Ebenezer Collective

THE UNKNOWN

Bill Conway

***Last week you read Amy’s story of how the Lord pursued her in unseen ways by reconnecting her with her family in order to bring her to recognize Him as her loving Father. This week, read her uncle’s side of the story!

Sometimes our past just haunts us from afar, but oftentimes it’s right in our face nagging at us, waiting for us to do something about it. That’s how it was for me when I thought about my niece that I hadn’t seen in 32 years. She was only about 8 months old the last time I saw her. Cute as a button, she had the family facial traits and everything. I was just 14 years old at the time and didn’t know any better that she would be stripped from my life.

Fast forward some 32 years, and I was faced with a daunting task. I had to find my niece that I had not seen in all these years and give her the worst news she could ever hear – that her father, my brother, Donald Curtis Conway, had passed away. How do you break news like this to someone that 1) doesn’t know you from anyone else 2) has not had any contact with your family in such a long time, and 3) may not accept you or your message? Wow, I was confronted with a task that I knew that only one entity, one trustworthy soul, one all-knowing and loving God could guide me through. His will be done.

Proverbs 1:5 says “let the wise listen and add to their learning, and the let discerning get guidance.” In this message, I prayed for God to give me the tools and guidance to discern what I needed to do to find my niece. I prayed for many days and nights, even before my brother’s death, that somehow we would find Amy. Often Donnie would say to me that he wondered what she was doing, how she was doing, what she looked like, and did she even know him or love him. I know that in his heart, without him saying a word, he loved Amy and longed to be reconnected with her. But at the same time, he realized his world was one that she didn’t belong in, and for her own good, he didn’t pursue her. In the years of having no contact with her, I often wondered if this was the right thing, but since she was his daughter, the decision of this magnitude fell to him and him alone.

Donnie had fought many demons in his life. Drugs and alcohol were the main ones that just continued to put him on the wrong path of life. Every once in a while he would get clean, “fly right” for a time, as our Mom put it, and do the right thing. Yet despite all the treatments and arrests and bail outs and lectures from Mom and Dad, he just could not see it clearly enough to get away from those things that tore him down. And finally, they had subdued him; the drug life had taken him away from us and into the arms of Jesus. When I heard the news, I was quite surprised. I had just talked to him a couple of weeks before his death and he was finally in a good place – clean, sober, he had a job and was living away from the influences that brought him to his knees. So as to what happened in those two weeks after that took him from this world, we will never know. However, I do know that God was with him, taking him from his misery into the glorious light.

In learning of my brother’s passing, I knew that the right thing to do was to find Amy. But how do you find someone that you have been out of contact with for so long? Again, I turned to God for the answer. Continuing to pray for a way to find Amy, a blessing came in the form of contact with a third cousin that I had just friended on social media. I soon learned that she had the tools to search birth records for the entire state of Texas. I knew Amy’s birthdate and I thought I knew what town and county she was born in. My cousin’s search was a simple task at that point, as she was able to find Amy’s birth record and other documents and information that would eventually lead us to her. Trusting in the will of God, we set out on our way to search for Amy Nicole Conway.

Armed with this new found information, I started on social media to locate Amy. I called it my “Finding Amy” project. Just as God led me to contact my cousin for guidance, continued prayers and encouragement from friends and other family put me in a position to make direct contact with Amy. I knew I was getting close and just could feel it in my heart that this was going to turn out just right, just in God’s way. I was really stepping out into the unknown, but I knew God was right there with me.

Psalm 81:5-7 “I heard an unknown voice say: I removed the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket. In your distress you called and I rescued you.”

I felt discouraged from time to time, but God has a way of keeping you going…and He kept me going through the myriad of searches that I thought were fruitless. By this time, I had put out about 20 inquiries to various young ladies on social media named Amy. And yes, that sounds odd in this day and age. Some of these messages were not very successful, while others even provided encouragement. I recall one message I received that just reinforced my search efforts to find my niece ever so firmly. The young lady was nice enough to reply to my questions and in doing so just touched my heart in such a way that only God’s hand had to be involved. Saying she wasn’t the Amy I was looking for in a very nice way, she urged me to continue looking and searching, never to give up. It was so amazing to read her message of encouragement that my heart just swelled and ached to be successful in my efforts. I had to find my Amy.

Having four daughters of my own, I couldn’t imagine a life without any of them. So it was with Donnie, having given up custody to Amy, because that was what her mother wanted him to do, I just couldn’t comprehend how he just could walk away from her. But now, even from these events of his death and his last will and desires, he wanted Amy to know she was loved and thought of often. Sometimes our circumstances in our life are just what we make them. Other times, we just see no way out. Donnie was pressured by his now ex-wife to have no contact with Amy from that point forward, and he honored that to the end of his days. And now, finding Amy was my burden, my task, my honor…and to find her was all I could think about.

I spent countless hours searching the web, social media sites, and just writing poignant, detailed messages to total strangers, young women, yearning for information, praying to hear that this Amy was the one I was looking for. It was at this point that I wondered if I was doing the right thing, not in the sense of looking to find Amy, but in the way that I was basically “prying” into the lives of other young women, seeking their confidence in me and trusting I was not some predator or nut case. I tossed and turned about this numerous nights, but a quiet voice kept telling me I was doing the right thing. I know now, the hand of the Lord was wrapped around my messages and they were not in vain. My Rescuer was doing His part to make this all come together!!!

