Ebenezer Collective

THE NIGHT I COULD HAVE DIED

*Today’s story was shared with us by a fellow blogger, Grace. This will be part one of two that she has allowed us to share with you from her blog, The Adventures Ahead.

It was pitch black out; the freeway was surprisingly empty. I was traveling home after a fun day visiting friends. A song came on the radio that I didn’t like, so I switched the channel. I liked the new song, so I turned it up and started singing along. I’d been traveling in the left lane for a while. So I checked my blind spot, switched on my blinker and moved over to the right lane just like I’ve done a million times before.

I was going 73 MPH.

I squinted, “Is something in the road?”

Too late.

I jerked the steering wheel to the left, but not in time. A sound echoed in my ears, one that still haunts me to this day – Metal against metal, scraping, tires squealing on the blacktop.

My head was spinning… I was spinning.

One Mississippi; “What did I just hit?”
Two Mississippi; “You’re fine. Just steer out of it, like ice.”
Three Mississippi; “You’re not steering yourself out of this one, Grace.”
Four Mississippi; “I’m flying into Northbound traffic.”
Five Mississippi; “I’m going to die.”
Six Mississippi; “Please God. Please God. Please…”

I don’t even know what I was begging Him for.

As quickly as it all began, it was over.

My head was spinning. I didn’t lose consciousness, but I couldn’t figure out where I was or what was going on. I blinked fast through my groggy eyes. Darkness surrounded me.

“You’re alive,” I told myself.

I breathed: In, out. In, out.

Light slowly started coming back to me. Fast lights, zooming by in front of me. “Cars. I’m facing the freeway.”

In, out. In, out. More light.
A Billboard.
In, out. In, out.

Someone tapped on my window. I opened my door a bit.

“Whoa! Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

I shook my head, trying to clear all my thoughts. “No, no. I don’t think so. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? My girlfriend’s calling 911. Just hang tight.”

“Where am I?” I thought. I could have sworn I had flown across Northbound traffic.

“No no, I’m fine.” I insisted. I opened my door and climbed out. “I’m glad I wore Sorel’s, there’s a ton of snow out here.” I started shivering.

To my right, 5 or so cars were stopped on the side of the freeway, some men were out of their vehicles. It was chaos. Loud shouts filled my ears: “What did she hit?” “Is she okay?” “Was anyone hurt?” “Is someone calling 911?”

I turned to my left: more cars zooming passed me.

I hadn’t crossed Northbound traffic. I was in the median. My memory, already fuzzy, of the exact accident became more jumbled. It seems like I was spinning for hours – how had I not gone further than the median?

I walked to the front of my Jeep, the darkness surrounded me; I could feel it creeping into my very soul, taking hold of me. Fear of the unknown gripped me as I tried to make out the damage to my Jeep. As I walked to the front, I could see my entire front end entangled in the steel wire barrier. Steel wires that inevitably saved my life.

It was cold. I felt a shiver down to my core. My head began to spin again. My stomach was doing summersaults, my breathing fast and frantic. For a moment, I thought I may pass out.

Breath: In, out. In, out.

I got back in my Jeep and made some phone calls. I unlocked my phone, calling the first person that came to mind. My dad answered, but quickly handed the phone to my mom. Within minutes, I knew someone was on the way.

To the outside world, the chaos had ceased.

The night was silent again. Lights flashed before my eyes as people carried on with their lives. All the stopped vehicles had gone, and all that was left was a terrified young woman and a ‘99 Jeep XJ with it’s flashers on, trapped in a foot of snow, in the middle of a ditch dividing the highway.

A little while later, first responders showed up. A police report was made and a tow truck came to pull my precious Jeep out of the steel wires, hauling it away to the nearest body shop.

Inside of me, the chaos had only begun. I climbed into my mom’s minivan and unexpectedly drove into one of the hardest weeks of my life.

I never really understood depression or anxiety before. I knew the textbook answers, and I have a few friends on Facebook who always post “Mental health awareness” kinds of posts, but I never understood it first hand.

That is until the 2 weeks following my accident.

I’m an expert at avoiding feelings and at dealing with stuff by myself. Not saying it’s healthy, but it’s just how I deal with really sucky situations. The fact that I couldn’t just shake off the accident bothered me night and day.

The 2 or 3 days following, I couldn’t think of anything else. It was as if I was incapable of using my brain for anything but re-imagining that night over and over and over again. The sound of the crash. The feeling of thinking I was flying into Northbound traffic. I could die at any moment. I often felt paralyzed from the fear that gripped my soul. I calculated exactly 3 specific ways that night could have gone differently and I wouldn’t be here writing this post now.

