Ebenezer Collective

Life After 9/11, Tower II

By Nathan Harness

{For the detailed 9/11 story, scroll to the bottom for the audio version!}

My name is Nathan Harness and by the grace of God I am struggling well with fear, anxiety, control, lust, and people pleasing. I know, I know that is for another ministry, but it paints well the picture of the man who sits before you – a simple and broken vessel being repaired by the binding agent of a gracious God and filled with the hope and peace that only the Holy Spirit can provide. Romans 15:13 says, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Growing up my childhood was very prosaic, not in a mundane sense, but rather more of a “Leave it to Beaver” naivety to the stark reality of death and destruction. All of this changed in 2001, my story of grief begins as a young stock broker working in New York. I had only been employed by my company for two days when I found myself on the 61st floor of the World Trade Center Tower II on September 11th, 2001. Even thinking back now it almost seems like a surreal story. I remember that morning well having started the day with a feeling of pride in my ability to garner a job of such stature. But my hubris quickly turned to ambivalence as I realize that something was amiss as I looked out the window to the streets 61 floors below. I was able to make it to the stairwell and ultimately to the 42 floor before our building was hit by the second plane. The impact was like the shock wave from a bomb. The lights went out, sirens blared, people screamed, the walls cracked, and the steel girders creaked to the breaking point. Emotions surged through me quicker than I thought possible. Fear, anger, sorrow, loneliness, hope, resignation, and peace as I asked to Lord to make it quick and to give my loved ones comfort. But it wasn’t yet my time. The building swayed back to center and stood with final resolve giving hundreds of us the precious minutes we needed. By the time I got to the lower floors fire fighters were coming up the stairs telling us to keep going. These men and women became our lifelines to an exit we were unsure of. They died to give us a chance of survival. When I got to the mezzanine I saw for the first time the carnage and death equivocal to a war zone. I had to exit out of Tower I because too much debris was falling out of Tower II. I ran across the street passing piles of newspaper that served as burial shrouds for what had been the living moments before. When I looked up I saw for the first time the gaping hole where a plane had ripped through our building. I could still see smoke and flame pouring out of both buildings and the impulse of flight overwhelmed me. I ran for about 20 minutes before I heard a sound that forced me to turn back. My building, Tower II, was collapsing and dust was traveling towards us like an inexorable dust storm.

The rest of the day seemed like a blur as I wondered the city in search of my hotel. As the adrenaline from survival started to diminish my brain began to grasp the magnitude of the events. I was able to call my family and could only get out the words “I’m alive” before I began to weep. I had survived. It wasn’t long before the joy of survival became the guilt of survival. How many faceless victims had died so that I could live? Was this fair?

The next year was spent dealing with much anxiety stemming from what doctors called post traumatic stress disorder. I found myself at times paralyzed in fear and even guilt, and can remember feeling that God spared me because I had done enough “good”. Maybe if I lived an even better life I would again be rewarded with the simplicity of an ingenuous disposition toward death and suffering. Many people who heard my story would come up to me afterwards and say “God has big plans for you son”. But with a heart that was hurting I saw statements such as this as genial platitudes at best. Over the next two years my outward behavior reflected more and more a man who saw God as a disciplinarian rather than a loving savior. Life became more about me and what I did and less about Jesus Christ and what he did.

Almost three years later, I was still processing the “purpose” of what had happened to me during 9/11 when I got a late phone call from my dad. This was exceedingly rare. I felt anxiety creeping in quickly when I picked the phone up. My dad said, “Son where are you?”. I said, “I am at home, what’s going on?”. He said, “I want you to be calm”, and he said words I will never forget… “your brother has been shot”. I felt like someone had put a vice grip on my chest. How could this be happening?

Andrew was my younger brother. We grew up sharing a bedroom and had been close from the moment he was born. We had two twin beds in our room, and I can remember as a little boy being scared, pulling Andrew into my bed sometimes so I’d feel safer. The next morning I would tell him he must have crawled into my bed because he was scared. Being kind of heart he would just accept it as true. That was Andrew: kind hearted, funny, inquisitive, he was the kid who would take apart his toy just to see how it worked.

After my dad’s call, I immediately got in my car and started driving towards home which was 12 hours away. I felt so much uncertainty and fear. I remember crying out to God, begging him to just save Andrew. I asked God to take me instead. I thought if I bargained well enough maybe we could keep Andrew. My family called about halfway into my drive, and I didn’t even want to pick the phone up. I knew that news this late could only be bad. And so it was. On the side of the highway in Oklahoma my mother called me to tell me that the gunshot wound was self inflicted and Andrew was clinically dead. I felt so empty at that moment. How could this be happening? Why? My despair soon turned to anger. I was angry at Andrew and I was angry at God. How could God allow this to happen? Why would Andrew do this to our family? What could I have done? I wanted to crawl into a hole and hibernate, hoping that spring would bring about new feelings. I decided to drive on and 5 hours later I was at the hospital where they were keeping Andrew’s body alive for organ donation. My mother and I were the only ones who made the drive to the hospital where Andrew was. My father just had back surgery and couldn’t even get out of bed so my sisters decided to stay and comfort him.

Upon arrival they took me to the room where Andrew’s body was being kept alive. I remember being so scared. I didn’t know if I wanted this to be my last memory of him; plugged into machines with doctors standing around him. I asked if I could have a moment with Andrew. My hand was shaking so much. I grabbed his hand and I remember the Holy Spirit just overwhelming my body. Fear, anxiety, anger, they all melted away to a peace that surpasses understanding. Holding his hand I told Andrew I forgave him. I don’t know what part of him was left to hear me, but I know that God gave me that moment to see my brother for the last time, to pray over him, and to forgive him. On November 6th, 2004 Andrew’s brain shut down and he passed from this world to the next. It was my mother’s birthday.

