Ebenezer Collective

THE COST OF DEATH AND LIFE

Elise Hurd

I lay there, bleeding. I held the heating pad against my cramping womb as the final evidence of the little life that had been drained slowly from me. I stared at the white tiled ceiling and did not cry. Not one single tear. My lack of emotion went beyond apathy. Death had physically, spiritually, and emotionally entered my body.

I had chosen this. Paid for this.

I had paid in full—but the cost was only beginning.

The thin curtains that separated my bed from the others in the room did not muffle the soft sobbing I heard. Sometimes the most soul-piercing sounds are barely audible. I don’t know how many other girls lay in the beds lining the walls of the small, cold room. Maybe six? Eight? Several more were in the lobby. Filling out paperwork and waiting their turns for chemicals or a curette to separate them from the life that was clinging, trying to develop inside of them.

The lucky ones would swallow pills to dull their pain. I could not. I had never been able to swallow medicine, no matter how tiny. Even knowing the surgery before me, my brain could not force an exception. My throat refused to pass down any dulling comfort. And because I had driven myself to the clinic, intravenous sedation was not an option. I would experience the removal of my first baby completely sober, alert, sensitive. Alone.

I remember the concern etched on the nurses’ faces. I had no idea what the surgery would be like, I only knew the end result. Still, I assured them I would be fine. One of them went in the room with me. She stood by my bed the whole time, and held my hand when the tugging began and my face twitched with pain. I kept my eyes fixed on the ceiling. One warm tear rolled straight back, down my temple, to my hairline. The nurse squeezed my hand. She told me it would be okay, that it would all be over soon. I remember thinking I didn’t care that it hurt. That it should hurt me. I wanted it to hurt me.

The metal was cold. I could feel the ripping. The forcing my womb to let go of what it was designed to carry. Then it was over. I was given a pad and moved to a wheelchair. Rolled into a room with other girls. We didn’t make eye contact with each other. I was helped onto the bed, given a heating pad, and told if I wasn’t bleeding too much in an hour then I’d be free to go.

I stared at the ceiling, at the time on my cell phone, and waited for my hour to be up.

Even though there was some noise, the room felt heavy with silence in a way I’d never known.
Death has a silence to it that sucks all the sounds away and somehow makes them vanish in the weight of what has happened.

I was approved to leave. My baby was gone. I could walk away now. “Free” to go.

I walked past a life-sized Margaret Sanger cutout in the lobby on my way out. I saw the girls in the waiting room, and I knew this: Whether or not anyone knew the fullness of what she was doing before she had her abortion—she knew after. You cannot kill your own baby and not be deeply affected. You do not walk away from that experience the same woman.

I was already planning to tell my best friend (the only person who knew about my baby) how fine I was, that I did not regret my decision. And with my broken perception of reality, I almost convinced myself that was true. But I did not realize a first stage of grief is denial. In complete denial, I walked to my car and calmly thought about how I could flip it or drive it off the road on the way home. But I didn’t want to hurt anyone else, so maybe a car wreck wasn’t the best way to end my life. I began thinking through scenarios for suicide that wouldn’t harm or traumatize anyone else. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had paid for death to enter me, and it had. My obsession with death had begun.

* * *

I crouched in the dirty bathroom stall of a big box store, staring hard at the two pink lines that were forming. I shook my head in disbelief. I threw the positive pregnancy test in the trash and stepped out to the rust-stained sink. As I washed my hands I determined to wash away the whole situation. I thought, God, why did you allow this? You knew what I would do…

I pulled out my cell phone and dialed. I could hear my voice robotically agreeing with the receptionist about a date, time, and the cost. I was on the schedule for another abortion. At the same clinic I’d sworn to myself I would never step foot in again.

My plan was to not think about it. Keeping the baby was out of the question. I wasn’t sure who the father was, but there was a solid chance the baby wasn’t my current boyfriend’s child. I would have to tell the truth, and face the fallout. I knew I would lose him. I knew I would also lose my decade-long professional modeling career and have to move back home with my parents. I would be a single mom. College would never happen. The alcohol and drugs in my system would have already damaged the baby anyway, right? And what kind of an example would I be for my seven younger siblings?

I never wanted to make this choice again. But it had to be.

Now, I just had to not think about the impending abortion appointment for one very long week.

My phone rang. It was my dad. He asked me if I could meet him and Mom for dinner while I was in town over the weekend. He said they’d like to talk with me. Dinner dates with my parents were not the norm. I knew there must be something specific they wanted to talk with me about. I did not want to talk about my life, but I could hear my voice agreeing with him about a date, time, and place to meet. He let me know they would pay whatever it cost.

A couple of days later as I drove the boring four hours to the Houston area, a nervous, sickly feeling grew in my stomach. I ignored it. I turned the music up and drove too fast.

At the restaurant we all smiled an awkward greeting to each other and sat down. Dad talked easily. Mom remained pretty quiet. I ate too much French bread to stuff down my rising nerves. It didn’t take long before Dad came to the point for this dinner meeting. He wanted me to know that they were there for me if I needed anything. He wanted me to know that they loved me, no matter what. And then he asked me point blank if I had anything I wanted to share with them.

I felt raw and exposed. I tried to casually dip my bread in olive oil and Italian herbs. Was I shaking on the outside or only on the inside? I reasoned there was no way they knew about my scheduled abortion. I thought they couldn’t even know for sure that I wasn’t a virgin. But here they sat, looking straight at me, and I knew that, somehow, they knew.

It was utterly unsettling.

(Later I would learn that my mom faithfully prayed for me. During one of her prayer times, she felt the Holy Spirit impress upon her clearly: Elise is pregnant and she is considering an abortion. So she told my dad, and they scheduled dinner to express their love and support to me. They were clearly offering me a way out.)

I wiped my mouth and told them everything was fine. We finished dinner. The moment I was in my car alone, a silent scream began forming behind my calm exterior. I couldn’t drive. I felt seen. Watched. Cornered. God knew what I was planning. And He wanted this baby to live. He was looking me straight in the eyes, though I refused to look up. He was offering me a way out.

No. I would not accept this new life.

I called my best friend and explained my new plan: to get high on drugs that would be bad for the baby, because I needed to force myself go through with this abortion. And if I did those drugs, I’d definitely go through with it—intentionally having a baby with defects wouldn’t be something a good mom would do. Right?