I had several nightmares the following weeks, never recreating the accident, but always involving me losing control of my vehicle. I’d wake up in a panic, sweating and breathing heavily from the graphic images of my car spinning across the highway.

If the traumatic experience wasn’t enough, the stress of losing my freedom and having to make a lot of decisions caused the real stress and anxiety to sink in. To the world, and even my family, I was just getting through life. Normal every day. Get up, go to work, ect. On the inside, I was either going back to that night or over-thinking big decisions that were looming.

“Should I put money into fixing my Jeep?”
“What if I move soon and don’t take my Jeep? Then I put money into it and it just sits”
“What if I don’t fix it, but end up needing it?”
“What if I fix it, but it breaks down again?”

I made myself physically ill from all the stress.

I had no motivation. I can be lazy at times, but this was different. I literally could have just stayed in bed all day every day. I let my blog sit the few weeks following, I didn’t have the energy to put into anything.

I was exhausted all. the. time.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

I felt guilty for feeling so depressed. In all honesty, my accident was extremely minor. I’ve heard stories of people who have survived far worse. Who was I to feel so horrible after such a minor incident?

Looking back, I realize I had such an extreme reaction to a minor situation because I was already struggling mentally before the accident. After I stopped spinning, I thought “God gave me a second chance. I’m going to use it.” But as soon as I got home that night, that thought went out the window.

I didn’t care that God gave me a second chance. I didn’t care about anything.

My heart had completely frozen over. The freezing started back in July, with the sudden loss of one of my best friends, but the accident was the last straw, so to speak. I knew my heart was frozen, I just didn’t care.

But then, slowly, it started thawing.

I didn’t have a theatrical moment where I suddenly broke free from all the depression and anxiety. I didn’t fall on my knees and beg God to forgive me in a dramatic scene like movies often depict.

While things didn’t get better overnight, I was able to relax over the next few weeks. I made decisions regarding my Jeep. I was able to start enjoying life again without the exhaustion and fear that previously held me captive.

It’s like God answered a prayer I didn’t even know I was praying. A lot of inspiring books and movies will probably tell you that they first asked God for forgiveness, then life got better. But in my case, God made my life a bit better and that ultimately brought me back to Him.

I didn’t wake up one day and suddenly decide I wanted to start reading my Bible again, it was a slow process of surrender. Each day I would find a way to come back to God in a small way. Rather than dragging myself to my awful job, I tried to thank God that I was alive and had a job. Instead of sitting in my bed wishing I didn’t have to spend $1,000 on my Jeep, I made up my mind to trust God that He had a reason for my accident.

And you know what? He really did. Everyone has a story, whether it’s filled with traumatic car accidents or everyday life. Because of my accident, I feel I can connect with people a lot more now. I have more advice and help to give, I have more stories to share, and I am living proof that not only God exists, but He ultimately has a plan.

Those 3 small ways I calculated could have drastically changed the outcome of that night. Clearly, God had other plans.

I was in the shower when the idea for a blog series on dreaming entered my head. I knew I had finally rounded the corner. A few days later, “Let’s Dream” was born. A few months later, “Let’s Dream” has not only taken my blog off, but it’s turned into a live event, and an online workshop is in the making!

A bizarre accident gave me fear, mild depression, anxiety, and loneliness.
God gave me hope, a vision for the future, and comfort.

Oh, and by the way…that thing I hit in the middle of the freeway? It was a freakin’ dishwasher.

***Meet Grace! She is passionate about Jesus, Dreams, and Helping People. All three passions come together in her blog “The Adventures Ahead” (theadventuresahead.com) On the blog, you will find stories of her struggles, wins, and the occasional story of life as a camp counselor. Grace founded “Let’s Dream” and “Real Life Dreamers” Blog series that are centered around helping real people dream big, whether they are 16 or 65! When she’s not working or blogging, Grace enjoys anything outside, drinking coffee, reading books (usually Sherlock Holmes), and spontaneous adventures with friends.

PRAYER – A direct line of communication with our Heavenly Father

Recently, friends of ours have shared specific prayers that they have prayed for my husband and me. Years ago, they prayed fervently and often for us to come to know Jesus and have a relationship with Him. They even wrote our names on the floor of our church, underneath the main worship center, crying out to God to save us. Our pastor stands right on top of this very spot every Sunday, proclaiming the Good News of Jesus to the city of Dallas. Our friends knew that they themselves couldn’t change our hearts to see the Lord or make us acknowledge His goodness and the truth of His Son, but they knew Who could.