My mother and I finally decided to leave the hospital to reunite our family at home. I had yet to see my father and sisters. I had not slept in 48 hours and had reached the point of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion. It was a warmer than usual fall day and I remember walking up the steps to the house, seeing my father sitting on the deck taking in the sun, still unable to move from his surgery. My dad smiled at me and we embraced. I felt like that young, scared child again who, when in the arms of his father could feel safe. As I sit back up, my father again said something I will never forget. He said, “son I have overwhelmingly felt a message from God, and it is— With This Death Will Come Life”. I didn’t know what to think. The emotional fog had overcast my ability to process any purpose at that moment.

I’m a very slow processor and so the next five years were spent in much emotional cloudiness. Living in emotional and spiritual isolation I started to rationalize the segmenting of my circumstances into the good and bad moments, believing that God blessed me during the good moments and punished me through the bad moments. Proverbs 18:1 speaks to the problems of isolation (Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.) Over the years, fear had coated my heart, even my very identity, causing spiritual arrested development and obedience based solely on myopic and observable outcomes.

Through additional trials God brought me to Watermark Church in 2009. It was there that I heard other believers talking openly about subjects that I had run from in fear. I heard about a program called celebrate recovery and decided I would bring a friend who had lots of “problems”. It was at that first meeting that I realized how broken I really was. The dam broke that night. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” The fear of change had finally given way to the unrest and avoidance of grief. C.S. Lewis puts it this way, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”.

For the first time I wasn’t so focused on the “why”, rather I began to focus on the “what”. What does God want? He wants my devotion, my worship, my faith in him, my identity, my very life. I was finally able to begin letting go of control, fear, and grief. Acts 17:27 says, “God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.” These past several years have looked so different as my perspective began to change. I still don’t have answers to all the why questions? I know that sin entered the world and with it came death (see James 1:15). But as I have continually focused on what God’s desire is for me, I have seen glimpses of his purpose.

Proverbs 2: 6-10 “For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth comes knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;”

As I look back at Gods providence, I can see that grief has shifted my perspective and positioning with Christ in a way that prosperity would not have allowed. We will all taste death eventually, but when we experience the death of a loved one we taste the mortality of this life. Grief in my life has, in part, peeled back the layers of selfish ambition, need for approval, and control. The things of this world that have burdened me to it seem less important in the wake of grief. 1 John 2:15-17 says, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.”

God has renewed relationships within my family and external family to new heights. I share the joys, triumphs, and burdens of my life with my parents and siblings with new vigor. Old feuds with other family seem unimportant when measured against the loss of life.

New life has sprung up as Andrew’s organs have given life to numerous people. Carrie got Andrew’s lungs and was able to run a 5k. She actually met her husband through the organ transplant process. His kidneys allowed a mother to see her two sons graduate and she can now live without being strapped to a dialysis machine. A father can have new sight with retinas that have been transplanted.

God has given my family a new empathy for death and through this an avenue to spread the gospel in ways they we never could before. Andrew’s best friend had started using drugs around the time Andrew died and his trajectory was much the same. But God used tragedy for his glory as this young man has now earned his Ph.D. in economics and is a beacon of spiritual light in the darkness of the university setting.

Lastly, losing the things that were closest to me has given me a whole new appreciation for what I have. Like a beautiful flower that could be crushed in your hand or awed on the stem, I hold loosely to that which is not mine. As the why’s have changed to what’s I realize that God has not cursed me and my family, rather God has blessed us with a new perspective on what it is to “truly live”. The verse I learned as a child has new meaning. John 3:16 – For God so love the world that he gave his only begotten son. That whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. We serve a God who knows what it feels like to lose a son. More than that we serve a God who would give up his son to be tortured and hung up to die in the most inhumane way possible and not just for the best of us but for the worst of us.

My father once wrote me: “The adversity of life is designed to shape us in a way that prosperity cannot. We never chose adversity, it is a divine gift. God allows it to come when and where it can do eternal good. We all have many questions when it comes…but no answers seem to come. Some answers we find as we are able to look back and see positive changes. Other answers await us. Knowledge comes from learning, but wisdom comes from experiences understood.”

Sometimes I long to have Andrew back as I weep when a wave of grief overwhelms my soul. But I celebrate with a new fervor the life that I am now aware of because of the world I lost. Joy and sorrow can coexist when swaddled in the in the gentle arms of God’s grace.

My wife and I recently had our last son, Thatcher. I feel the duplicity of emotions start to rise within me. My child will never know Andrew and this burdens me. But then joy strikes at the heart of this sorrow as I realize that my child will grow up with a dad who is not the man he was. God’s beautiful gift comes in the changes of perspective that springs new life into my precious family. No, my child will know Andrew– not in the way that I would have expected, but in the way that only a perfect God could have orchestrated. My children will know Andrew when they see a father who will not neglect the preciousness of every moment spent loving them, a father who recognizes the importance of a deep relationship with his children, and a father who emphatically points them to a savior that brings the promise of life eternal in the midst of a world full of pain and death.

Andrew was a surprise baby. My dad had a vasectomy the week Andrew was conceived. It seems his life would mirror this even to the end. His life became the surprise of change that grew through my family and has ultimately impacted the lives of so many.

An audio version of this story: [wonderplugin_video iframe=”https://youtu.be/pOywolLV-gw” videowidth=600 videoheight=400 keepaspectratio=1 videocss=”position:relative;display:block;background-color:#000;overflow:hidden;max-width:100%;margin:0 auto;” playbutton=”https://ebenezercollective.com/wp-content/plugins/wonderplugin-video-embed/engine/playvideo-64-64-0.png”%5D

WORSHIP – IS IT ALL JUST A SHOW?