Finally, a breakthrough we had been praying for was at hand. Realizing all this time I was searching for Amy Nicole Conway and having known that she did have her name changed through legal adoption, the key was revealed to us through my cousin again that Amy had recently married, thus another name change. Oh, glory to God in the highest – this was just the news we needed to hear!!! With a quick search on social media and looking through some pictures, we were pretty sure we had found our precious Amy!!! But now, the hardest part was yet to come…getting a message to her that she would see, acknowledge, and hopefully respond back to. But how would she respond? A multitude of possible answers came flooding through my head as I typed the message, one I had basically memorized because I had typed it so, so many times before. And now to hit SEND and wait…my heart was beating out of my chest!!! Would she respond right away or would she wait and respond later? Would she even respond at all? The suspense of all of this was tearing me up inside as I decided that once again, this is all in God’s hands and there was nothing at all that I could do about it.

“Amy Nicole Merritt” was the name that came up on the message that I just received a few days after I had sent that last hopeful inquiry. I guess my heart was pounding yet again, but I couldn’t feel it. I think I was just numb at that point. Opening the message, I was thrilled to learn that we had found our Amy!!! Glory be to God!!! At that point, I got down on my knees and thanked Him because He is so good to us!!! And then I read her message and felt so overwhelmed with emotion that I was probably a basket case at this point. A few more messages back and forth, a trading of emails, and phone numbers, and we made plans to meet at a local restaurant to reconnect.

Reconnecting the family, lost for years, just as the families that wandered the desert for 40 years, we were finally finding favor with God and in God to be a family once again with our Amy. Our trust in the will of God from the beginning made all of this possible. Without Him, we are nothing, and with Him we can be all. Thanks be to God!!!

Matthew 6:9-10 – “This, then is how you should pray: ‘Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done…’”

SACRIFICE – Living lives that bring others closer to God

As a believer, when I hear the word “sacrifice” my thoughts jump to what I believe is the ultimate sacrifice…the most important sacrifice that has ever occurred…the sacrifice of Jesus dying on the cross to pay for our sins. Romans 3:23-25 (NLT version) says, “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood.” I love this translation. I love the reminder that we all fall short of His “glorious standard,” but that we can still be made completely RIGHT with God simply by believing that He shed His blood for us and made the ultimate sacrifice. What a forgiving, generous, and loving God we have!!

So what does this mean for us and the way we live out our lives? 1 John 2:6 says, “Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.” If we are called to be as much like Jesus as we can, how can we live sacrificially like He did in order to serve Him and spread His love to others? If I’m honest, often when I think about sacrificing myself, I immediately feel tired and overwhelmed. As a mom, I feel like I am in a constant state of sacrifice…we sacrifice our bodies to carry our babies, and then from the minute they come out until…well, forever (insert scared emoji face here). We sacrifice our time and energy pouring into them and meeting their needs. I literally give them the food off of my plate if they don’t want to eat their own. I mean, that’s some real love right there! And of course moms aren’t the only ones sacrificing…Are you an employee? A dad? A sister, brother, friend, caretaker, or grandparent? I’m pretty sure if you’re a human, you are constantly making sacrifices! As believers though, we are called to sacrifice a little bit differently. Of course, we sacrifice in ways that help and care for others in general, but we also sacrifice in ways that lead people to grow closer to Jesus. So as a mom, sometimes I sacrifice my time to have conversations with my son about Christ, when really I’d rather get the dishes unloaded or have a moment to myself. Or perhaps as an employee, I sacrifice my comfort by bringing up hard questions with my coworkers that might lead to a spiritual discussion, when I’d really rather just talk about sports and the weather because that feels easier.

What’s so encouraging though, is that if we make an effort to sacrifice for others in the name of Jesus, we are being obedient! There are so many verses that command us as followers of Him to love others sacrificially. Hebrews 13:16 says, “And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” John 15:12-13 says, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” When we live and love in a way that’s different, a way that’s bold and unexplainable, others notice. They become curious about what it is about us that makes us able to live so sacrificially while maintaining joyfulness and a peace that surpasses understanding. Matthew 5:16 says, “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

Isn’t this amazing? We can bring others to Christ by living sacrificially and letting our light shine for Jesus, and they in turn will eventually glorify Him – leading to even more believers! So although each and every sacrifice we make here on earth feels hard and at times exhausting, it’s worth it. Matthew 28:19-20 says, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

If we believe what we say we do, and are thankful for the ultimate sacrifice that was made for us by Jesus himself, we can absolutely sacrifice ourselves not only in order to be obedient and follow His commands, but to fulfill our ultimate purpose which is to be ambassadors of Christ and make disciples of as many people we can in our short time here on earth!

Questions to reflect on:
1. Where are you tempted to live selfishly rather than sacrificially towards others?

2. What are some ways that you could show sacrificial love to the people in your life today?

3. Is there someone specific that you struggle to love sacrificially? How can you take one small step toward loving them and pointing them to Christ?

Eleanor Boynton

THE UNSEEN

Amy Merritt

Have you ever had an experience where you discovered something – something you remember so vividly – an event that causes your heart rate to go up, your thoughts become cloudy or confused, and your stomach to ache? I have had more than a few of these experiences in my life, but here is a snapshot of one of those memories for me.

“God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing.” Psalm 68:6

I was sitting on my bed, scrolling on my laptop when I saw I had a friend request on Facebook. I saw this a few weeks before, but still couldn’t place who this person could have been. The name of a person, I did not really recognize. Bill…and the last name Conway. I actually did recognize that name, it was the last name of my father whom I had never met in the 32 years of my life. Despite that, I immediately wondered if this was a patient from the hospital trying to contact me, being that I was an ICU nurse at the time. Maybe they wanted to stay in touch or the family wanted to let me know how things were going. It would be a first, but the thought ran through my mind.

So on this day, I felt a surge of confidence and decided to Google this stranger’s name. Y’all, be careful doing this. The heart wreckage that came next was just that. And words will not be able to express the emotion I was to experience over the next moments and the weeks to come.

