and I think He is!), He will use all of this pain and hardship for more purpose than I could possibly imagine!

Anxiety And Trusting The Lord

Amy Merritt

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I was in an equipping class at church last spring when I was memorizing this verse. One day out of the blue, I had an overwhelming sense of anxiety that crushed me. Anxiety was relatively new to me, and I had no idea why it was ramping up in this season of life. I have a complicated history of childhood trauma and came to know the Lord in my 30’s with numerous wounds and scars, but anxiety was never part of that story. This physical feeling was real and it had been happening more and more over the last few months. There was a deep distrust in my marriage and I had not been putting that into words – my heart was afraid to trust, so instead, I imagined worst case scenarios involving things my husband could possibly be doing against me. These were based purely out of my own imagination. This lack of trust caused me to be anxious and fearful of what could possibly be happening without my knowledge and out of my control. The result was physical. I felt sick – my heart rate elevated, my stomach was in knots, the walls were closing in… Philippians 4:6-7 popped into my head and I prayed through every single word, and after a few times through it, my anxiety was gone and I felt a sense of peace. How did just saying this miraculously help me? Well it didn’t, but as I was speaking truth against the overwhelming emotions I had, the intensity began to lessen and I was able to remember that peace comes from God and I needed that right now. His peace guards our hearts and our minds. I realized I had no control over anything in that moment, and I chose to believe what God was telling me, “Do not be ANXIOUS about ANYTHING,” and that it was a command. The Lord was telling me there is never a time when He says, “Ok, Amy, yes. That. Go ahead and worry about THAT, because I am busy over here and might lose track of your needs.” Instead, He says there is nothing I can be anxious about, because He has me.

After weeks had gone by, I began to realize that no matter what I was seeking in my marriage, when I started to force my husband to do more than he was capable of, that relationship became dysfunctional on my end. I would turn to manipulation and shaming as a defense mechanism so that I would not feel hurt and would try to push him away. I began to realize through the chaos in my heart and mind that the control I was seeking to have was an illusion. I needed to look to the Lord to meet my needs – my needs for security and significance would only be fulfilled by Him. If I was looking for that one person or one thing to be just so, in order to feel safe, it began to be an idol and came between me and the Lord. I know in my mind, that the Lord was going to have to be enough for me, and I wanted that, but I didn’t know how to have that perspective or heart change. I prayed for it though. Romans 8:26-27 says, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.”

In time, I started to change what I did when I felt anxious. When an anxious thought came to me and my heart started racing, I broke down the thought and decided whether it was something I had any control over. Almost always the answer was “No.” I chose to pray and give it to God instead. I also chose to LEAVE it with GOD and not revisit it by choosing not to dwell on the thought again. This actually started to work, the thoughts would come still, but I did not allow myself to entertain them. I prayed and said, “I can’t control that,” and I asked God to take it from me. This began to free me from the bonds of control that I was constantly trying to have over others. When I felt insignificant or unsafe, I was fearful – which resulted in my need to control others. Soon, I started to realize that God was enough and believed it in my heart. Through prayer and talking to GOD, my urge to control became less. My trust in the Lord deepened and I began to feel safe meditating on the truth that the Lord “is my steadfast love and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield and He in whom I take refuge.” Psalm 144:2

This is what I have learned, Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” On this journey of trusting the Lord, He has been using this verse to speak to me. It doesn’t just mean that no matter what happens, I need to just be okay with it because God knows and He will let me know when I need to know what He’s doing. It means that my purpose is to be Christ-like, and everything God is doing around me, through me, in me, is for that purpose. He is constantly refining me. For my good, to be like Him. To desire what He desires. To feel enough because He is enough for me. To feel His love because He died for me. And to be free because Christ is in me. All of those things are for His glory. My good and His glory.