“True worship is based on a right understanding of God’s nature and it is a right valuing of God’s worth.” -John Piper

I remember watching as my husband would gaze out at other members of the congregation during Sunday morning worship. He skeptically doubted whether their hearts were genuinely matching up with their words…or if it was all for show. He would glance at his watch throughout the worship time, and even sometimes suggested we go late and skip it all together. He was there for the sermons…to intellectually take in a thing or two that he could apply to his life. The worship time was just something he had to get through.

Years later, Sunday worship is now one of his favorite parts of the week. We make every attempt to be there early so we don’t miss it. I haven’t seen him look at his watch during a worship service in over a year. Why the sudden change? Is it better music or aesthetics?

No.

It’s simply due to a change of heart.

Over the past two years, God has slowly won his heart over and his worship is simply a response to that. Any act of worship starts at the heart – the unseen – and moves to a physical response – the seen.

In an interview on worship, Tim Keller stated, “I define worship as a private act, which has two parts; seeing what God is worth and giving Him what He’s worth…I ponder His worth and then do something about it – I give Him what He’s worth.”

Worship is a response to God’s worth. Thus, before we appropriately respond to God in worship, we must first recognize WHO He is to us.

Notice throughout Scripture, when worship, praise, or exaltation is taking place, the worshipper first states WHO God is…His name….His characteristics. Proclaiming who God is to them organically moves them into physical worship.

Exodus 15:2

The Lord is my strength and my song;

he has become my salvation.

This is my God, and I will praise him,

my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

1 Chronicles 16:29

Ascribe to the Lord the glory of his name;

bring an offering and come before him.

Worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness;

I could give countless more examples of this throughout Scripture, especially in David’s Psalms. The order is obvious: RECOGNIZE who He is, then RESPOND.

This is the nature of true worship; it starts on the inside, then moves to the outside. Once we have recognized who He is in our heart, our physical response will surface in one way or another. Worship can be singing as part of a congregation, praising God through the private act of journaling or prayer, or acting lovingly towards our neighbor. If it is done in response to your love and adoration for WHO God is, then it is indeed true worship – no matter what it looks like!

John Piper says, “Let’s start with the inner essence of worship and then work out to the more public expressions of worship services or daily acts of love.” This distinction between the inner essence of worship and the external expression of it is something Jesus speaks to in Matthew 15:8-9: “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.”

You can do as many kind deeds as you want and go to as many church services as you want; but you will never be worshiping if it is all external and nothing is happening in your heart toward God. You can’t be moved to a true and meaningful response without first recognizing God’s worth. Without the inner essence of worship, the public expression is in vain.

We are called to worship in spirit and in truth (1 Peter 2:5). By recognizing and proclaiming the TRUTH about God, we allow the SPIRIT to move our hearts to a true state of worship. Take some time this week to recognize who God is to you, specifically in the season you are currently in. What characteristics of God do you see Him displaying in your life right now? Write them down, circle them in your bible. If you need a good place to start, read Psalm 145, which states countless characteristics of God!

Thank God for WHO He is to you – and watch as your heart is organically moved to a state of true worship!

Lauren Scurry

ROOTED BY THE STREAM

Jamie Boettcher

As an active member in my church, and an avid writer, I was asked to join the “preaching team.” This was a small group of people – both clergy and lay – who took turns delivering the sermons. Our lead pastor called us his “bullpen.” After a short period of seeking discernment, I agreed to join the team. The adventure began by spending a weekend at a Lay Speaker retreat, where I received training, encouragement, and inspiration to live out this new calling.

Early into my new adventure, during a morning devotion, the words from Colossians caught my eye:
“As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” Colossians 2:6-7

The words were so alive, so descriptive. I like to take verses that strike me in this way and write them out creatively. I then hang this piece on my dresser, or place by my bedside and ponder it for a period of time. I don’t work on memorizing it, although memorization does often occur. I just meditate on the words, sometimes one at a time, sometimes in a few words at a time. I try to savor every morsel the verse has to offer. I found myself particularly drawn to the imagery of being “rooted and built up in Him.”

A few weeks into my meditation on this verse, I met with my new preaching team to plan out the fall sermon series. As I scrolled through the list of desired topics and corresponding scripture, my eyes stopped at Psalm 1:

“Happy are those

who do not follow the advice of the wicked,

or take the path that sinners tread,

or sit in the seat of scoffers;

but their delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law they meditate day and night.

They are like trees

planted by streams of water,

which yield their fruit in its season,

and their leaves do not wither.

In all that they do, they prosper.”
Psalm 1:1-3

Within the words of Psalm 1, I found new context to the Colossians verses that had been on my heart. Without hesitation, I volunteered for that date. And so, as my meditation on Psalm 1 began, my understanding of the Colossians verses deepened.

Just days later, I met with the leaders of the upcoming women’s retreat at my church. I had volunteered to lead one of the break-out sessions, and we were meeting to receive our assignments from the program leader. The handout was put before me: my session was based on Psalm 1. The program leader had no idea that I just recently agreed to preach on that same topic. This assignment had God’s fingerprints all over it! My delight intensified as I meditated on the Scripture and its application in each of the settings I would be speaking at, just one week apart from each other.

During the period of preparation for the sermon and women’s retreat, I attended a group painting event with some co-workers. At these events, an experienced painter walks everyone through the steps of creating a specific painting. Each person in the class makes the “same” painting, but the creations end up quite unique. The themes are often of beaches, sunsets, and flowers. The artist brought forth her model, and it was a tree. Not a group of trees, not a mountainside of trees, not a sunset with a tree outline. Just as single tree.