An obituary resulted at the top of the search. I clicked it. My heart started to race.

As I read through the first line, I knew that I knew this person. I read: Donald Curtis Conway was led by heavenly angels from this earth on April 9, 2012. (I checked the calendar today was April 25, 2012). This was recent. I began to read quicker, and stopped when I read, “and survived by his daughter Amy Nicole Conway.”

Heart now racing, pounding in my chest, my breath was unsteady, tears pouring out, the emotion overwhelmed me. My chest was heavy with pain and something else I couldn’t describe. My stomach felt like lead.

The words, survived by his daughter “Amy Nicole.” This was notice of my dad’s recent passing.

The first thing that came to mind was feeling loved by my dad for the first time. “But how?” I asked myself, “he did not know me.” I also experienced grief. I cried out literally, knowing that I would never experience this relationship with someone who actually cared to me call me their daughter. I had grown up believing what my mom said, that my dad never wanted anything to do with me and didn’t think twice about me. But reading those words, all that was shattered – and I felt something in my heart I had never felt before.

Claimed. Valued. Loved.

Growing up in a trauma-filled life and feeling completely worthless, forgotten, and damaged, this was a game changer for me. My heart felt something new. I was confused and shocked at the same time by this new feeling. Overwhelmed with emotion that I could not understand.

I decided to contact the Bill Conway who wanted to friend me – my uncle. I read through two messages he had already sent to my Facebook account trying to contact me. Yes, he was my dad’s brother, and my dad had recently passed away. In the message my uncle told me that my dad specifically named me as his sole heir to what he had at the end of his life. To ME! Amy Nicole. The same girl that never knew love, never felt worthy of anything good, never knew what I could possibly offer a dad as a daughter. I had nothing to give.

A girl that was never chosen, never loved, and who always felt like a dirty washed out old rag because of my brokenness. Yes, this made an impact in my stoney hard heart on that day.

I read those words feeling like, “What!?! This man never knew me!” He didn’t know how awful I was and what I had done to mess my life up, but he loved me til the day he died and he always carried me in his heart, enough to mention me in his will 32 years later and leave me his estate. It might seem weird that I would feel those feelings, of being claimed and loved by someone I had never met or established a trustworthy relationship with, but I had such a warped sense of self because the overarching theme in my life of being “unloveable.” This penetrated piercingly into my heart. As I look back, I see that God was making a way for Himself in this very moment. That he started to do something new in my heart. Showing me what love feels like in an earthly relationship. Even if I would never be able to embrace my earthly father, I still felt the love that he had for me.

The message to my uncle sparked a flood of emotion and changes in my life. While my dad and his family were originally from a town in central Texas, his brother, my uncle, and his family were literally across town from me! My uncle immediately shared that he was married for 26 years, and had 4 grown daughters and he wanted to do what was right by my father and honor his wishes. So he found me.

“Thus says the LORD: ‘Keep justice, and do righteousness, for soon my salvation will come, and my righteousness be revealed.’” Isaiah 56:1

You might think the story stops there, but wait! When God does things, He doesn’t just do something, His plans have layers and meaning. Soon, my husband and I were on our way DOWN the street to have dinner with my uncle. And not just my uncle but his amazing, loving family.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

That first night we were together, they shared pictures and stories of my dad, and my uncle shared about how much my dad loved me. That he was hard-working, he was kind, and loving. That there were times when my uncle wanted to find me, but my father did not want him to. I don’t know why – perhaps he felt I wouldn’t accept or love him. I will never know. The next days and weeks, love in me grew bigger and my heart became softer. I started to see what a blessing God had given me in this extended family that I never knew I had – what a blessing that they not only lived on the other side of town, but they also loved Lord. God was moving.

“Then the LORD your God will restore you from captivity, and have compassion on you, and will gather you again from all the peoples where the LORD your God has scattered you.” Deuteronomy 30:3

At this point, I was not a believer. I had been going to church for approximately 1.5 months and was in the very beginning stages of hearing truth and love spoken to me from God’s Word. Every week I would hear how I was loved unconditionally, and that Jesus died so that I could be washed clean of my mistakes, and have a relationship with Him. That I could be in a right relationship with His Father in Heaven who loved me so much. That truth was starting to dent this heart of mine.

“Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

My uncle’s messages and the passing of my father were all part of God’s timing. He was in the details as I processed through this shocking discovery of having a father who KNEW me and had not forgotten me (even though he had given over all rights to me when I was one year old). I reached out soon after hearing this news to a sweet friend that had been shepherding me, even though I did not know it. I let all my walls down to her and expressed my confusion as well as so many questions swirling in my head. “How do I respond? What do I do? Should I feel guilty because of what could have been had we had a relationship? What if he knew I was okay and had a family – would that have helped him?” My friend’s response was a gentle comforting truth, “God loves you, Amy, He wanted you to know your father loved you, and He wanted it exactly this way.”

A loving Father in Heaven, preparing my heart for even more love, and an adoption into His Kingdom and His family.

Since this day, I have established a real relationship with a part of my family that I did not know existed for 32 years. Seriously, God is crazy good. They care for me with love and kindness through their actions and words, and seek to know my heart. They love my kids and pray for us. We get to share life and laugh – making our own memories together. They do this not because of anything I have done, but what God has done. He placed us in one another’s lives for a reason. Through His love and for His glory. He is good.

“He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will” Ephesians 1:5

The feelings of hope started to well up within me, Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see without knowing it.” In 2012, I had just started to go to church and I was far from God. There was so much wreckage to wade through, I wouldn’t have known where to start. But God did. He started where I needed it the most, to know and feel His love. His unconditional love.

Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 4:18, “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” I couldn’t see my earthly father or his love and I never would on this earth. But I had faith in the love he had for me, and hope for something even bigger. Hope found in the promises God has given.

FAITHFULNESS – Steadfast trust in God displayed through obedience

The word “faithful/faithfulness” in Hebrew is the word emunah which is used throughout Scripture to communicate firmness, steadfastness, and fidelity. It comes from the root word aman which means to confirm, support, or believe (this is where we get our word Amen). The first time we encounter this word emunah is in the account of Abraham in Genesis 15:6, “Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.” If we were to read this from the Orthodox Jewish Bible we would find, “And he [Abram] believed in Hashem; and He credited [emunah (faith)] to him as tzedakah (righteousness).”

Truly, Abraham is one of the heroes of our faith who often comes to mind when I consider faithfulness. Abraham believed God’s promises and maintained a steadfast commitment to the LORD, despite the fact that those promises required obedience, patience, and sacrifice. Abraham left his homeland to go to a place he had never seen, waited 25 years for Sarah to bear a son, and then offered Isaac back up to God when put to the test. Though he made mistakes along the way, his faithfulness was demonstrated through trusting obedience to God.

As I pondered the word “faithfulness” in terms of a Fruit of the Spirit – a characteristic that grows out of our submission to the Holy Spirit – I wondered what does this look like in the life of a believer today? Our stories may be different from Abraham’s, but each and every day God gives us the opportunity to demonstrate faithfulness to Him through how we live our lives. The way we hold up under trial and tribulation; the way we respond to those who have wounded us; the way we spend our money and even our time; the tone we use toward those in our home who may have just stepped on our very last nerve – each seemingly minor detail of our life presents an opportunity to demonstrate to God and to the watching world where our hope is found. Is our hope in this world, which is passing away? Or is it in the eternal promises of God our Father, with Whom there is no variation or the slightest hint of change (James 1:17)?

We best demonstrate faithfulness through obedience and steadfast commitment to the LORD. Jesus said in John 14, “Those who really love me are the ones who not only know my commands but also obey them. My Father will love such people, and I will love them. I will make myself known to them…All who love me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them. My Father and I will come to them and live with them. But anyone who does not love me does not obey my teaching. This teaching that you hear is not really mine. It is from my Father who sent me.”

Our western mindset is most influenced by the Greeks. When it comes to obedience, we tend to think, “First, I must understand why, then I will do.” However, obedience from a Hebraic perspective is the opposite: “First, I must do, then I will understand why.” Too often we try understand God, instead of trusting that His way is higher (Isaiah 55:8-9). Faithfulness is a steady, devoted trust that God is Who He says He is and that He will do what He says He will do. And that, I think, is the key…our faithfulness is a direct response to how faithful we perceive our Heavenly Father to be. Do we trust that His way is best? That He seeks our good? That His thoughts are higher than ours? When we fully rest in these truths and remind ourselves of them daily, our faithfulness will grow – more and more into the likeness of Him Who is ALWAYS faithful! (2 Corinthians 3:18)

Questions to ponder:
1. In what ways have you seen God’s faithfulness demonstrated in your own life?

2. What is your view of God’s faithfulness and how does this impact your faithfulness toward Him?

3. Are there any areas in your life where you feel the LORD is calling you toward greater faithfulness? What is one thing you can do to take a step in steadfast obedience to Him?

WHERE IS GOD IN THE WAITING?

Isabel Ong

I am not the sort of girl who cries easily. But one afternoon I was suddenly and briefly overcome with emotion when listening to a song, Take Courage, by Kristene DiMarco. The lines that moved me went: “Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul / He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting.”

I’ve been on sabbatical for the past year, after eight years of slogging away in the workplace. It’s been a precious time of rest and renewal, and I have zero regrets about making this decision to step away from the frenetic pace of my former life.

On March 1, 2018, my sabbatical officially ended. And in the weeks before this day arrived, I was plagued with anxiety and fear. I had no clear directive from God as to where I should be headed and what I should be doing next. And I wanted answers. Now.

So when I heard the lines that moved me, something broke within. It was as if God was speaking to me and answering my heart’s cry. As if He was saying, “There is peace, and purpose, to be found in the waiting”. The veil over my eyes was lifted, ever so gently and lovingly.

“Perhaps God is making me, and you, wait for the same reasons that he made Abraham wait,” an article in Desiring God says. “To forge our faith. To make us attentive to his voice. To deepen our relationship. To solidify our trust. To prepare us for ministry. To transform us into his likeness.”

These are some of the ways I have grown in my season of waiting:

I’ve become wiser.

Waiting goes against my human-ness. I yearn for quick resolution and immediate satisfaction (really, who doesn’t?). But waiting has diluted my propensity for impatient and impulsive action. It’s made me realise that nothing is under my control, and that I don’t have all the answers.

It’s also allowed me to cut through the blather of this busy world and hone in on my deepest desire: to live a life pleasing to Him. And because that is now the guiding principle of my life, it’s become a lot easier to decide what to invest time and energy in, what to let go of, and what to move forward into.

I’ve stopped operating on autopilot.

While I was “gainfully employed,” I appeared to be leading a full life on the outside, but the truth is that I was running on empty. I was doing what I had to do to survive, but I constantly felt like I was dying inside. Shopping and binge-watching TV shows were my favourite ways of escaping a dreary, monotonous reality.

Waiting has brought all that to a screeching halt. It’s led me to confront myself and recognise that there are scars that still need healing, and that it’s okay to not be 100% okay. It’s showed me that I need to fuel up – not on things that temporarily satisfy and momentarily distract, but on the One from Whom living waters flow (John 4:14). And it’s caused me to me slow down and find joy in my current reality, despite its many imperfections.