Pretty models acquire drugs easily. In the year since my first abortion, I’d learned how to swallow pills. This plan was going to work.

But instead of entering a happy place of drug-induced euphoria, I entered a spiritual wrestling match with God that I could not escape. I tried to kill myself to escape thinking about the baby, but He thwarted my every attempt. All night long, we wrestled.

Finally, exhausted and sober in the morning light, I began to talk with my friend about the option of keeping the child. I knew that saying yes to this baby meant saying yes to God. Yes to a completely different life, a different me. After several hours, I finally said it out loud: “Ok. I’m going to do it. I’m going to keep this baby.” Immediately the words “Hope” and “Reason” entered my mind. I knew God had spoken to me, but I had no idea what He meant.

I could not have imagined how He’d unpack those two powerful words for me over the next twelve years, through single motherhood, marriage, four more kids, and ministry.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but Jesus had paid for life to enter me, and it had. My relationship with Life had begun.

SHATTERING LIES TO DISCOVER A NEW IDENTITY

Genie Lopez

I’m the youngest child of two full-time, ministry-serving parents. My siblings and I teased each other a lot growing up, so I didn’t cringe much at my nickname, “the accident.” I’d even smile when letting others in on our sad inside joke – I was not supposed to exist.

My parents’ lives and home were full from the start. Married, ordained, and sent off to start a ministry, their newlywed years were a whirlwind. In addition, my dad entered their union with three teen children he saw very little of, and my mother with an elementary-aged son of her own. Together they had my brother and sister. The family was complete, or so they thought. They made an effort medically to prevent pregnancy after my sister was born, but found themselves expecting again shortly before her first birthday.

The fact that I was a surprise never bothered me. I think it was more the air of inconvenience I sensed. I couldn’t ask for much of anything without feeling like I was a bother. I tried to be more like my sister, but failed every time. She was quiet, I was loud. She was calm, I was hyper. She shrunk back when challenged, I dove head first, literally, into many dares. I also longed to be like my older brother, Danny. He was obedient and compliant. I, on the other hand, pushed and kicked almost every boundary set before me. He was affectionate with close family and friends; I gave courtesy pats in lieu of kisses and hugs. To top it off, my tomboy adventures wreaked havoc on my parents’ peace of mind and finances. They paid out more in emergency medical care for me than my siblings combined.

I truly believed I was their biggest problem in life. The nickname I thought never bothered me apparently did. It provided fertile soil for a deadly lie to take root within me that said, “You do not matter.” It was with that lie in mind that I grabbed a handful of painkillers and gulped them down with a tall glass of water. I was only thirteen. Thankfully the pills came up just as quickly as I swallowed them. No one in my family ever knew I made an attempt to take my life that day. I survived, but unfortunately so did the lies within me.

I grew up, but the ache inside never dulled. Every time I thought I made progress, a huge life event turned me upside down. This was especially true when my brother died suddenly. Someone took his life in an attempt to rob him. I begged God to let me die. I could not understand why “Genie the accident” was still alive while Danny, the one with so much promise and purpose, was gone.

Soon after his death, I married one of his close friends and we started a family right away. I put off seeking help for the trauma in my life, throwing all my energy into a new identity I loved – Mother. I kept busy with my kids’ events and household tasks. I thought that by investing all I had into them, I’d have purpose, and they’d have the life I never had. Instead, the seams were bursting and my family felt the weight of my codependence. Loving them wasn’t wrong; not loving myself was.

My identity was not firmly rooted in Christ. It required the praise, acceptance and affection of people to stay afloat. When I didn’t get that, I’d fall apart. If someone didn’t like me, believe me, or if they spoke ill of me, I did everything I could to “fix” the situation or shut them out. The lies of my childhood drove me more than I realized. I was out to prove I had value. I tried to please everyone around me while keeping a tight lid on my thoughts and where they led me. I maneuvered situations and relationships that should have been surrendered to the Lord. I didn’t think He saw me. I didn’t think He cared. Nothing in me could believe I mattered.

Exhausted and disappointed, I did what I should’ve done decades before, relinquished control. I landed at my church’s recovery ministry called re:generation. I wasn’t quite sure what recovery meant, but I knew the life I led on my own was not working. Relationships with my children were strained. I was so blinded by my own pain, I couldn’t see theirs. Both of my girls already had daughters of their own by then. I wanted to understand what I was carrying so that I didn’t pass the bag of hurt on to the next generation. Furthermore, my relationship with my husband of twenty plus years was hanging on by a thread. He has a story all his own, but suffice to say his pain collided with mine. We were a home in secret turmoil. I literally had nothing to lose, so I dug in and committed to every aspect of the program. That was several years ago.

Today, my life looks very different. I don’t need people’s approval or affirmation to feel whole or sure of myself. When there’s an attack on my character or motives, I walk away or pray for the words to communicate clearly without anger. Anyone that knows me can tell you I do not execute all of this perfectly. I need His people and His Word to remind me Whose I am.

Isolating is still a temptation of mine, but I remember where that’s taken me and pray for the strength to reach out before I land at the bottom of an emotional well all alone. I never thought God could use all of the ups, downs, twists and turns in my life but He has. Now I have the privilege of leading women through the very same ministry that helped me. I get to tell them what I’ve experienced in my walk with God. I’ve learned that on the other side of a waning faith is a renewed understanding of God’s sovereignty. On the other side of shattered identity is belonging and acceptance.

I have a new nickname now. It is Genie, “Daughter of the King.”

White Collar Criminal Spared From Death

Jeff Parker

Proverbs 21:6 – “The acquisition of treasures by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor, the pursuit of death.”

I am a white collar criminal.

Most of my professional career was spent helping a great company grow its impact in spreading the Gospel through video. I worked at this company for nearly 11 years after becoming its first hire. I loved working there, and yet, I made some devastating decisions that hurt both myself and the company. Personally, I was ensnared in gambling and had given my heart over to that sin. The worst part of this dizzying sin spiral is that I regrettably and shamefully committed various significant financial indiscretions ranging from inappropriate use of the company credit card to fraudulent check writing. For 7 long years, I lied, stole, manipulated, schemed, and deceived my company, friends, and family.

I became a shell of the man I desired to be and was nothing like the godly man that God intended. This path most definitely led to my death, namely spiritual death.