We see examples of this in God’s Word: Abraham pleads for the people of Sodom (Genesis 18), Moses pleas for Pharaoh and the Hebrew people (Exodus 6 & 15), and David prays for the heart of his son, Solomon (1 Chronicles 29). Many believers today are pleading for the salvation of others. Honest pleas to God, “Save my friends and family, bring them into a relationship with You!” No special words or rituals are involved, just pure hearts being poured out for others to God. Paul tells us that we should pray without being anxious, pray about everything, and with thankful hearts. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Do you remember the WWJD bracelets? Have you ever thought about how Jesus made decisions? The Gospels reveal how important seeking the will of His Father was, through prayer. You may ask, isn’t He God in the flesh? It’s true – He was both human and divine. The human side of Jesus was like us, He was the Son speaking with His Father. Just like Jesus, we are God’s children, and we need to speak with our Heavenly Father as well. Prayer is is our primary means to experience God.

In the life of Jesus, we see many examples of Him taking time to pray. He prayed in the morning (Mark 1:35), in the evening (Matthew 14:23), when others were being baptized (Luke 3:21). He prayed frequently (Luke 5:16), constantly, and without ceasing (Luke 18:12). He prayed before He raised Lazarus from the dead, “Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, ‘Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.’” (John 11:41-42). He prayed over food and provision, praising His Father (Luke 9:16), He prayed for the will of God over His own (Luke 22:42), and He even prayed for those persecuting Him (Luke 23:34). In John 17, we see Jesus pray for Himself, His disciples, and all who would believe, and in Luke 11 He teaches His disciples, and us, how to pray.

When we pray we are talking directly to God, and as we pray, our relationship develops and deepens with Him. Prayer demonstrates our trust and utter dependence upon the Lord and it is also our most powerful tool against satan. Ephesians 6:18 says, “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” Don’t you think the enemy wants to discourage you from practicing prayer regularly?! HE DOES. He doesn’t want you connected to God, relying on God, waiting on God. The enemy wants us to do it all on our own without asking our Father in heaven what He thinks or how we should make decisions. The enemy wants to do everything he can to hinder an intimate relationship with God. Ephesians 6:11-12 says, “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Prayer enables us to stand against the enemy, to take back our lives and families, as we fully rely on the Lord Who is the One fighting our battles against the powers of darkness and spiritual evil.

John 6:44 tells us, “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them,” It is God who draws us to Himself, but we also know He hears the prayers of the righteous (Proverbs 15:59). I challenge you to reflect on what God has done for you, recount the prayers God has answered for you and for those around you. I know my friends’ prayers from the beginning of this post were answered, because my husband and I have come to a saving faith, living an abundant life, basking in His reckless love. Our marriage has been redeemed, and we trust God to lead us to be loving, gracious parents. God has brought healing from anxiety, freed me from the bondage and brokenness of trauma and sexual abuse, and has shown me how to forgive those who have hurt me. All of this is possible because two people saw our need and prayed. Fervently.

The Bible is God’s love letter to us. Sixty-six books, from Genesis to Revelation, that reveal God chasing us and pursuing us. Before we were born and while we were yet sinners, He says, “I love you.” Prayer is a means of responding back to God, admitting that He is greater and knows what is best in any given situation. Not my will, but Your will be done. Prayer is not seeking our own will, but seeking to align ourselves with the will of God more fully (1 John 5:14-15, James 4:3). God is after our hearts. Talk to Him like you would your best friend – the words don’t have to be perfect or eloquent. “Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:8) God already knows what we want and need, but He is eagerly awaiting to hear our voices cry out to Him. Cry out to God, Who will fulfill His purpose for you! (Ps 57:2)

You see, the power of prayer is truly powerful.

We invite you to prayerfully reflect on these questions:

Is there someone you can be praying for that doesn’t know Jesus? If not, perhaps you can pray for an opportunity to share the Good News with a non-believer.
Are you demonstrating your dependence on our Father by consistently going to Him in prayer – in the morning, in the evening, in praise, in thanksgiving, in suffering?
Do you approach prayer believing that God can, will, and wants to hear from you and fight for you?

Amy Merritt

HUMILITY – A powerful weapon in the hand of God

You may not think of humility as a weapon, but I would like to make the case that, in the hands of God, humility has the power to wield amazing strength in your life.