God’s promise in Romans 8 means He is already at work, refining us for our good. The life I now live, I live by faith – the pain, suffering, hard relationships, trusting others, boundary issues – God can redeem them all. Romans 6:6-8 “We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.” We can choose to believe this and live in the freedom that has been paid for us through the blood of Jesus. Despite the choices we make, whether sinful or merely not fully trusting in God’s goodness, we are forgiven and He loves us right where we are. We are told in Romans 8:35 that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ – He redeems everything we give to Him. We have to choose to do that, and nothing can stop the redemption process. Not death, not life, not angels or rulers. Not this moment, or all the tomorrows to come. Nothing can stop God from working all things for good—not even you or me (Romans 8:38-39).

Hear more of Amy’s story here: Mom Struggling Well Podcast: Episode 51

or on iTunes: Mom Struggling Well Podcast: Episode 51 on itunes

REMEMBER

Our human nature seems to have a proclivity to remember. We remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other special occasions. We fill up photo albums (or in this day and age, smartphones) with moments we have captured because we want to remember. To remember how cute your little one looked when they were covered in chocolate icing with that mischievous smile on their face. To remember a night out with some of your closest friends and the amazing chocolate dessert you all shared. To remember that breathtaking sunset that you know will never look as good on camera as it did in real life. We are all about collecting moments to remember, carrying them along with us through life, like little pebbles gathered on the seashore.

I believe this natural tendency to remember is by design. God, who constantly looks down and remembers us, wants to be remembered by us. Not just on Sunday mornings, but in every aspect of our lives. The book of Deuteronomy is Moses’ last address to the Israelites before they entered the Promised Land. After 40 years of wandering, they were about to taste and see all the promises that God had made to them through His covenant with Abraham and Moses. Yet Moses calls them to remember how much the Lord had already done for them. In chapter 1:31 he says, “And you saw how the Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you traveled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now He has brought you to this place.”

Often times God uses the barren wastelands of our lives to draw us closer to Him. In the places where we are helpless, without hope, weary and weak, our Heavenly Father steps in and carries us through. Sometimes He carries us kicking and screaming, sometimes He holds us close to His chest and shields us from the full reality of our circumstances, and sometimes He just holds us – stroking our cheeks and wiping our tears as He sees us through to the other side. He doesn’t always bring us through these deserts the way we would expect – there are often round-about routes, treacherous trails, and perilous paths. But after He brings us out, whether it’s to mountain peaks or still, calm waters, we can see just how He carried us, just how He provided, just how He never once let us walk alone. He is faithful, and remembering His faithfulness draws us nearer to Him and equips us to trust Him through the next wilderness.

So what are the stones of remembrance, the Ebenezers, in your own life? Make a mental list! Write them down! And start praising God for ALL He has done – for the deserts He has carried you through, the Red Sea roads He made when you thought there was no other way, the pillars of smoke that lead you into lands of promise. The story God is writing for you does not end when you accept Him as your Savior – it’s just the beginning! Let us not be like the Israelites, who in the very next verse Moses says, “But even after all He did, you refused to trust the Lord your God, who goes before you looking for the best places to camp, guiding you with a pillar of fire by night and a pillar of cloud by day.” Instead, let us always remember what the Lord has done throughout each and every peak and valley He brings us through!
Jenni Norsworthy