2 Corinthians 7:10 – “For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.”

This seven year wandering started in 2008 when I turned 30, yet it was partially a result of never fully dealing with the effects of my past sin. Left unchecked, these past mistakes produced lingering guilt and shame. Thinking myself unable to crack the cycle, I instead gave in to the cycle. I was sorry for the devastation sin had wreaked in my life, but as the verse implies, I did not let God into my sorrow. So the cycles would only grow worse and worse. Before long, I was stuck in a Psalm 40:2 pit of destruction, with seemingly no hope for help.

Finally, when I had had enough, I cried out to God. He heard my cry and paved the way to set me free (Psalm 102:20). Though I had started following Christ at age 13, I had long left His Proverbs 12:28 path, and felt the clutches of death for veering from the way He intends life to be lived.

Luckily, God is a God of deliverances. And to Him, belong escapes from death into glorious life (Psalm 68:20).

As I say now, I am still sorrowful for what I did during these 7 years. But now, instead of letting that sorrow lead to further sin in efforts to numb my personal pain, the Spirit uses that pain to drive me back to daily repentance and dependence upon Him.

Ezekiel 33:15-16 – “if a wicked man restores a pledge, pays back what he has stolen, walks by the statutes which ensure life without committing iniquity, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of his sins that he has committed will be remembered against him. He has practiced justice and righteousness; he shall surely live.”

I cling to this promise.

I’m not trying to work my way back to Heaven. Instead, I live in light of Heaven, trying to bear fruit in keeping with repentance (Matthew 3:8, Acts 26:20c). Of course, I still fail and sin. Now though, my faithfulness is defined by how I respond to that sin: recognize it, confess it, forsake it, make amends and accept forgiveness for it, then find freedom from it.

As my journey of repentance has continued, God and my former employer graciously gave me the opportunity to pay back in full what I stole. So I did. In addition, I have sought amends with others whom I have harmed, asking for forgiveness for my actions. Each conversation is a sweet reminder of the forgiveness that God has already extended me and how I’m ultimately free from my sin, even while I faithfully deal with my sin.

Ultimately, the best part has been the full restoration of my relationship with Christ. He has renewed my hunger for His Word, which helps me yield further to His Spirit, all the while being surrounded by His people that spur me on to love and good deeds. God has been so, so good to me.

Luke 22:32 – “I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”

As I have been restored, God has had to consistently remind me that I’m still qualified to lead others and point them to Christ. By the incredible grace of Christ, I was called to full-time ministry in July 2016. God has given me an opportunity to steward lives through Watermark’s re:generation recovery ministry. Every Tuesday night, I get to help share the love of Christ with people dealing with their own hurts, habits, and hang-ups.

Just like Peter (to whom Jesus speaks in the above verse), I am a restored disciple that now calls others to pick up their cross and follow Christ. There is no better calling. In addition to my full-time ministry job, I also help encourage people in the spiritual discipline of studying and journaling through God’s Word through a little company called Double Edged Notes.

God has a way of using our messes and making them His messages.

I have truly discovered that our brokenness doesn’t make us less valuable to God. In fact, it is our brokenness that makes us valuable to God. Because how we have been put back together tells the story of the Gospel and how Christ radically pursues all of us. If the Gospel is available to a person like me, then it is most definitely available to you too.

*From our EbCo Team: If you or someone you know would like more information on the recovery ministry, re:generation, or if you would like to see if it is available near you, click the following link:
www.regenerationrecovery.org

FIRE – A CONSUMING POWER THAT TRANSFORMS US INTO THE HOLY PEOPLE OF GOD

This past weekend your church may have celebrated the Christian holy day of Pentecost – the day when the Holy Spirit was poured out on the Jewish believers in Christ, 50 days after His crucifixion, just as He had promised. Many would say that Pentecost marks the birth of the Church, the Body of Christ. Acts 2:47 tells us that after this event “the Lord kept adding to them those who were being saved, day after day.” But few people, even those who have grown up in the church, realize that the first Pentecost happened 1500 years earlier.

Pentecost, or Shavuot, as it is called in Hebrew, occurs 50 days, after the Feast of Passover. After the Israelites left Egypt, God continued to rescue them from their enemies, guide them through the desert, and provide for their physical needs. Fifty days later, God presented to the community the opportunity to enter into covenant with Him. An invitation to become the Lord’s own treasured possession from among all the people of the earth – and the people willingly agreed! (Exodus 19) At that time, God came down in a great show of fire and power upon the head of Mount Sinai:

Exodus 24:16-17
“The glory of the Lord settled on Mount Sinai, and the cloud covered it for six days. On the seventh day he called to Moses from the cloud. The appearance of the Lord’s glory to the Israelites was like a consuming fire on the mountaintop.”

Deuteronomy 19:17-18
“Then Moses brought the people out of the camp to meet God, and they stood at the foot of the mountain. Mount Sinai was completely enveloped in smoke because the Lord came down on it in fire. Its smoke went up like the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mountain shook violently.”

It’s during this awesome demonstration of God’s glory and power that He gives Moses the Torah, the Law, or better put – the instruction of the Lord. It’s important to note that the Israelites were already saved through their faith in the blood of the Passover Lamb. God’s Law was not a precursor to their salvation – it came after they had been called out and drawn out of slavery and bondage.

Flash forward 1500 years and we see a strikingly similar event take place in Jerusalem:

Acts 2:2-4
“When the day of Pentecost had arrived, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like that of a violent rushing wind came from heaven, and it filled the whole house where they were staying. They saw tongues like flames of fire that separated and rested on each one of them. Then they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in different tongues, as the Spirit enabled them.”

Here we see an amazing parallel: At the first Pentecost God inscribed His Word on tablets of stone, and later fulfilled this event by writing His Word on tablets of flesh. The prophets Jeremiah and Ezekiel both prophesied of this event:

Jeremiah 31:33
“…I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts.”

Ezekiel 36:26-27
“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.”

I’m guessing none of you reading this have ever had tongues of fire appear above your head, so what can we, as modern day believers, take away from this event? When John the Baptist spoke of the Messiah Who was to come he said, “I baptize you with water, but one who is more powerful than I am is coming. I am not worthy to untie the strap of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.” (Luke 3:16) When we put our faith in Christ to be our Lord and Savior, we are sealed, baptized by the Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 1:13) We are marked as His own special treasure. But what of the baptism by fire that John speaks of?