I believe that as I meditate and delight in a passage of Scripture, God sends me messages, moments, affirmations of my study, of His pleasure in my learning. During the two-hour event, I mediated on the words “rooted and built up in Him” as I completed each brush stroke. As I used my different senses and the creative side of my brain, my understanding of the Scriptures deepened even more.

When it came time to give the sermon and lead the women’s retreat session, I was able to share many revelations with my listeners. I was able to connect the characteristics of trees to our growth as Christians:

Roots grow where the resources of life are available.
Roots don’t actually grow toward water like many believe, instead they take root in places that offer life. As people, we too thrive when planted where the resources of life are available and we need to carefully consider our decision about where we plant.
Healthy trees have extensive root systems.
Think of a person in your life that has a robust, healthy spiritual life…what does his/her “root system” look like? Perhaps it is filled with daily bible time, deep prayer life, involvement in small groups? That would be an extensive root system.
The growth of a tree is an integrated phenomenon that depends on a proper balance and functioning of all parts of the tree.
As people, our spiritual, physical, emotional health are all connected. When one suffers, they all do.

The word “planted” is interchangeable with “replanted” or “transplanted”. In the Common English Bible translation and The Message translation, the word “replanted” is used in Psalm 1. Delight in the law of the Lord, and on His law meditate day and night, and become like trees REPLANTED by streams of water. This is a visual depiction of being born again, that is, being born in the Spirit.

When we choose to follow Jesus, we agree to pick up our roots and replant them by the stream of Living Water.

My tree painting hangs on the wall in my home. It reminds me of how God shows up in my life, as well as how He inspires me to dig deeper into His Word so that I remain rooted by the Stream.

*Read more from Jamie at her blog, OneWordFaith!

SCRIPTURE MEMORY – DON’T I HAVE ENOUGH STUFF TO REMEMBER?

If you’re anything like me, when you think about memorizing something your mind might go straight back to your days in school when teachers forced you to memorize all sorts of stuff you had no desire to actually remember. Memorization seems like a chore – not something you would actually choose to do as an adult with free will!!

It wasn’t until a few years ago, when I took a class at my church called Equipped Disciple, that I truly began to love and see the benefit of Scripture Memory. It was in this class that I was introduced to the Navigator’s Topical Memory System (TMS). The TMS is a packet of memory verses broken into simple subjects. Each verse is categorized and labeled with a topic; for example, the topic title for Romans 12:1 is “Obedience to Christ.” This greatly helps you recall the overall theme of what the verse is about. Having each verse tied to a basic truth helped me access that verse in my brain when I came across a situation or conversation where I needed specific Biblical guidance. Having an attainable goal with Scripture Memory, and one where I could see the benefit of what I was memorizing, empowered me, and actually really excited me!

In Joshua 1:8, before Joshua leads the Israelites into the Promised Land, God says to him, “This book of instruction must not depart from your mouth; you are to meditate on it day and night so that you may carefully observe everything written in it. For then you will prosper and succeed in whatever you do.” David writes in Psalm 119:11, “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”

As I added more verses to my memory bank, I began to realize that having God’s Word hidden in my heart so that I could recall a verse to mind when I needed it, was the best armor I could have in my daily life as a believer.

The Bible is filled with reasons to memorize Scripture. We are called to do it (Colossians 3:16), it renews our mind and transforms our lives (Romans 12:2), it helps us live in obedience (Psalm 119:9), it helps us encourage others (1 Peter 3:15), it teaches, rebukes, corrects, and trains us in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16-17)…and I could go on and on!

I’ve found that having some sort of accountability with Scripture Memory is the best way for me to be successful in accomplishing my goals. Recently, the girls in my community group have chosen to memorize scripture together. We rotate choosing a verse based on areas where we might be struggling or need guidance and then we all make a goal to have the verse memorized by a certain date. Knowing that we are all in it together helps me to stay committed!

Some other helpful methods that have helped me are writing and rewriting the verse in my journal or on random scraps of paper when I have a free moment, or using an app called “Scripture Typer.” I have also found that recording myself saying a passage one verse at a time using the “voice memos” feature in my phone and then listening to and repeating the verse when I’m in the car or on a walk, has helped me immensely in tackling longer verses…It sounds a little silly, but it really works!

My prayer for you is that the idea of Scripture Memory wouldn’t seem like a chore, or an item to check off your Christian to-do list; but that instead it becomes something that draws you closer to the Lord and brings you joy and satisfaction in your walk with Him here on Earth!

-Eleanor Boynton

Helpful Resources:

https://www.navigators.org/resource/topical-memory-system/

http://www.watermark.org/dallas/ministries/equipped-disciple

https://scripturetyper.com

THE FIGHT FOR MY HEART

Phoebe Grant

Shame was one of the first consequences for sin. One we were never meant to experience.

I knew shame. And I knew it well.

In high school, I struggled a lot with depression. It overwhelmed me at all hours of the day and night. I didn’t tell anyone of this depression because I felt really guilty about it. Thoughts filled my head,
“If you truly called yourself a Christian, why don’t you just get over it?”
“You are making too big a deal over nothing, other people have it way worse.”
“Why don’t you trust God more, then you’ll be fixed!”

The thoughts were never ending. One day in my junior year, I decided to stop trying to take them captive. God’s Word says, “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5) But instead, I just gave up. I specifically said out loud, “I’m done fighting this, I’m too weak. I have no fight left. Let them come.” I allowed the self-hatred to begin to flow through my mind.