Psalm 10:4 says, “In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.” Pride causes us to inflate ourselves and make little of God, whereas humility is to inflate God and make little of ourselves. Scripture promises that when we approach God in humility and seek Him with reverence and fear, He will lift us up:

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” James 4:10
“Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor.” Proverbs 29:23
“Humility is the fear of the Lord; its wages are riches and honor and life.” Proverbs 22:4
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:6

There is actually a beautiful picture of this idea in the Hebrew letter, nun. The Hebrew language, which began as a form of pictographs, is rich and complex, with each letter representing specific ideas and concepts. Sprouting, enduring, continuation of life, eternity, and faithfulness are all associated with the letter nun. The Jewish scribes consider the nun to represent a person bent over in humility, since true faithfulness comes through humble submission to the Lord.

As one of five letters with a final form, the nun resembles another letter – an enlarged zayin. This letter is standing upright, which the scribes believe indicates that those who are bent in humility in this life, will be raised in honor in the next. The zayin represents a weapon, specifically the Sword of the Spirit. This presents the idea that humility is a powerful weapon. In Deuteronomy 8:3 it says, “Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, a food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.” In recognizing that manna represents God’s Word, we can make the connection that until we are humbled, we cannot truly receive God’s Word into our hearts. Psalm 119:67 says, “Before I was humbled, I used to go astray; but now I observe your word.” I recognize this in my own life – I had lots of head knowledge about God’s Word, but I lacked humility and, therefore, lacked repentance. God’s Word never truly sunk in and began a good work in me until I recognized my own sinfulness and my personal need for a Savior.

Look at what God’s Word says about Moses in Numbers 12:3, “Moses was a very humble man, more so than anyone on the face of the earth.” Just a few verses later, the Lord says to Aaron and Miriam, who have become puffed up with pride, “Listen to what I say: If there is a prophet among you from the Lord, I make myself known to him in a vision; I speak with him in a dream. Not so with my servant Moses; he is faithful in all my household. I speak with him directly, openly, and not in riddles; he sees the form of the Lord.” I don’t know about you, but I want what Moses had – open, direct communication with God! It seems that the secret was his humility, which again reveals a beautiful idea found in the Hebrew language. The word humble is shach, which literally means “to destroy the wall.” Humility is a weapon that tears down walls, specifically between us and God Almighty!

When we view humility as a strong weapon, one that enlarges the Sword of the Spirit in our lives as faithful followers of Jesus, we can see how the Word of God, alive and active, wages war in the manner Paul describes in 2 Corinthians 10:3-6, “For although we do live in the world, we do not wage war in a worldly way; because the weapons we use to wage war are not worldly. On the contrary, they have God’s power for demolishing strongholds. We demolish arguments and every arrogance that raises itself up against the knowledge of God; we take every thought captive and make it obey the Messiah.”

There is POWER in the Word of God, and when we truly humble ourselves before Him, abide in Him, seek His way – He enlarges the power of His Word in our lives – like a double-edge sword, cutting deep, dividing soul and spirit and exposing our thoughts and attitudes. (Hebrews 4:13)

We humbly ask that you consider some of these questions today:
1. Are there any relationships in your life that are being hindered by walls of pride?

2. What would it look like to step out in humility to begin the process of “tearing down the wall”?

3. Have you truly humbled yourself before the Lord, trusting that He is the One Who can and will raise you up?

Jenni Norsworthy

BEAUTIFUL GRACE

Stephanie

On June 13, 2012, I found myself alone in a McDonald’s bathroom stall staring at two pink lines. Two pink lines that other people pray for, cry out to the Lord for; and yet, here they were, right in front of me – single and 21 years old. I honestly don’t know what was going through my mind as I walked out of that McDonald’s and got on the subway. I think I was in shock. The first three friends I talked to had all had abortions in the past. While I desperately wanted a “way out” of this problem, I knew that abortion wasn’t a real way out.

The words that continually kept playing in my mind were, “I knit you together in your mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:13) I knew this baby inside of me was knit together by God, regardless of how I felt, my circumstances, or the choices I had made. So for the first time in a long time, when faced with a crisis, I turned to the one true Giver of life. I saw once again how, left to my own devices, I make a mess of things. And how my sin doesn’t just affect me, but affects everyone around me.