Think about what fire does. In Hebrew the word literally means “strong consumer.” The author of Hebrews tells us in 12:29, “For indeed, ‘Our God is a consuming fire!’” When we put our faith in Christ and receive His Holy Spirit, a work begins in us. The Spirit begins to wage war against our flesh (Galatians 5:17), and the holy process of sanctification begins to take place – wherein we submit ourselves to God, and, through His Spirit, He enables us to die to our flesh, to take off the old man, and to walk in the Spirit. (Romans 8:1-17, Ephesians 4:22-24, Galatians 5:16)

There’s a term that perhaps you’ve heard, especially if you grew up around forests – controlled burn. Often times fires are intentionally set for the purpose of hazard reduction, restoration, and preparation for the planting of new crops. This reminds me of what Peter writes in 1 Peter 1:6-7, “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

As believers in Christ, we have the assurance of salvation through the baptism of the Holy Spirit; however, when we accept that free gift, we can also be assured of the baptism by fire – the holy, refining, sanctifying work of God, that consumes our darkness and fills us with His light!

Here’s some things to think about:
1. Where have you seen God’s consuming, refining fire at work in your own life?

2. How is God’s Spirit leading you to die to your flesh as He sanctifies you to become more like Christ?

3. Are there any areas that you have been holding back from God – fearful of His consuming fire? How can you trust Him more and believe that God is for you, working to accomplish His purpose in your life?

Jenni Norsworthy

FAITH LIKE A CHILD – FOR A CHILD

Jennifer McNeely

I’ll begin this story back in 2011, when my body went through something that I didn’t even know it could, and I experienced pain like I’ve never experienced before. It was Easter Sunday, and I had just spent the weekend back in Amarillo with my family. As I drove back to Cisco, TX that evening I felt fine. In the middle of the night, I woke up to the worst pain I had ever felt. It felt like someone was beating my stomach with a hammer. I fell out of bed and crawled to the bathroom thinking I was about to vomit, but never did. While curled up in a ball on the floor, I managed to get to my phone and called my dear friend Caryn to come and get me and take me to the hospital. Caryn came with her husband Russ, who picked me up and put me in the back seat of their car and raced me to the hospital.

After we arrived, they got me a hospital bed and, at this point, I thought my appendix had ruptured or something that serious. The doctors did a cat scan, which was awful because of the “lemonade” they made me drink beforehand. They discovered I had a huge mass on my uterus that needed immediate surgery. At this point, I was so ready to be out of the pain, that I was all for them opening me up right then and there. Thankfully, however, my precious friend

Caryn stayed by my bedside and was able to think in her right mind – unlike myself. Since the mass was on my uterus, she suggested I see her gynecologist in Abilene. I agreed, so long as they could give me some pain medication. In the ambulance, as the pain medication kicked in, I began feeling much better, and even serenaded the paramedics along the way.

I saw Dr. Norton and he decided to admit me into the hospital to run some further tests. Dr. Norton thought that I had “twisted ovaries,” also known as ovarian torsion. He believed they had untwisted, which caused my intense pain, but had also caused an infection. My abdomen was so sensitive you couldn’t touch me from the chest down without me trying to kick someone across the room. When I ate, it felt like I was eating broken glass, causing pain all the way through each intestine. Dr. Norton then decided to have a gastroscopy done. My stomach was fine, and the antibiotics helped get rid of the infection. I started to feel better and was released two days later. Dr. Norton said he wanted to see me in a month to check the mass out again.

I returned home and went back to work, coaching softball at Cisco College. A month later at my follow up appointment, Dr. Norton informed me that the mass was the size of a softball, which I thought was ironic given the fact I was a softball coach. I remember thinking, “It would be the size of a softball.” He decided to do a laparoscopic surgery to see what exactly was going on.

As I left his office, with my surgery scheduled in a couple of weeks, I began to pray to my Lord and Savior like I had done a million times before, but this time was different. This time it was about something going on inside my body that I couldn’t control, something that could affect my future husband and the ability to bear children. I had to fully give into His plan and know that He was truly the ultimate Physician. I had to lay it down before Him–100%–completely. God spoke to me driving back to Cisco and said to my heart, “It will be okay and you will be blessed with children.” I felt a wave of peace come over me and knew whichever way they came, by adoption or by birth, He would give me children.

During the surgery, Dr. Norton found an intense case of endometriosis, along with two cysts on my ovaries. He was able to remove the mass and preserve my reproductive organs. He told me that in 25 years of practice, this was the second worst case he had ever seen. In the first, he had to do a full hysterectomy on the woman. He informed me that the chance of infertility was high and that I should try to have children in the next 3 to 5 years. This sounded like a lot of pressure, given the fact that I was very single at the time.

In 2013, I met my husband Matt. We like to call ourselves “match.com-mers.” Matt likes to joke that I met 67% of his criteria so he clicked, “Yes!” Of course, before we got married, I shared with him that the chances of me struggling with infertility were very high. He accepted every part of me and knew that adoption would possibly be the only option for us. We married in June 2014. We began trying to get pregnant from the start and for a year and a half we were unsuccessful. My gynecologist suggested we go the In-Vitro route, so in January 2016, we went to C.A.R.E Fertility in Fort Worth.

I know that a lot of people try to separate God and science, as if the only option is either one or the other; but the Lord is the Creator of all things. “Worthy are You, our Lord and our God, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and because of Your will they existed, and were created,” Revelation 4:11. He can choose to bless us with children in so many ways that are truly miraculous and we may never fully understand.

As a believer, I truly believe that He places people in our lives for a reason. Some are there for a very brief time, while some may be only seasonal, and others are with you through your whole life. He placed the doctors and nurses in my life for a reason. I had a first-row seat to how amazing, intelligent, kind, caring, and somewhat angelic these people were through this whole process. But I also got to see first-hand how miraculous our Lord is through science and technology, and no matter the process, He created life and He is in charge! I learned so many things that a woman’s body could do – it was simply spectacular!

Matt and I went through a lot of tests, me more than him, obviously. Guys sure do have it a lot easier, don’t they? My fertility doctor, called Matt and me “overachievers.” They were able to retrieve 23 of my eggs. Of those, 14 were fertilized and became top notch embryos! After hearing other people’s stories and reading some statistics, these kind of numbers were staggering. I remember waking up in the recovery room after they retrieved my eggs, to hear the doctor of the woman next to me tell her they had only recovered 3 eggs and that the chances of them being healthy enough to still go through fertilization were very low. That had been her third time attempting this procedure. She sobbed and was so devastated. My heart ached for her and I just wanted to tell her that she could have some of mine if she wanted.