Young Warrior

Lauren Scurry

I know the feeling all too well – being shaken to the core after entering the doctor’s office a little too confidently. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve been crushed in this room, with every new life I come hopeful and comfortable, almost naive, and unprepared for what I am going to hear. Unprepared for what lies ahead. And this time is unmatched entirely. On August 4, in that room, we were told that our baby has Cystic Hygroma. A 12mm cyst of fluid on its neck traveling all the way down its back to the bottom. This was an unremarkable pregnancy for the first 11 weeks, and now at my 11 week sonogram, here were are….hearing words we never thought we would hear and learning new terms on a moment’s notice. How naive of me to think that since we heard a heartbeat weeks ago that we were out of the woods! The Cystic Hygroma can mean many things, but most of the time points to a chromosomal abnormality like Down Syndrome, Turner’s Syndrome, Trisomy 13, Trisomy 18, or possibly another more rare syndrome or abnormality. My mom and 3 year old twin daughters had come to the the appointment with me and my husband, and were excited to see the baby on a sonogram. After a few minutes of discussion with the doctor, my mom took my daughters out of the room. My husband and I held hands hanging on every word that doctor said, but at the same time not comprehending everything in its entirety. The thing that stuck with us the most is that he said there is a 75% chance that something is significantly wrong with our baby’s development. I went to the bathroom while waiting for the doctor to return to conduct an invasive diagnostic test, while my husband went out to the waiting room to brief my mom on what the doctor had told us. I remember crying, pleading with God…asking Him not to leave my baby, not to leave me. I never asked why this was happening? I knew the answer….God must be glorified. But I did fervently pray for Him not to abandon me. I’m not sure why I prayed that….I have never worried that God would abandon me, and in that moment I knew He wouldn’t, but I had to be sure….I needed assurance that if I was going to walk through this, if my family was going to walk through this…if my baby was going to walk through this, He would be with us. I felt certain I could handle adversity that ultimately resulted in His glory if He was with me assuring me with His love and sovereignty every step of the way. I pulled it together and went back to the room where I received a more in-depth diagnostic test called a CVS, and walked away with cramps, a crushed soul, and a printout in hand covering Cystic Hygroma copied from a 1980’s textbook.

As much of a shock as this was to hear, and as unprepared as my brain was to process information like this, God had prepared my heart for it. Just a few days before the appointment, I was talking to my friend, Amanda, about God writing our story and when He shows up in ways only God can, and how important it is to share that story…to mark the event, to offer hope, and to glorify God. Her idea came from 1 Samuel, when Samuel sets up a stone to declare that God had helped them win a battle that revived Israel. I loved everything she was saying (This idea has now grown into the Ebenezer Collective). My family had just moved to Dallas from Austin 4 days prior to this conversation, and I knew God had a story to write for us in Dallas…that there was a bigger reason in the grand scheme of life that we were here. And I felt that it had to do with my unborn baby. The next day, I spent a long time thinking about this idea of setting up your stone and sharing your story. I wanted to know what my current story was. I read through 1 Samuel and then wrote in my journal. Here is my journal entry from August 2, two days prior to our appointment when we found out about the Cystic Hygroma:

“God what is this tugging, pulling, overflowing in my heart? You are preparing me for something. I just have a resting peaceful feeling that my baby…Your baby you are giving us – is special….like life-giving, joy-flowing, odds-overcoming special. You are writing my story. The setting is Dallas…why?”

By the grace of God, He was preparing my heart for what I was about to learn two days later.

___________________________

After that appointment, we received a phone call from my OB/GYN regarding results from a prior blood test. We were able to find out the gender at just 11 weeks. In that moment, we found out our baby was a girl, who we would name June Louise, meaning “Young Warrior.” And does she have some fighting to do! We are just getting started!

The results from my diagnostic test recently came back negative! Ruling out all chromosomal abnormalities at this time increases our daughter’s chance of survival significantly – what a HUGE praise! (That is an Ebenezer within itself. “Thus far, the Lord has helped us!”) We still don’t know if I will be able to carry our daughter to term. We don’t know if we will ever be fortunate enough to hold her in our arms, or, if we are so blessed to meet her, how long we will have with her. And the possibility exists that this could resolve and be insignificant in her life outside the womb. We are in the desert of the “not knowing” right now. And by the grace of God, we find comfort in what we DO know – we are, indeed, standing on TOP of the mountain while the enemy is trying to trample us down to the valley. Praise God for His grace, peace, and sovereignty. Because we know that no matter what happens on this earth, it is finished, and our hope is in the next!

And the God of all Grace, who called you into His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you, and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Through it all, I am working to rejoice in this suffering. I know that sounds absurd….to rejoice in your suffering… but God is good, no matter what. Even if He does nothing we ask of Him! This is a mindset…a decision I must make everyday to believe this. How small are we to wish our will on God’s sovereign plan just because it shields us from unwanted pain? It’s just simply not about us, it’s about God and His ultimate glory. That’s easy to say looking back on a valley, because I’ve had many in which I’ve learned God’s faithfulness in retrospect, but in the middle of it…it takes courage and faith. We don’t need to sit around in our trials and wait for God’s faithfulness to kick in; He just is. It’s His nature.