I see – and sense – the needs of others more.

More often than not, the prayers I offer up lean heavily toward solving my problems or improving my circumstances. But this season has cultivated in me a keener awareness of the difficulties and struggles that others around me are facing.

Waiting has created space for me to encourage, counsel and minister. It’s helped me to see my fellow man the way Jesus sees them: loved, redeemed, and forgiven. And it’s turned my focus away from praying over my own needs to praying for others who need a touch from God more than I do.

__________

Where is God in the waiting? He is here. He has always been here. He is waiting, too – for you to run to Him and pour yourself out onto Him. He is grace, and love, and freedom. He is everything your heart desires – and so much more.

*Isabel is a writer, wanderlust-er and worshipper of Jesus. She shares about faith, lifestyle and travel on her blog izzabelle.co and Instagram account @izzabelle_co.

FIRSTFRUITS

“But as it is, Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead also comes through a man. For just as in Adam all die, so also in Christ all will be made alive.” 1 Corinthians 15:20-22

The word “firstfruits” may be unfamiliar to you; or, if you grew up in church, perhaps you have heard it defined in terms of a tithe – giving God the “first fruits” of our earnings. While that idea is not invalid, the idea of firstfruits has a much deeper, spiritual significance for those of us who have put our trust in Christ, Who has been raised from the dead.

This past weekend, believers around the world celebrated the Resurrection of Jesus. Coincidently, the Jewish feasts of Passover, Unleavened Bread, and Firstfruits coincided with our Christian celebration this year. Growing up, I understood that Passover was a holiday connected with the Israelites’ escape from Egypt and always seemed to be celebrated around Easter. However, when, as an adult, I learned that Jesus, our “Passover Lamb” (1 Corinthians 5:7), was crucified on Passover, buried on Unleavened Bread, and raised to life on Firstfruits, these foreign holidays began to take on a whole new meaning for me in my spiritual walk.

Leviticus 23 gives us insight into the biblical feasts of the Lord. God tells the people that these are His “appointed times, holy convocations” (vs 4). The Hebrew word for convocation is “miqra” which means “rehearsal meeting.” Every time an Israelite spoke of this holy convocation, they were calling it a rehearsal meeting. They understood that these feasts were rehearsals for something greater, although they did not know what. Instructions for the feast of Firstfruits are given in verses 9-14, “Speak to the Israelites and tell them: When you enter the land I am giving you and reap its harvest, you are to bring the first sheaf of your harvest to the priest. He will present the sheaf before the Lord so that you may be accepted…You must not eat bread, roasted grain, or any new grain until this very day, and until you have brought the offering to your God.” After Jesus reveals Himself to Mary Magdalene in John 20, He says in verse 17, “Don’t cling to me since I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and tell them that I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.” Jesus had not yet ascended to the Father to be accepted as a firstfruit offering and her touching Him would have defiled Him.

The Jews for Jesus website explains: “By giving God the firstfruits, Israel acknowledged that all good things come from God and that everything belongs to God. Giving the firstfruits was also a way of expressing trust in God’s provision; just as He provided the first fruits, so He would provide the rest of the crops that were needed.”

Jesus’ sacrifice as our Passover Lamb, to pay the penalty for our sins was crucial; but if it weren’t for His resurrection we would be without hope and still dead in our sins (1 Corinthians 15:12-19). John Piper says, “the resurrection of Jesus is the reward of his sacrifice. It is the proof of how perfect and all-sufficient his sacrifice was. Therefore if God does not give the reward, it is because the sacrifice is defective and our faith is futile and we are still in our sins.” But praise the Lord, because Jesus’ sacrifice was accepted by God to make atonement for our sins! And if He, the firstfruits from among the dead was accepted, so too will all who belong to Christ (1 Corinthians 15:23).

After Jesus appeared before His disciples, revealing Himself to be the risen Lord, He breathed on them so that they might receive the Holy Spirit (John 20:22) which sealed them as His own (Ephesians 1:13). Paul describes the hope we have as we await the resurrection of our own bodies in Romans chapter 8, “Not only that, but we ourselves who have the Spirit as the firstfruits—we also groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for adoption, the redemption of our bodies…For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; and those he called, he also justified; and those he justified, he also glorified.” (vs 23, 29-30).

Now as children accepted by God through Christ, we should follow the instructions of Paul in Romans 12:1, “in view of the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God; this is your true worship.” Our acceptance isn’t based on what we have done, but on what He has done for us. When we truly grasp the mercy and grace that He has given us, the only reasonable response to to live lives that are pleasing and acceptable to Him.

We who are His have the joy of His calling, the freedom of His forgiveness, and the hope of sharing in His resurrection! Don’t let the celebration of Easter fade, rejoice in it’s truth each and every day!

Questions to reflect on:

What does it mean to you that since Christ was accepted on our behalf, we don’t have to strive for acceptance from God?
What causes your spirit to inwardly groan for the redemption of our bodies at the resurrection?
How have you seen the firstfruits of His Spirit conforming you into the image of Christ?

Jenni Norsworthy

LEARNING PERSEVERANCE THROUGH SUFFERING

Sydney Kirkpatrick

Recently, I was looking up quotes on suffering and I was captivated by Helen Keller’s words —

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

This struck a chord in my heart, as I’ve spent the past few years enduring trials that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. A year ago, Keller’s words would have made me bitter, because I didn’t see how my pain would ever lead to more strength or ambition, but now, reflecting on what God has brought me through, I see incredible strength, ambition, and success that would not have been gained without my suffering.