On April 26, 2016, our little embryo was picked out from the bunch and implanted. I have a picture of what he looked like when he was only a bundle of cells. It was amazing! We also were able to watch them implant the embryo and the doctor pointed him out on the sonogram screen. It was really fascinating to witness how amazing, creative, and miraculous our God is! We found out we were having a boy and named him Keller Cash McNeely. Cash in reference to the “cash” we forked out to have this sweet little boy. He is priceless and well worth every penny! Our son Keller was born January 16, 2017. I’d go through all the pain, surgery, tests, needles, discomfort, and miles traveled a million times to bring Keller Cash into this world again. The Lord gave me strength that was unimaginable.

Keller has the sweetest and most kind spirit and personality. He is such a blessing from the Lord. He brings such joy to our lives and it still blows my mind the plan the Lord had for us, way better than any plan I ever had for myself. “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him.” (Psalm 127:3)

Since Keller was born, the tenderness in my lower abdomen has never gone away. I had my yearly checkup in February 2018 and talked with the doctor about it. It wasn’t normal to still be tender after a year. In April, I decided to go back in and have some sonograms done. The doctor found that one of my fallopian tubes possibly had hydrosalpinx, or fluid in the tube. I didn’t even know this could happen, let alone ever even heard the word “hydrosalpinx.” So, I had my doctor literally spell it out for me. She informed me that because I’m planning to do In-Vitro again, she wanted me to go back and see my fertility doctor. More than likely the endometriosis and adhesions had blocked off the tube which makes the fluid buildup. The fluid in the tube is toxic and will either wash out the embryo or kill it after implantation. Usually in this case, they would have to remove the fallopian tube before they could do another implantation. I met with my fertility doctor in May and she did some more sonograms and wants to do a HSG test as well as a hysteroscopy to see if the tubes are truly blocked and dilated before we jump straight to doing surgery.

Once again, I went into prayer and handed this all over to the Lord. I called all my prayer warriors and we prayed for healing and for the Lord to take over. I had zero control over what was going on and thanked the Lord for His promises. My favorite verse is Isaiah 41:10, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” This scripture has carried me through so many challenging circumstances. When these procedures were to be done, I prayed that my doctor would find 100% nothing wrong so that we could move forward with our next embryo implantation. At my next appointment my doctor found nothing wrong with my tubes or anything else that would harm another implantation! Praise God! However, she informed me that my endometriosis isn’t just mild, but a severe case and will cause a lot of pain until a hysterectomy is done. But until then, we are now able to move forward into Phase 1 of starting the next implantation. We are super thrilled to hopefully make Keller a big brother and we know he will be the best at it!

Throughout this whole journey, I can truly say that I had days of not understanding His plan for me, but I never lost faith in my Lord and learned to truly submit to His plan. Matthew 18:3 says, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” To have faith like a child. I truly embodied this verse and have always tried to practice my faith in this way. I wanted to humble myself before Him. I wanted to look up at Him with honest and faithful eyes, waiting for His commandments, waiting for His discipline, waiting for His arms to hold me, waiting to feel His love just like a child yearns from their parents. By living my faith in this way, approaching obstacles in this way, He has brought me a peace and understanding that only the Lord can give. I knew, no matter what I was going through, He was there for me. It is the Lord who goes before me. “He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

During this process, I met people who had gone through struggles with fertility as well. Some had positive outcomes and some were not as fortunate. I also had different comments expressed to me that I had “taken matters into my own hands,” that I was “playing the hand of God,” or that “I put my faith in myself instead of in the Lord.” I even had someone close to me say, “Wow, you just took God right out of it, huh?” All these negative comments didn’t upset me, instead they made me feel sorry for these people for not understanding our Creator. See to me, God being the Creator of all things, He created the process of reproduction. He created every cell within our bodies. He knows exactly how each organ works in our bodies. He knows that we live in a fallen world and that we will see struggles as human beings.

I didn’t take my God out of the circumstances, He was right in the middle of it. He told me He was going to give me children, and I know deep in my soul that no part of my body and nothing in this world was going to prove my Creator wrong. I found strength in myself that was undoubtedly from the Lord. He blessed us by putting these doctors and nurses in our path – intelligent and caring people. He created them to excel in science and gifted them with huge hearts to serve others. These were also people put into my path for me to witness to and share the Lord with. I got to see God the Creator create our precious 14 embryos. I believe in life at conception, so I know, even at this stage of their lives, they have souls and the Lord has a special plan for each one of them. We may have to use all our embryos ourselves, but if not, we are able to donate them to other struggling couples who were not as fortunate as we were. I know if we do donate our precious embryos to a couple, they will not only have healthy babies, but cute ones as well!

See, this story doesn’t end with us, and it’s not just about Matt and me. This has connected us with so many other people. Some we will be able to meet and hopefully share the Lord with, and others we won’t get to meet, but they will be a part of God’s greater plan that we can’t always see or understand ourselves. I do know this though, that being an effective witness is first and foremost living our lives in a way that others will want to know more.

No matter what circumstances come my way, I will serve the Lord and be a light for Him. I will share the Good News of Jesus dying on the cross, forgiving us of our sins, and rising three days later. I can take any pain, challenge, obstacle, and heartache along the way, knowing my days are numbered and all of this is temporary – trusting that I will one day get to share the Kingdom of Heaven with my Lord and Savior. I know that He can bring others to know and love Him through the obstacles that we ourselves have gone through. Our purpose on this earth is to love the Lord and further His Kingdom. I will do my best to live by this everyday given any circumstance I go through. This I do know.

FREEDOM – What If Christians Actually Lived Like They Were Free?

Our fast-paced world is rampant with compulsive activity. Many of us compulsively pick up our phones when there’s a dull moment. Or we use coping methods we may not even realize, like shopping, eating, working, escaping, or controlling. These things may seem harmless, but if we are acting out of compulsion, we are essentially slaves to those habits.