We rejoice in our sufferings knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3

Welcome To Ebenezer Collective

Welcome to EbCo! We are so excited to have a place to share our stories with you, and cannot WAIT to hear what God is doing in your life too!

As you can imagine, this website has an Ebenezer story of its own. Everything I had been reading, listening to, and studying seemed to be pointing me to write down what powerful work God has done in my life. The importance of remembering what God has done, and the benefits of writing it down, was a theme for weeks. I finally gave in and decided to make the time to write some stories after I read 1 Samuel 7, and was struck by the story of the Ebenezer stone (you can read a summary here). I emailed some friends and asked that they’d hold me accountable to quit procrastinating, and to take this step of obedience that felt pretty insignificant. As soon as I sent that email, I heard “why just your story?” That question would NOT leave my brain until I let it out, so I told a friend. I told her of this burden I had all of the sudden to create a place for anyone and everyone to share their stories of God’s grace.

I had a series of playdates that week, and this Ebenezer idea was a topic of conversation at each one. It was amazing to hear how this idea that God had given me tied in with convictions and desires in these friends’ hearts as well. By the end of each of these playdates, there was an even greater energy and passion for the idea. I started working on the website, and writing down some of the Ebenezer seasons in my life that I wanted to remember. By week two, I was thinking through the different social media platforms and the logistics of how everything would work, and I was overwhelmed. I told God I would put a pin in this idea and come back to it once both kids went off to Kindergarten. I had just recently decided I needed more rest in my life, and this felt like the opposite of rest. It felt too big for right now, and I wanted to quit before I had even started. Thankfully, I’ve spent the past year in a 12-step recovery program for my struggles with perfectionism, control, and approval-seeking. I just happened (ahem) to be on Step 10, Continue. That’s where we learn to go through the 12 steps on a small scale in everyday life. I realized through a quick inventory that these thoughts of doubt were coming from a fear of failure. My recovery issues were rearing their ugly heads. I thought I could control this idea that was clearly from God, and tweak it to fit into my own timeline. I thought I could handle the workload more perfectly if I had more time to myself. But those excuses were just fancy ways of telling God “no.” I was telling Him that I didn’t trust Him or His timing. So I confessed those thoughts of doubt and resistance to my husband and friends, and I told the enemy he wasn’t going to win this one.

I planned a brainstorm with the friends who had expressed an interest in the website, and five of us met to put rubber to the road. We shared our strengths, passions, resources, cookies, and ideas. By the end of that meeting, the workload seemed so much more doable! Each of us fell naturally into different roles on the team, which emphasized the fact that this was all God’s idea from the beginning. The willingness of these ladies to give their time, energy, and skills to this effort is so humbling. They have little kids to raise, jobs to fulfill, husbands to love, churches to serve, and dinners to make. But they are all filled with a passion to love God, and to share how GOOD He is to those who follow Him. He doesn’t promise an easy life to His followers, but He does promise to work all things out for our good. (Romans 8:28)

You can get to know our team here, and by reading the first 5 Ebenezer stories on the blog. We plan to post Ebenezer Stories on Mondays and Fridays, and our team will post encouragement from our time in the Word on Wednesdays.

Follow us on Facebook and Instagram to keep up with the current stories! We’d love to see your everyday Ebenezers on social media too, you can post those on our Facebook page, and use the hashtag #thisismyebenezer on Instagram.

We realize that some stories require anonymity, so we’re happy to share your story without including your name or photo. Our desire is to bring to light the powerful work of God in the details of real life situations. Many times, He does that through really difficult circumstances! We are convinced that vulnerability is one of the most powerful ways to communicate. When we realize that we’re all just struggling alongside each other, we have hope, we gain courage, and we can overcome difficulties by the power of our great God!

Amanda Buccola and the EbCo team