It was around this time that my struggle with self-harm began. I hated every fiber of my being, I thought I was a complete disappointment. My shame spiked whenever I made a mistake or hurt someone with my words. I held myself to a standard of perfection, and when I didn’t meet it, I needed a punishment and found an outlet through cutting, pinching, and intentionally bruising my body. I would cut, then feel shame, then want to cut again because of the shame. The cycle was debilitating. I was disgusted with myself. I thought the Lord was completely done with me. I had trusted the Lord for my salvation when I was a small child, but that felt so long ago. I had no idea who I was in Christ – I viewed myself as a mistake.

By God’s miraculous grace, I was working a job that put me in connection with the church I now call my home. I started listening to the sermons online and it changed my world. The first sermon I heard was on abiding with Christ. I had no knowledge of this God who wanted to abide with me. I had been taught and had come to believe that He followed me around with a checklist, making a mark for every time I sinned. I thought He was so disappointed with me. I thought I could never approach Him in my broken state, with all my scars. But the pastor spoke from John 15, “Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.” (John 15:3-4)

I cried the first time I heard this. The Lord wanted me. I had never felt loved before.

Growing up, I was told many lies about my identity. I had believed the lie that I was truly worthless. I thought I needed to approach God cleaned up and perfect. There were layers and layers of lies I had to unravel and I am still unraveling them today. I spent so many Sundays in worship just crying.

I had been found.

I was the lost sheep, and Jesus regarded me with such high value that He went after me and rescued me from the miry pit. He delighted in me. (2 Samuel 22:20)

A little while later, the Lord led me to a recovery ministry called, Re:Generation, held at my home church in Dallas. It was there I found a safe space to get to the root of the fears, harms, and lies I was believing. I got to the root of my sin and shame: pride, numbing my emotions, and not wanting to trust that God is ultimately for me. I had deep-hearted issues that I numbed with unhealthy coping mechanisms. I also had a deep-hearted distrust in God. But in that revelation, I found the Lord there with me. He wasn’t afraid of my sin and disbelief, but He entered into it with me. Jesus died for my sin and my shame. I found that the Lord God of the Universe wanted a relationship with me. I confessed my fears and sin, including the self-harm. I confessed that I knew all the facts about God, but the relationship wasn’t there. In an act of faith, I started to surrender my life to the Lord daily, and made a declaration that I wanted to trust Him in this life, not just in eternity.

The Lord changed me. I am a redefined, redeemed, and renewed – a daughter of the King. It is the best place of all! My identity is in Christ and that will never change. “He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.” (Psalm 62:6)

Today, I still have to work to take the thoughts captive. I am an active participant in the fight for my heart – it is a battle, but one the Lord fights with me. He will never leave me to fend for myself. He is my Good Shepherd. He wants my heart, all of it, broken and torn. It was never about knowledge or keeping up a good show.

He wanted me and accepted me all along.

“For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

Psalm 51:16-17

FELLOWSHIP – IS IT REALLY WORTH THE EFFORT?

Can you think back to the last time you were sitting with a group of friends who know Jesus personally? Perhaps some were sharing about hardships, while others were rejoicing in answered prayers. Some may have been offering words of encouragement, while others listened intently, with prayer emerging within conversations. That was fellowship.

What about the time you were with the same group and conflict was brought up? Tears were shed, confession was made, grace overflowed, and forgiveness was extended. That was also fellowship.

Fellowship is a relationship. A mutually beneficial connection between people with a common interest. It is a place where we allow the Lord to help us as we live authentically before Him and each other.

The goal of fellowship is to bring about the transformation and sharpening of His people, so that we can become more like Christ by knowing the fullness of His love for us and through us! When we can extend that supernatural grace, serving and praying for others selflessly, we are an extension of our good Father. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)

Here are the benefits of Christian fellowship: Being known, encouraged, prayed for, loved, accepted, held accountable to living out our faith, extending and experiencing grace and forgiveness. We have the privilege of pouring out God’s love, grace, and forgiveness to others and sharing what we know and have experienced in our own relationship with God. In community, biblical fellowship allows us to glorify our good Father.

What’s not to love? Well, if you felt a little queasy when I said, “fully known,” this part is for you. Being known is what Jesus wants for you. He wants to know you fully. He wants you to find trustworthy people to share your struggles with and to be encouraged by. We were never made to struggle alone or to figure out all of this craziness on our own. In Genesis, we can see that God created us for relationship – with Him and with others. Hebrews 10 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:24-25)

John tells us, “If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” (1 John 1:6-7) If we are continually walking in the light with others, the enemy can not keep us trapped in the darkness. We create a shared experience with others when we are open and vulnerable. Through this, we experience the freedom that comes from exchanging our shame and guilt for acceptance and encouragement. As we live in the light and connect with others, we create a safe place to share and to be fully known. Freedom unfolds and relationships flourish from confession and walking in the light.

Biblical fellowship is built on trust which is earned over time through sharing our struggles, seeking to know one another’s hearts, responding gently in love, and accepting each other in spite of our sins and failures. In this way we get to model Jesus. John tells us, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

How can we do this? Fellowship happens by living in reality; not acting the way we want others to view us, but allowing our true self to be seen, known, and accepted. “Now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common” (Acts 4:32). “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree together, so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be united in mind and conviction” (1 Cor 1:10).

When fellowship gets hard, and conflict arises, we still follow the same plan. Love one another. Speak truth. Extend grace and forgive. Explore what was said or done and truly seek mutual understanding without judgement. If Jesus is truly the commonality between us, then we will be able to come to a place of reconciliation. It may take work, it may take time. But it is worth it.

Ask yourself, are you seeing your fellow believers the way that God does? John says, “But to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God. All of us are children of God.” (John 1:12) Paul writes, “So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God.” (Ephesians 2:19)

How can we start doing this now?