Take a minute to think about what your heart’s desires may be. Do you grasp for control, comfort, power, approval, material possessions, social status, sex, achievement, or something else? The desires of our hearts may not be sinful in themselves, but if our actions are self-serving, they are holding us back from seeking the Lord. Paul says “‘I have the right to do anything’ —but I will not be mastered by anything.” (1 Corinthians 6:12)

How does Paul speak with such confidence? He knows he has the power of the Holy Spirit on his side. Don’t ever forget that you have the very same power living in you! If you have trusted in Christ, the moment you surrendered your life and will to Him was the moment you were set free from slavery to your desires, habits, and sin. Acts 13:39 says “Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin.”

YOU ARE ALREADY FREE!

Take off that orange jumpsuit, run out of that jail cell – if you have Christ living in you, YOU are free! “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1) Christ did the work to set us free, but this verse says we carry some responsibility too. It takes action and perseverance to overcome those old ways of coping.

Can you imagine a prisoner staying in a jail cell after the warden has unlocked the door? That’s exactly what we’re doing when we keep allowing our desires to dictate our actions after we’ve been set free. We’re labeling ourselves as Christians, but our lives don’t look much different than the rest of the world’s. We are still plagued by anxiety, grasping for control, seeking approval, working for the weekend, and hiding secret sin, while the outside world looks at us with wonder. They wonder why they should believe in a God Whose followers appear to be just as lost as the rest of the world.

What would it look like to master your pet sins instead of allowing them to master you? Start with prayer. “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Corinthians 3:17) Ask the Holy Spirit to act powerfully in your heart as you face your struggles head-on. Maybe it’s taking a break from your phone one day out of the week, finding a verse to quote out loud when you feel like lashing out in anger, or asking a friend if they will hold you accountable to stick to your budget. Sin is not ranked on a scale from bad to worse, so don’t treat it like it is. Be relentless as you root out any little thing that pulls your heart away from God.

Freedom is found when His desires replace your own. Those old compulsions will lose their grip on you, and His power will become evident, as you are free to love others more than yourself. When you take His hand and courageously step out of your old, familiar jail cell, the onlooking world will look at you with wonder. But this time, they will be in awe of the freeing power of your great God.

Things to think about:

What are some of my heart’s desires?
How do I behave when I’m grasping at those desires?
Which Christ-following friend can I confess these struggles to, and ask for accountability?

Amanda Buccola

A Seed Sown in Grief

Chelsea Richardson

October 14th, 2017— a day in time that forced my husband and I to our knees in full denial, absolute heartache, and tremendous suffering. However, that day also marks when, for the first time in my life, through unbearable pain and with every ounce of energy, I mustered the words, “Okay God. Not our plan…but Yours.”

Jones Kipenzi Richardson was born at 11:00 am on Saturday morning after going in for a routine sonogram, where we would find out that, despite every perfect measurement and previous scan, her heart had stopped beating and she was now soaring with the angels in Heaven.

It was by far the worst 24 hours of my life…laboring a child that was no longer living. Working so hard to deliver OUR daughter, our child who would not receive a birth certificate…just a death certificate. We struggled to understand that there was nothing in the world we could have done to keep this from happening. There was no “known” condition or defect that caused this to happen, other than our King, our Lord, needed her…and we had to be okay with that.

It took some time. But eventually, we did come to that place of being okay. We did it because we trust God with every muscle in our body, and know that God needed our sweet girl more than we did. We prayed for God to show us how our daughter was being used for Kingdom work…not suffering….and He did. He showed us that in every possible way.

I have seen the Lord work in me, my marriage, and my relationship with Him in more ways than I can even put into words. I would literally need over 100 pages to describe in detail the calling I have received. My very favorite is my marriage though.

The Tuesday before losing our Jones, my husband Evan and I saw rocky ground for the first time in a long time. Hours of hashing out miscommunication, expectations, goals, wants and needs, and ways that we could pray for each other….because in all honesty…we hadn’t. Life had gotten busy, schedules were all over the place. We were raising a toddler with one more on the way, budgets were blown, and we had begun to put ourselves first before each other. It was the hardest, but best conversation we had ever had. And I know, in my heart of hearts, God knew we needed to have that conversation before entering into a time of complete trial and suffering 3 days later.

I simply cannot imagine surviving the last 7 months without having my husband by my side. I have never held that hand of his tighter, and WE, together…began clinging to the Lord with everything we had.

Between my husband and I, we can count on two hands the amount of people that have come to know and walk with the Lord since our daughter’s passing and sharing our story of how we turned suffering into joy. I know that is not something that I myself am capable of doing. I know SPECIFICALLY that the Lord has used our daughter’s story of perfection….to bring those that are lost and wandering to comfort and salvation…and to a place they can call home.

My life before losing our Jones was fast paced and rushed – many times I felt like I was just “going through the motions.” I now wake up each morning longing for Heaven like never before. Knowing and telling myself I will do absolutely whatever it takes to ensure I walk through the doors of eternity and see my daughter face to face. And quite frankly, I have also found within me a passion of getting as many people to Heaven as I can – pointing them to Christ and telling them the Good News of salvation. I have truly found my purpose—telling those around me near and far about a perfect, healthy baby that was needed for Kingdom work…not earthly work.

Through our loss I have learned that God is EXACTLY who He says He is. He is true, He is sovereign, and He is RIGHT. And after what seemed like an eternity of trying to conceive and become pregnant again…God has blessed us with the opportunity to become parents once more.

Amidst the overflowing emotions, anxiety and worry…lies a single seed of hope and faith that causes me to trust that God is in absolute control….and just like Matthew 17:20 says, “I tell you, even if you had faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing would be impossible.”

I find true and utmost joy in knowing the Lord’s hand is on this child.

MERCY – A Calling and a Covering

Just earlier this week my four-year-old daughter, Eleanor, sinned against her twin sister, Maggie. Okay, well, she just ate her french fry, but still, to a four-year-old that’s almost unforgivable. Naturally, Maggie got upset and immediately Eleanor apologized, followed by an “it’s okay, I forgive you” from her sister. Directly after this exchange, Eleanor cowered under a chair in shame hiding. When my husband saw this, he said, “Eleanor, Maggie has forgiven you. You need to act like you’re forgiven.”

And those words hit me like a ton of bricks. ACT LIKE YOU’RE FORGIVEN. Oh, how I need to do the same. Instead of cowering under a chair bearing my guilt that Jesus already bore, I should be wearing His forgiveness like a fine garment. After all, God has called me into His mercy, and with His mercy He covers my every sin: past, present, and future.