My story of pain goes back 10 years when my battle with anxiety and depression began. Just when I thought I was beginning to overcome that struggle and use it to glorify God, life got a lot worse. I developed an autoimmune disease, a horrible gut infection, and chronic pelvic nerve pain that left me unable to care for my small kids most days. Doctors couldn’t figure out how to help me, and I was left feeling alone, scared, and miserable 24 hours a day. The pain and the heightened anxiety felt like a burden too heavy to bear. If I’m honest, I contemplated ending my life and I blaming God for it. I had so many angry conversations with God about how this was “all His fault,” and I was seriously doubting His goodness.

One discouraging day, after a trip to the ER left me with no pain-relief, I broke down and confessed my truest, darkest feelings and fears to my husband. Thankfully, he helped point me back towards the truth of Scripture. At first, it made me angry because I had spent years giving in to the lies of the Enemy that God didn’t care and He wasn’t to be trusted. Reading Scripture about suffering, made me confused and irritated, because I was trying to interpret it from the lens of my pain and my expectation of how I thought the world should be.

Then it hit me—the world should be without pain, that’s how it was originally meant to be, how God wanted it. It was because of our sin that suffering became a part of the world. I realized that I deserve far greater pain than this, but it is because of God’s goodness and faithfulness that I never have to face the pain I really deserve—because Jesus bore that pain Himself, for me.

It was the most incredible revelation when God revealed to me that He can be both good and sovereign even while allowing suffering in the world. He showed me that His allowance of pain does not negate His faithfulness. Despite how much I doubted God’s goodness, He revealed it each day. Instead of abandoning my stubborn, bitter heart, He softened it. He spoke gently to me, just like I do to my children when they are hurting. Slowly, I began to feel held and loved in the midst of the worst pain of my life.

I still didn’t understand what was happening, but I took comfort in the book of Job. I expressed my anger to God, but promised to continue to trust Him like Job did. I felt like a wounded psalmist, crying out for help and only finding peace in the promises of God. As I did this, and continued to pour out my sorrows to Him, He began to transform my heart in ways I didn’t even know I needed.

Throughout this painful journey, God opened my eyes to my pride and self-sufficiency. He showed me areas of my heart that were very far from Him and other areas that desperately needed to become more aligned with Him. The conviction came with such love and power, that a revival was stirred in my heart and my relationship with Jesus grew stronger than it had been in years. That might not have happened if my pain had never caused me to draw near to Him again.

Before my pain began, I called myself a Christian, but I was living such a comfortable, complacent life and I rarely spent quality time with God. I went to church and used my knowledge of Scripture to help me “appear” close to God, when in reality I was far from Him. It was through my suffering that God showed me how I’d been seeking the things of this world instead of Him for several years. When I hit rock bottom, I had nowhere to turn but to God. The world offered me no solution for my illness, physical pain, or anxiety. In the world, there truly was no hope left for me. But, in Christ, there is always hope.

As I continued to let God in, He continued to break down my anger towards Him. He revealed to me pieces of His plan, and how I need to trust even when things don’t make sense. I was blown away when I began to search Scripture for examples of Christ’s suffering. Hebrews 4:15 is so spot on when it says that our own Savior was tempted and tried in every way, yet he was without sin. My heart toward my suffering was especially softened when I read Luke 22. Jesus was on the Mount of Olives praying that the Father would take the cup of suffering from Him, but then He added “not my will, but yours be done.” For the first time, I realized Jesus didn’t enjoy dying on that cross for me. No part of His experience would have been enjoyable, yet Jesus was willing to do what the Father had asked him, because He trusted the plan and that the end result would be worth all of the pain.

I suddenly felt less alone in my pain, because God himself understood it. Instead of feeling debilitated, I began to feel empowered and emboldened to say to my Father, “not my will, but yours be done.” I let go of my anger towards God and began to truly trust Him and allow Him to use my pain for His glory.

This trust changed the course of my life and illness. I humbled myself, and I finally experienced the comfort and peace I’d been searching for. I was finally able to read Scripture on suffering without being bitter. James 1:2-4 took on a whole new meaning for me: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

My battle with chronic pain and autoimmune illness is not over, (though a functional medicine doctor recently has been able to help me recover from some pain), but in the midst of it I can now find joy. I am now in a frame of mind that is willing to let “perseverance finish its work” so that I can continue to mature. I’ve already seen God shape me so much through this process, and I have faith that He will continue to do so.

I refuse to believe the lies of the Enemy anymore, lies that say that God is not to be trusted and that He doesn’t care about my pain. I now choose to put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6) each day, so that I can take a stand against the Enemy’s tricky schemes and lies. I choose to believe the countless Scriptures that tell us that God is faithful and He keeps His promises (Deuteronomy 7:9), His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9), and that all suffering, crying, and pain will come to an end someday (Revelation 21:4).

As I wait for that Day, when all pain will end, I’ll continue to be encouraged by the words of Scripture and the words of Helen Keller that I shared at the beginning. Just as she discovered for herself that character is developed through suffering, I too, have now discovered this. I have experienced increased ambition and strength as a result of God using my pain to transform me. I pray that you too will find greater strength and perseverance through whatever trials you are facing.

May the Lord bless you and keep you, and make His face shine upon you (Numbers 6:24-25). Amen.

***To read more from Sydney Kirkpatrick, check out her blog, Mama of Valor. Sydney loves Jesus and theology, as well as inspiring women through the Word of God while encouraging people to faithfully press into Him in the midst of trials. If you are looking for inspiration, motivation, and empowerment or comfort, encouragement, and solidarity in the midst of a trial or suffering, we encourage you to visit her site!