Pursue the Lord daily! Get to know Jesus, by reading His Word and asking Him to reveal Himself to you, talking to Him daily, pouring out your heart to Him. The more you get to know Jesus, the more you will know His heart for His people. If you don’t know how to love, extend grace, or forgive, then seek to know the heart of the One Who has paid it all for you.

Pursue your friends, the community of believers around you. Jesus, when asked which was the greatest commandment, said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Luke 10:27)

Devote yourself to others. Seek to maintain fellowship through vulnerability, encouragement, grace, and truth.

“For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:20

Amy Merritt

DARING TO HOPE

Jessica Brown

We began trying for children 6 years ago in October 2009. Due to a rare genetic disorder that my husband carried, we anticipated loss due to family history. From May 2010 through February 2012, we experienced 3 losses. They were all between 3-6 weeks, before heartbeats were detectable. We kept trusting the Lord even though it was really hard. I battled bitter feelings as friends of mine were getting pregnant left and right. It was a challenging time because, while we knew what the Bible says about the faithfulness of God, we were not seeing our prayers answered in ways we expected.

We tried fertility doctors, seeking further answers, but were just met with more uncertainty. Because of my husband’s genetic disorder, every physician we spoke with wrote our issues off and gave us very few options for a successful pregnancy. After taking a break and trusting in God’s provision, we experienced our 4th loss. The Lord used this pregnancy to bring us closer together in our marriage and in Him.

After this loss, we began to look long and hard for “the best doctor in town” and we were blessed with a surprise pregnancy. We listened to Abigail Jewel’s heartbeat – the first we had ever heard after 4 1/2 years of nothing. It was joyous! We did an early genetic test and were told that she didn’t have anything my husband had. What could go wrong, right?

Around 19 weeks my water broke. At the hospital we were told there was no heartbeat.

The “best doctor” said to us, “These things just happen.” Seriously?!? She was perfectly normal. She was our 5th miscarriage and “these things just happen?!?” We were devastated. It was the worst thing we had ever gone through.

I had come to terms with being joyful for others who became pregnant, wanting to celebrate the life of their child and not wanting to be like the enemy and steal any of their joy – but this was the worst thing I had ever experienced. No one should ever have to bury their own children. Yet, through it all, I knew that God was good and I knew that He was faithful because we had so much miraculously provided for us during this time. Our takeaway?

We are not forgotten.

We both had a hard time with the prospect of trying again. We told the Lord that He would have to basically come down from Heaven and tell us to try again naturally, or we weren’t going to do it at all. Well, He did just that. Someone we just met gave us a word that said go back to the original promise with our children. She didn’t know we had adoption paperwork filled out and we were going to mail them off the next week. We knew exactly what He meant by this word of knowledge – natural children. The first time we stopped preventing we got pregnant. We thought, this is the ticket!

We got a new doctor (again) who came highly recommended by several friends and she was going to be more proactive in caring for us. She got us on various supplements as a precaution and we went forward with hope. However, shortly after our first ultrasound, we miscarried Joanna Grace. She was about seven weeks along. We didn’t know what the Lord wanted to do from this, but we weren’t going to take it for granted. Dr. Rice was willing to do genetic testing on Joanna and myself to find out the root cause. Through a series of blood draws, we found out that I have mutation in an enzyme called MTHFR. This mutation severely hinders my ability to process folate well which is important nutritionally for cell and DNA multiplication. We also found out that, like Abby, Joanna was perfectly normal genetically. We started supplementing appropriately for the MTHFR for about a month and were able to get pregnant shortly after that.

While we are unsure of all of the answers – the why’s and how’s and such which we will never know in this life – we are assured of one thing now more than ever: we cannot hope in things on this earth to bring us satisfaction or life, not even the “experts” at life. We do not deserve the breath in our lungs, yet we are privileged to live. Our purpose in life is to serve the One Who created us and to love Him in every way He desires. He is next to us in every painful moment in this imperfect world and wants to comfort us, if we only chose to allow Him.

In Abby’s service, we had Lamentations 3:16-26 read. It is a beautiful passage and I hope you get a chance to read it, but one part I love says, “Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.” We came out of this season trusting more than ever that our hope is not based in our dream to have children one day, our financial stability, or even in each other, but it is in Him Who will be there for us and love us now and forever more.

Through our deep desire for children, and a journey that has brought us much grief, we have come to realize that this is not the focus of our lives. We must trust the One Who is unchanging, unflinching, and unwavering in His steadfast love toward us and fix our hearts upon Him. The greatest commandment wasn’t written to be a rule, it was meant to be a blessing to draw us into a more secure place with Him. (Matthew 22:36-40)

We implore you to challenge yourself in your faith in Jesus, to have nothing else above Him in your lives. Ask Him what you are giving your time and energy to and if you are putting it in a place in your life above Him. Listen to what He has to say and obey it. He loves it when we do that!

We were blessed and thankful to welcome our daughter, Alexia Hope, into this world in August of 2015.

And just 15 short months later in November 2016, we welcomed her brother, Gideon.

We are thankful for the journey the Lord has brought us on and hope that through our story we can bring the Hope of Christ to others!

PRAYER – IS IT REALLY POWERFUL?

I’ve heard it said, “prayer is powerful,” but if I’m honest, that hasn’t always been my experience. For years, I was consistent in prayer throughout my day, but I rarely saw answers. At times, I wondered if my prayers were making any difference. I unconsciously blamed the lack of results on God, and my prayers became weak and void of emotion. I was most commonly asking for help, comfort, ease, and good outcomes.

God was more like a good luck charm for me than anything else.

The flaws in my thinking became evident to me as I started to study the Bible on my own. Not a devotional, but the actual Bible. With pen, highlighter, and journal in hand, I started to hear God speak. He began to reveal to me the reason for those years of unanswered prayers.