In Matthew 22, Jesus tells The Parable of the Wedding Guest, in which a wealthy king is throwing a festive and over-the-top wedding banquet for his son. Stick with me here while I hash out the events in this parable. In the time this story was being told, invitations to such elaborate events went out in advance to allow people to prepare. And when the time came, the guests were summoned to come at once and enter into feasting and celebrating in style. Just as expected, the time came for the king’s guests to be summoned. But when his servants went out to gather those who had been invited to the banquet; the guests refused to come. When the king was informed of this, he sent his servants out to summon the invited guests yet again, this time sweetening the deal. “Tell them I’ve prepared dinner, my oxen and fattened cattle have been slaughtered. Everything is ready – come!” But again, those who were invited paid no attention – one went to his own farm, one to his business, and the rest mistreated his servants and even killed them. But the king was determined. The celebration would still go on! Finally, he asked his remaining servants to summon anyone they saw on the streets in the city, both evil and good. And soon the banquet hall was filled with guests. As the king entered to see his guests, a man catches his eye. This man was not dressed in fine garments. He was in his street clothes, not suitable for a fine wedding feast. He asked the man, “How did you get in here without wedding clothes, friend?” The man was speechless. Then the king told the attendants, “Tie him hand and foot, and throw him outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. For many are invited, but few are chosen.”

When I first came across this story, I was confused and unsettled. But these events that appeared to be far from merciful, upon further investigation and teaching, have revealed two crucial characteristics of God’s unrelenting mercy.

Mercy is a calling: And as we know, it is not just a calling to the Jews, but to the Gentiles as well (Ephesians 3:6). Just like the king’s final invitation, at his expense, he opened the invitation to ANYBODY, the good and the bad; just as God, in His mercy, calls anyone who will accept the call of mercy. Being worthy of mercy has nothing to do with your record, your socioeconomic status, your bank account, your job, or your standing in the church. You enter in, not by being perfect, but by admitting that you are not. Accepting this call of mercy involves being able to recognize the King’s “wedding banquet” for what it is and responding to it as one’s top priority. There is no baggage in your past that is too big, too bad, or too weighty. Because Mercy is not only a calling, it is also a covering.

Mercy is a covering: Since the King has opened the banquet to anyone, guests are coming from the streets outside the city; rich, poor, social outcasts, church officials, etc. The original guests had save the dates – they knew it was coming and could prepare, but those from the streets came with nothing. So of course the man in his street clothes did not arrive to the wedding in garments worthy of a wedding feast. The last ones invited had no warning. They were literally taken off the streets. So we can assume that garments appropriate for such a feast were provided, at the King’s expense, to the guests at the door. Anyone can show up, but He clothed them at the door. Reiterating the truth of God’s kingdom. God is saying, “I’m the One Who calls and I’m the One Who covers.” He comes and covers our shame and clothes us in His righteousness. However, this man did not accept the covering freely given at the door. He chose to stay in his rags, where he was complacent and comfortable, and, for whatever reason, did not accept the covering of the royal robes provided. And when confronted by the King, he was speechless. He had no excuse. And he was thrown out in the darkness.

Listen to me, here: God, in His mercy takes anyone, and God in His justice requires that they come in the covering under the sacrifice of Christ. This is how we are seen blameless, white as snow. Under, and only under, the covering of Christ. Mercy and justice are no longer a paradox, but they work together beautifully through the blood of Jesus.

Hebrews 10:18 says, “Now where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer an offering for sin.” Are you showing up with your own sacrifice? No matter how good and pure that sacrifice might be, it’s not enough. Our rags are not enough. Are you tired and weary of trying to prove that they are? Only the covering that has come under the sacrifice of Jesus is worthy of such a banquet as Heaven.

Accept the call. Put on the covering. And, act forgiven.

In what ways are you showing up with your own sacrifice? Are you tired and weary of trying to prove that your own sacrifice is enough?
What is keeping you from accepting the covering of God’s beautiful Mercy? Shame, doubt, feeling you are unworthy?
In what ways can you accept this covering and start living like you are forgiven?

Lauren Scurry

LINGERING

Courtney Wetzel

We live in a hustling world that feels the need for instant gratification and “moving along.” For far too long, I have found myself pacing around trying to grasp this “vision” I had for my life. Each morning, I wake up with an agenda ready to be conquered. The need to wake up at a certain time each morning, workout, be on my hands and knees all before 8am dictated my day. Running and sprinting motivated my soul for the gratification it was longing for. As I got caught up in my hustle, I noticed that my dear heart was searching for something. This something was not quantifiable, but for all I knew, I was searching. Do you see this trend in yourself? Our busy masks, our deepest cries, as we are in pursuit of achievements. There would be times when I was not even in pursuit of anything, yet my hustle gained momentum. Whatever the pursuit was, I found myself running around for an “answer” that was right in front of me all along.

When I am home in Dallas, my dad and I have this tradition of going to Mi Cocina any chance we get. One day over the weekend, we ate at our beloved lunch spot in our beloved booth. For about an hour, we exchanged thoughts and agendas with each other over a cup of guacamole, without ever really talking. We finished our lunch and headed home. I kid you not, we pull up to the house through the alley and through the garage and my dad begins to talk about his childhood memories.

WE HAD A WHOLE HOUR AND NOW HE CHOOSES TO TELL ME ABOUT HIS CHILDHOOD? I had somewhere to be, but I knew that I needed to sit still and listen.

Something I admire about my dad is that he takes his time and he is thorough. I’ve learned that I just get caught up in the hustle, that I do not allow myself to stay around long enough to really know him. When I really take the time to think about it, this has been true through my life. My dear dad has suffered from chronic back pain that jolts pain down his spine into his legs or up to his neck. As far into my childhood as I can remember, he has walked with a cane because of his pain. As a child, I thought nothing of it until I began to get older. Each year I realized that my dad was not able to run with me. There were times where his pain was so severe, he could not even stay awake. Observing this year after year as I began to get older, the angsty teenager in me was not pleased. There was a deep desire to be pursued in an active way by my dad. My prideful and immature heart did not see who was right in front of me. Because of my pursuit of a fast pace, I was blind to see the beauty in the slow pace.