RESURRECTION – His And Ours

If you’ve been in the American Christian culture for more than a minute, you probably have a pretty good idea of what to expect this Easter Sunday. Church will be packed with people in pastels. The stage will look extra fancy, and they might bring back some old familiar hymns. You’ll hear the gospel presented, and internally, you’ll say a quick prayer for those who may be hearing it for the first time.

But what about us?

Let’s turn our focus inward, and ask what the Easter message means for those of us who have already agreed that it’s true. When we confess our sins and surrender our lives to Jesus, something profound happens that links us to the Easter story in a whole new way.

In Galatians 2:20, Paul says “I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.”

So when we hear about Christ’s death, we can think about our own death. Our former self, our sinful nature, is dead. We can picture ourselves, as Paul did, on the cross with Jesus, crucified. It’s a painful thought. It seems weird, and even wrong. But until we see the need for our old selves to be put to death, we can’t be made new.

This place of admitting our need for death is a bit of a pit. It’s humility at its best, a right view of ourselves. It might take some soul-searching, and maybe some list-making. Ask yourself where you’re prone to wander. Which of your coping habits might be unhealthy. It’s embarrassing, heart-wrenching stuff, but it’s necessary for what comes next. We’re like Jesus in the tomb. “For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:3)

Praise God it doesn’t end there.

“But God, who is rich in mercy, because of his great love that he had for us, made us alive with Christ even though we were dead in trespasses.” (Ephesians 2:4-5a)

This imagery of death brought to life reminds me of this epic conversation Ezekiel had with God about the future of Israel. They were standing in a valley of dry bones, and Ezekiel writes “there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. As I looked, tendons appeared on them, flesh grew, and skin covered them…the breath entered them, and they came to life and stood on their feet.” (Ezekiel 37:7-8,10b)

Whaaat.

That is just like us! Picture yourself raised to life along with Christ, built up from nothing into a whole new person. Paul says it this way: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and see, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Jesus didn’t stay in his tomb, and He doesn’t leave us in ours either. If we’ll allow Him, He will give us abundant life in Him right here on earth. We don’t have to wrestle down our sinful desires on our own, trying to look the part of a “good” Christian. He offers to fight those battles for us, but we have to identify, and give them over to Him first. “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26)

That is something worth celebrating! He paid it all, and He raises us up. So put on your pastels, invite your friends, sing those hymns, and rejoice in the wonder of the resurrection – His and yours. That salvation prayer you prayed was only the beginning. Don’t miss out on life after death.

Ask Yourself:

Have I experienced this kind of death to my old sinful nature?
What unhealthy habits am I still holding onto?
What step can I take today to release control and allow Christ’s power to work through me?

Listen To:

Gungor – “Dry Bones”

Amanda Buccola

WHEN HEALING HURTS

Grace
*Last week we shared Grace’s story about a car accident that could have taken her life. Today she shares with us what God has taught her through the process of healing.

When I was little, my dad felled a tree in our backyard. Getting it cleaned up right away was completely ridiculous, so a giant tree layed in our yard for several months.

If you haven’t learned this about me yet, I have a very active imagination. Naturally, I was over the moon about a new “fort” to play in. I would run along the massive trunk, then duck off into “tunnels” that the branches created. My favorite game was Pirates. I wanted to be a pirate for a long time (until I realized my only real fear in life was deep water…I changed my dream after that).

My grandma always scolded me, telling me I was going to fall one day and break my neck. I secretly rolled my eyes and after she left I’d grab my red bandana and wood sword and run outside to my imaginary world of adventure on the high seas.

Well, I suppose there is a price to being a pirate. While I thankfully didn’t break my neck, my Grandma ended up being right (suprise, suprise). One day, while I was fighting bad guys off my ship, my leg slipped. I was wearing shorts, and the entire back of my left leg slid off the trunk, scraping the rough bark all the way down.

I can’t remember how I landed, I think I ended up straddling the tree trunk. I do still remember the harsh stinging on the back of my leg and the blood trickling down to my ankle. Like any good pirate, I got up and tried to shake it off. However, after a few short minutes, it hurt too much and I couldn’t even bend my knee, so I begrudgingly went inside and admitted defeat.

My mom was a bit shocked at how badly I was injured, but not surprised I fell. I laid down on the couch on my belly as she put antibiotics on the massive scrape and bandaged it up. I cried more when she was dressing it than I did when it first happened. I knew she was only helping, but it stung so much. She then gave me a long hug and pampered me a bit the rest of the day. It still hurt a lot though, especially trying to sleep.

The following Sunday, I made sure to wear a shorter skirt instead of a long one, so I could show off my battle wounds.

Healing mentally is a lot like that story from my childhood.

I’m not sure how you were hurt, we all have vast life experiences that make us each unique. I’ve been hurt quite a few times by life (mentally and physically), but I’m going to focus on my mental and emotional struggle following my accident.

The actual accident was terrifying, to say the least. While I didn’t have a lot of time to think, I had enough time to register that I could die. In fact, I thought I was going to die. While the moment was horrendous, I wouldn’t say it was painful. Even the days after the accident were not hurtful, because I had entirely frozen over.

It was only once I began to thaw, that the pain started. This is a common theme in life. I think of addicts – the pain for them only begins when they start to heal.

So many people go decades carrying hurt around with them everyday, because they become numb to the pain. While you have this giant weight on your shoulders, it hurts much more to address it and begin healing than it does to turn off completely. You become so comfortable in the comatose state that you don’t want to leave. You wander through life with your eyes closed: going to work, going to church, even hanging out with friends and family. On the outside, you’re just yourself. But on the inside you can’t remember the last time you truly felt anything real.

Healing takes courage.