I was surprised to learn that there are certain attitudes and actions required on our part in order to receive what we ask for in prayer. There are conditions to effective prayer. James warns: “when you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” (James 4:3)

The condition of the praying heart is the determining factor in the effectiveness of the prayer. Jesus preached repentance for the forgiveness of sins. That is turning from our old ways, and toward Him in obedience. When our hearts are still following our own desires, tangled up in sin, it wouldn’t be loving for God to grant us our requests, as they would only draw us further down the path to destruction. The Psalmist says it this way: “If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.” (Psalm 66:18)

“I believe our problem is that we have been trying to substitute praying for obeying; and it simply will not work.” – A.W. Tozer

Because our hearts are prone to wander, obedience isn’t a one-time decision, but a minute-by-minute commitment. Continually ask the Lord to search your heart, and reveal to you any areas that aren’t willing to follow Him completely. That is a prayer He will answer.

Hebrews 10:22 says, “let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” When a wandering heart turns toward God, its desires start to change. Instead of asking for comfort and safety, we will ask to know Him more. Instead of giving God a to-do list, we will have a two-way conversation with our loving Father.

Prayer must first change the person, but a changed person’s prayers can change anything. “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” (John 15:7)

Unfortunately, this does not mean the answers to all of our prayers will be answered with an immediate “yes!” Paul prayed for the “thorn in his flesh” to be removed, and as far as we know, it never was. Jesus prayed that the cup would pass from Him, but it did not. He followed through with obedience despite the pain and suffering his mission caused Him. But if we follow Jesus’ example and pray that God’s will be done, it will be done.

So let’s be honest and admit that not every prayer is powerful. But we would do well to ask God to give us hearts in submission to Him, because “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16)

Questions to think about:

What is the content of my typical prayers?
Am I trying to substitute praying for obeying?
Ask God if there’s anything you might need to repent from in order to align your heart with His will.

Amanda Buccola

BEAUTIFUL, BROKEN DREAMS

Kirsten Skov

It’s been two years since I lost my wedding day.

An unexpected decision, about a month before my fiancé and I planned to get married, led me into a whirlwind of hurt, unending questions, and a lengthy depression. I want to share my story with you…but not out of blame, or accusation, or anger. I want to tell you about the mess that God turned into a miracle; about the gentle, all-knowing Father that He is, and how God has radically changed the way I view myself and Him. My prayer is that God will speak to you through my circumstances, as He did for me.

I moved to Florida in the late summer of 2015, excited and nervous to start my post grad life as a future wife, new nurse, and young adult. While I was eager to jump right in and get started, I was not truly ready for the transition. I quickly became very anxious and depressed; I was planning a wedding over the phone with my mom in Georgia, my first nursing job was way more stressful than I had expected, and I didn’t try very hard to find a community of friends in my new city. Looking back on it now, I can clearly see my biggest mistake: I had placed my identity – who I was, and how I saw myself – in my relationship with my fiancé, rather than in my relationship with Christ.

We had found the perfect venue, the invitations had been sent out, and my last dress fitting was quickly approaching. However, after spending that Thanksgiving with my family, I came back to Florida to a decision that was out of my control, a decision that absolutely wrecked the identity I had been building for the last two years. My fiancé had suddenly decided that we shouldn’t get married in the next month – that we should cancel the wedding, and that we needed at least six months with no communication in order to heal.

As you can imagine, this decision brought me a great deal of heartbreak. The pain I felt was something I had never experienced before. I felt betrayed. Unlovable. Rejected. Forgotten. Abandoned. I didn’t understand why he made this decision which only added to my hurt. My world and future had been flipped upside down, and for months I struggled with how to cope. I decided to quit my job, and my parents moved me back to Georgia over Christmas. My depression grew worse, and while I had a great support system of family and friends around me, I easily fell prey to Satan’s lies.

These lies cunningly worked to convince me of many things: that I would never find love again; that my behavior had gone past the point of redemption; that I was worthless, a failure, and destined to be tainted with the mark of rejection.

Satan will whisper anything into your ear to make you believe that there is no hope for you. And the devastating part is that, in this world we live in, it is so much easier to fall prey to the enemy’s lies than to listen to the truth of the Father. We are constantly bombarded with the pressure to be successful, to be the best of the best, to be the most beautiful, to be established and to be admired.

What a joy it is, then, to be able to open the living, breathing, true Word of God and learn that the world has it all wrong! That it is the poor, the meek, and the humble who will inherit the kingdom of God. That Jesus declared those who were willing to lose their lives for Him would find it. That we can store up treasures in heaven and be crowned with the crown of everlasting life.

I thought that losing my future husband and my dream wedding day would be the end of my chances at a happy and fulfilled life. I had placed my identity, my hopes and my dreams in a future with a man. But God, being ever faithful, gently reminded me just how sovereign He is. Just how truly good He is. On the night of my cancelled wedding, as I was weeping over my loss, mourning my broken dreams, and shaking my fist at my circumstances, He was holding me, smiling because He knew the blessing of a future He had for me.

I clearly remember sitting on my bed that night in Florida, teary eyed and frantic, pouring through the Bible, desperate for some hope or a sign that my fiancé would come back in the morning and tell me he changed his mind. But suddenly, out of nowhere, God gently whispered the words, “Wait and trust Me.” (Isaiah 64:4). I will never forget that moment. And He continued to whisper these words as I slept. Though I didn’t know it yet, these whispers were just the beginning of God working to unravel my heart, drawing me in to know Him more deeply.

I thought I had lost everything, but in reality I gained everything. I gained what I needed most: a renewed relationship, dependence and desire to be close to my heavenly Father, and a testimony to share.