I wonder, if I would have waited just a little bit longer, lingered slightly so growing up, if I would have received more peace in this process. The process of being a daughter and truly knowing my dad. My dearest daddy has such a cool story. Back behind his ocean blue eyes are sights that he will forever carry with him for all of his days. Dearest Rick trained in the Air Force, traveled to many countries, met many people and experienced his own life as a kid. This story that sits deep inside of him needs someone who will be willing to sit and listen even in moments of silence. My dad is a gentle-man who is a quiet observer, yet soaks in life that is around him. Yet my soul, who yearns to hustle, can get so caught up in the process of running, that I sprint past the fact that slowing down allows for a deeper understanding. Even more than simply slowing down, lingering is something else we must consider.

Because think of this. How do we really get to know someone? We usually take the time to dive deeper and stay a little bit longer to receive depth.

Our Heavenly Father is just the same. He has such a presence about Himself that is gentle and kind. His Spirit is such that lingers through His children that allures us into the wonder of who He is. There is not a pace that we must run to catch Him because He is here in front of us all the time. What we get to do is just show up and come to Him. We must SLOW DOWN just long enough to listen.

I wonder why we run this fast pace. Maybe, just maybe, we are running away from feelings or from being fully known. Maybe just maybe, we are running toward an opportunity or toward the future expectation. Whatever it is, this pace has gotten the best of our truest design – to be known and to be loved.

I want to grant each of us the freedom to slow down to be seen and to see others. What I noticed in myself was a pride and sin of a hustler deep within me that saw potential and progress in the pace. I prided the idea of time and wanting to make the best use of what I had. I was addicted to the pace of productivity that I did not let the blessings of the deepening pace to come into fruition. Even in music, if something is just a little too slow, I am quick to skip to the next. Maybe it is the pauses that come in that make me feel as if it was wasting time.

This week, I urge you, when your soul wants to hustle and just “figure it out,” let yourself linger. Linger long enough to really listen and to really receive. Take a slower pace when you interact with other people. Especially the people closest to you. We all assume that we truly know our people, but we are always learning. Ask bold questions, keep the yearning of learning going in you and invite others into this pursuit.

We can be a generation that changes the culture’s desire to run, fast forward, and just go on to the next thing. As we continue to proceed in this life, let us humbly halt the pace to see the beauty that has been in front of us the entire time.

Let lingering surprise you, dear friends.

Psalm 46:10a “Be still and know that I am God…”

TRUST- Surrendering Our Will To God’s Sovereign Plan

Despair, anxiety, lack of rest. Maybe it’s just me, or do you feel it too? Do you feel enslaved to your life? The to-do lists, carpool, sports commitments – not to mention the comparison that the world tells us to answer to. Does your discouragement worsen when you turn on the news? Locally, there have been 7 police officers killed in the line of duty over the last few years. A group gathering at a home during the Super Bowl ended with 9 killed during a shooting spree in a friend’s neighborhood. There is brokenness in the world everywhere we look, even in our own cities. This can cause us to live in intense fear, and when you pair it with our own day to day stress and living for the world, it’s no wonder we are letting anxiety take over. The American Psychological Association’s 2017 Annual Stress survey concluded that the U.S. is more likely to report anxiety, anger and fatigue than any other nation.

Jesus says in John 16:33, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.” He also tells us that He leaves us with peace, not the peace of the world, but peace that comes from knowing the Father and Son (John 14:27). So if Jesus, Who was fully man and fully God, was able to lay down His life knowing the pain and suffering that was coming, then literally take His life back up again 3 days later, why are we all so anxious? Don’t we trust God, His promises, the death and resurrection of His Son? The power of God? Acts 14:22 tells us that we must go through many hardships to enter the Kingdom of God. No one enters heaven who doesn’t first share in Christ’s sufferings. So suffering is part of our world, but we don’t have to suffer without the comfort and encouragement of Christ. No matter what we are going through, we have the choice to lean into the Lord and allow Him to get us to the other side, because He will.

My pastor likes to use the imagery that we are living between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday. So how do we live through the weekend and run the race well? We trust our good Father. But first we have to know WHO HE is and WHAT HE has done.

Do you know Him? He knows you. Read Psalm 139!

Psalm 100:3 says, “Know that the Lord Himself is God; It is He who made us and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep in His pasture.”

Psalm 139:16 “You have seen my unformed substance, and in your book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.”

Psalm 138:8 “The LORD will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O LORD, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.”

God has given thought to every detail about us, our personality, our interests, where we are headed. He knows. We are limited, but God is not! He will bring about what He has planned for us. He will point us to it. We have to take all of our hopes and dreams and lay them down at the feet of Jesus and let Him know we want all that we are and all that we have to be FOR Him. So ask God to use you and all that you are to accomplish the work of His hands, His will through our lives. Living in God’s world, not our own. Trusting Him.

When you meet Jesus, your everything should change forever – and if it hasn’t, you haven’t met Jesus, surrendered your flesh, or trusted completely that He is better to follow than yourself. Trust that when you can’t see God, He is still there, still good and has a purpose for your life – and His plans do not change. Even the hard days, hard diagnoses, the heartbreaks. He is there. We can have faith that He is who He says He is. His track record is legit. Look back on the things He has done for you and remember He is always faithful, even when we are not. He knows what is best for us, and works all things together for our good, and His purpose – His will is to make us holy (Romans 8:28, 1 Thessalonians 4:3). If you want to trust God, you have to know Him first.

Where is your focus today? On the One who created you from unformed substance and numbered all the days of your life in His book? Or is it on your own strength and ability to race the world?

Hebrews 12:1-2 says, “Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.” The author of Hebrews tells us to lay aside anything entangling us, distracting us, getting our attention or time away from God. And to RUN with endurance the race (already predetermined).

So if we know God has a plan and purpose for us, can we seek His will and let His word sanctify us? Can we lay down the control we desperately seek in the world, and choose to do all for the glory of God while loving and leading those around us in Christ? If these are our priorities in life, then the anxiety, anger, and fatigue will diminish and we will have faith in our Heavenly Father to do what He already has in motion.

I challenge you to run the race already set before you today, trusting the God of the universe. He breathed breath into you for a reason. Allow God’s grace today to enable you to run alongside Him. Lean your whole weight into Jesus and you will be saved (Act 16:31).

Are you living in your world, or are you living in God’s will?
Are you trying to control your fears and dreams or are you running the race that the Lord has set before you, allowing Him to lead?
Can you trust God even when your circumstances get turned upside down? What is your plan?

Amy Merritt