GRIEF – Darkness And Pain That Opens Our Eyes To Truly See God

“I had heard reports about you, but now my eyes have seen you.” Job 42:5

After we lost our daughter, I found myself face to face with the G-word…well, it was more like one of those scenes, where I said to Grief, “You. Me. Outside. Now.” I had planned to confront it head on and kick its little butt…climb up each rung of the ladder getting me from denial to acceptance so I could move forward. But I found myself in the parking lot alone, glancing at my watch…waiting for this Grief to show up so I could persevere through my plan of conquering it…so I could finally have an answer when well-meaning people asked me, “Where are you in your grief? How are you dealing with everything?”

However, as I was waiting for Grief to show up as the predictable process I had prepared myself for, I was blindsided by an unpredictable tsunami. Much like the scene in Exodus, when Pharaoh’s men were overtaken by the Red Sea, the wave of Grief rushed over me. Grief is much more like an ocean than a tidy chart of stages. It’s sometimes calm and smooth, and other times roaring and choppy. The waves can push you from one feeling or “stage” in an instant without warning. Sometimes it swallows you whole and other times you grab a surfboard and ride the waves. It’s unpredictable and different for every person.

I wanted so badly to get to know my enemy, Grief, so I could defeat it. But the truth is, Grief is not the enemy. Satan is. He wants to use our grief to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). But God wants to use it for His glory and ultimate purpose. What Satan intends for evil, God intends for good (Genesis 50:20). What we do know about Grief is that it followed The Fall. When sin entered the world so did shame, suffering, and death…and where those are, Grief is also. The Jesus Storybook Bible tells it like this, “And terrible pain came into God’s heart. His children hadn’t just broken the one rule; they had broken God’s heart. They had broken their wonderful relationship with him. And now He knew everything else would break. God’s creation would start to unravel, and come undone, and go wrong. From now on everything would die – even though it was all supposed to live forever. You see, sin had come into God’s perfect world. And it would never leave. God’s children would always be running away from him and hiding in the dark. Their hearts would break now and never work properly again.”

But God’s love for His children couldn’t let the story end there…The result of The Fall, paired with God’s love for us, culminates on the Cross—where God separates Himself from Jesus.

The night prior to the crucifixion, in Jesus’ prayer in Gethsemane, we hear His deep intimacy with the Father—a balance of the heart’s deepest longing and surrender to the complete sovereignty of God. “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39). The grief and mourning that occurred that night was not in anticipation of His death…He was grieving and anticipating the loss of God’s presence (sound familiar?)—the darkness and pain that would be brought upon Jesus because of His separation from God.

“God was going to pour into Jesus’ heart all the sadness and brokenness in people’s hearts. He was going to pour into Jesus’ body all the sickness in people’s bodies. God was going to have to blame his son for everything that had gone wrong. It would crush Jesus. But there was something else, something even more horrible. When people ran away from God, they lost God—it was what happened when they ran away. Not being close to God was like a punishment. Jesus was going to take that punishment. Jesus knew what that meant. He was going to lose his Father—and that, Jesus knew, would break his heart in two. Violent sobs shook Jesus’ whole body. Then Jesus was quiet. Like a lamb. ‘I trust you, Papa,’ he said. ‘Whatever you say, I will do.’…
“Later on the cross—‘Papa?’ Jesus cried, frantically searching the sky. ‘Papa? Where are you? Don’t leave me!’ And for the first time—and the last—when he spoke, nothing happened. Just a horrible, endless silence, God didn’t answer. He turned away from his Boy. Tears rolled down Jesus’ face. The face of the One who would wipe away every tear from every eye.” -Jesus Storybook Bible

Jesus was separated from God in that moment so that we never have to be.

This is why Peter tells us to rejoice in our suffering (1 Peter 1:6). This is why David can sing a new song through persecution, fear, regret, and loss (Psalm 40:3). When you read the psalms of David you see he is deeply afflicted and grieved; however, it’s hard to find a psalm that does not talk about giving thanks to the Lord through his sorrow, fears, and regrets…and singing a new song in response. We can rejoice because our grief builds our trust in God. We can rejoice because our grief gives us a deepened experience with God, placing us humbly under His hand and allowing for greater intimacy with Him.

We see this in the story of Job. Throughout his intense suffering, he longs for answers and restoration. He has doubts and even questions the Lord. God then speaks, revealing Himself to Job through a whirlwind of questions and revelations. Job replies, “I had heard reports about you, but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore, I reject my words and am sorry for them; I am dust and ashes” (Job 42:5-6). “Job realized that even though he had feared and followed God, he hadn’t really known God. Through suffering, however, God had revealed himself to Job in an unmistakable, intimate way.” (Nancy Guthrie, Holding onto Hope).

In the moment of separation from His Father, Jesus experienced hopeless despair and utter darkness. Something that, even in our deepest grief, we never have to experience. Isaiah 43:2 says, “When you pass through the waters,I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.” When the tsunami hits we are never without the hope of Christ. He does not allow us to be swallowed in despair by the Red Sea, but in time, He splits the waters, preparing a way through it. The Israelites were never the same when they reached the other side of the Sea. Like Job, they had experienced God in a way that would change them forever…they were free! And their path to freedom was through deep waters, giving way to greater trust and intimacy with God. We can rejoice in our suffering because “It is Finished.”

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things have passed away…Look, I am making everything new.”

Revelation 21:4-5

Here are some questions to help you process grief in your own life:

1. How has grief allowed you to deepen your faith and intimacy with the Lord?

2. How does God’s Word comfort you and give you peace in your grieving?

3. Do you feel stuck in the unpredictable process of grief? What would help you give your grief over to the Lord and trust that He cares for you?

Lauren Scurry