“Since ancient times no one has heard,

no ear has perceived,

no eye has seen any God besides you,

who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.”

Isaiah 64:4

From that point on, God worked quickly and very evidently to take care of my heart. Various people from different walks of my life started speaking the same exact scriptures over me – even in the same day! God blew me away when He used the song I had planned to walk down the aisle to, The Door in the Air from The Chronicles of Narnia, to encourage me to pursue and walk down the aisle towards Jesus, reminding me of my true identity as a daughter of the King (that’s a whole other story!). God gave my family the opportunity to host an event supporting a family who had been trying for adopt four girls from Haiti for years. God blessed the evening that would’ve been my wedding night, and now those girls are here at home in Georgia with their new family!

My healing process was slow and grueling, and, if I’m honest, it’s still evolving. I’m thankful for a great set of parents, trusted friends, and a fabulous counselor – all who have helped me tremendously over these last two years. God has taken a broken dream and made beauty from the ashes. He introduced me to my church community who have become my best friends, He has brought me to a job where I get to help bring babies into the world, and He helped me find and adopt the happiest cat I’ve ever met, Bingley.

My wedding never happened. The boxes of decorations were packed up, the guests were informed, the vendors were notified to cancel, and my dress was zipped away into a bag and hung in the back of my closet.

The wedding never was, but I serve a Saviour Who Ever Is.

He is sovereign. He is loving. He is victorious! He is MORE – He is abundantly more than any fleeting and temporary pleasure the world can offer. He is more than a broken relationship, more than an unfulfilled dream, more than comfortable circumstances, financial security and social acceptance. He is with us, He listens to us, and He shows us joy when we choose to wallow in sorrow. He truly does abundantly more than we can ask or imagine. He is satisfying, and enough, and perfect, and full of grace – despite our defiance.

If you have been through any type of heartbreak, my prayer for you is that you do not get caught up in a whimsical earthly romance and forget the true Romancer of your heart. Do not set expectations on another person that only our Heavenly Father can fulfill. Guard your heart as you enter into relationships, bring your desires to His feet and ask Him to guide you. Remember whose you are. Fight the temptation to desire comfortable circumstances over the desire to truly follow Jesus. No matter what you’ve lost, allow yourself to feel the pain, to grieve, and to sit on the bathroom floor and cry. Give yourself grace for the hard days that seem endless. And hold on to the hope that we are freely given through Christ.

He has already met our deepest need through the cross.

The beautiful thing is that this hope, joy, and freedom are always accessible to us. He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow; and while our circumstances may change, while suffering may grip us and make us feel hopeless, He is still standing right by our side, hand on our shoulder, smiling because He knows the answer to all mysteries, and He’s whispering, “Trust me.”

THE SPIRITUAL RHYTHMS OF GOD – FINDING OUR WAY BACK TO THE GARDEN

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth…” Genesis 1:1

It’s often hard to imagine in our fallen world that there was a time when everything was perfect. The curse of sin had not yet brought about death and destruction, chaos and unrest. Instead, God’s creation was in perfect order in the perfect Garden He had created.

God created…and He saw that it was good.

And in that seemingly short period of history, humanity – Adam and Eve – walked in complete, uninhibited fellowship with their Creator – and their greatest joy was just to be with God.

Until it wasn’t.

Until they were tricked into believing that perhaps there was more than God – perhaps they could be like God.

And we all know how that story ends. (If not, check out Genesis 2-3!)

But since that fateful day, God has been working to draw us back into fellowship with Himself. He sent judges, kings, and prophets, and finally, His own Son, to show us the way back to Him. When we really study the scriptures, seeing the whole story of God’s masterfully woven plan playing out, we can see that God is, and has always been, after our hearts. He wants a relationship with us.

When we put our faith in Christ, our sins are atoned for, our debt is paid, and we will live with Him in eternal fellowship. Yet right now, in our fallen broken world, we can experience deeper fellowship with God through the practice of spiritual disciplines – or as we will be calling them, Spiritual Rhythms. Webster’s dictionary defines rhythm as “a regularly recurring sequence of events, actions, or processes.” As we look at the world God created, isn’t that just what we see? Day turns into night and night into day. Spring becomes summer, summer turns to fall, and after fall we have the stillness of winter, only to be followed again by the vibrancy and beauty of spring. It’s clear from creation that our God is a God of order. He designed things to run, and function, and develop, and progress according to His plan and His purpose. Paul writes to the Corinthians that “God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” (1 Corinthians 14:33)

So whether we are increasing our fervency and frequency in prayer, challenging ourselves to expand our memory bank of scriptures, learning about what it means to study to show ourselves approved, or discovering the peace of solitude, or the joy of fellowship, these “regularly recurring actions” become personal pursuits of holiness – of set apartness. The Lord says, “Be holy as I am holy.” (Leviticus 20:26, 1 Peter 1:16) Living set apart lives increases our intimacy and likeness to Christ, while allowing others to observe our set apart ways and perhaps desire to know more about the God we love and serve.

As we dive into some of these Spiritual Rhythms over the next several months, our prayer is not that you would feel obligated to add “another thing” to your to do list, but that you would perhaps be encouraged and spurred on to pursue and experience God in new ways that will deepen your fellowship with Him. As King David nears the end of his life, he says to his son Solomon, “As for you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father. Serve him wholeheartedly and with desire in your being; for the LORD searches all hearts and understands all the inclinations of people’s thoughts. If you seek him, he will let himself be found by you…” (1 Chronicles 28:9)

So let us know, let us strive to know the Lord – draw near to God and He will draw near to you! (Hosea 6:3 & James 4:8)

Jenni Norsworthy