By God’s grace, I knew the answer wasn’t going to be found in any of my old coping mechanisms, nor was it going to be found in trying to rid myself of this tiny life. I knew the baby inside me wasn’t the problem – even though it really felt like that at the time. I began praying for peace and acceptance. That was it. That was all I could pray for. One night in August, God answered my prayer. I was so flooded with acceptance over my pregnancy and filled with the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7) I hadn’t experienced that from God in a long time, if ever. I was left forever changed.

I first heard the song “Beautiful Things” during my pregnancy and couldn’t stop listening to it. I had it on repeat every day. Even before she was born, I just knew that in all this pain God was making something beautiful out of my circumstances. This time, I was ready to go confidently to the throne of grace and accept mercy and grace in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

On December 22, I moved back home to Dallas, TX. It wasn’t easy walking back into church as the pastor’s daughter – unwed and 7 months pregnant. Yet the love and acceptance I received from the church body was more than I could have ever imagined. The church welcomed me back just like the father welcomed back his prodigal son in Luke 15. Even before she was born, God was redeeming my story and helping others do the same. So many people would come up to my dad and tell him their own stories, some of which had never been shared before, all because they saw the way he and the church responded to my pregnancy. By not trying to keep my sin hidden, I met so many people who willingly opened up to me about their own experiences.

Nine days after her scheduled arrival, little Miss Zuri Grace entered the world. Her name means “beautiful grace” and, oh, how our life continues to reflect that because of what God has done in our hearts! Since Zuri was born, people have blessed us with the most beautiful gifts, above and beyond what I could have ever imagined. God showed me through His people that He wants to give life abundantly, regardless of what I have done, but out of His great love for me and this sweet life. God showed me how He provides for His children and how He will continue to provide for me.

I had a picture in my mind of what motherhood would look like. I had accepted that I would struggle, work hard, and barely make ends meet. I thought that’s what I deserved. But I never got what I deserved. Instead, Zuri wore hand-smocked dresses and was wrapped in beautifully woven quilts. After she was born we were both given beautiful pearl necklaces. She was even given a piggy bank from Tiffany’s – of all the things to give a baby – completely useless! It sounds ridiculous, right? But that’s the Father that loves me. He doesn’t always just give what is practical and needed. He throws parties because He loves to rejoice and He gives gifts because He loves to give freely. Because He knows that my love language is gifts, He spoke personally to my heart.

A few months after she was born, we did the parent-child dedication at our church. I remember feeling so uncomfortable standing up there at the end of the line, looking at the row of couples before me. Each time they pray, they ask for those who came to support the family to stand up. I figured there would be a good number of people standing for me. But when the pastor asked for people to stand on my behalf, I looked up to see the entire congregation standing. A moment of impact. A moment where God shattered those lies I had believed that people would leave, because standing in front of me was an entire church body that was saying, “We are here for you.” They then proved it by the way they loved us, provided for us, and prayed with us and for us.

Zuri Grace turned five today and God has continued to provide for us in the last five years just as much as he did in the first year. God is good. God loves us no matter what. There is never anything I can do to earn or lose God’s love.

REFLECTION – An opportunity to see God’s heart toward us and examine our heart toward Him

Over the past few years, reflection has become one of the most impactful forms of worship in my life. Shockingly, it’s not because I’m reflecting on how many amazing PB&J sandwiches I’ve made, or on how many diapers I’ve changed with one hand while doing the Itsy Bitsy Spider with the other hand just to keep my baby from screaming at me and kicking me in the face. I mean, yes, obviously those things are AMAZING, and I’m probably the best mom in Dallas – but, no. What I’m talking about here is reflecting on some things that have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with a God Who loves me and Who is constantly working miracles in my life.

Psalm 9:1 says, “I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.” From big, huge things like turning an affair into the best thing that ever happened to my marriage; to smaller things like using my anger toward my children to teach our whole family countless lessons about forgiveness and grace. My God never stops showing me how good He is and how involved He is in the details of my life. I never want to stop taking time to reflect. Sometimes it looks like me sitting down in a coffee shop recording His most recent miracles in my journal; yet sometimes it’s having a conversation with my husband or a good friend, telling stories about all the things He’s done lately. Reflecting never fails to draw me closer to Him and remind me that I follow a trustworthy, faithful God.

Reflection also allows us to examine ourselves and make changes in the way we are living in order to follow Christ more closely. Proverbs 27:19 says, “As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart.” Just as the reflection in the water will show us a picture of ourselves, the pieces of our lives such as our relationships, how we spend our money, and the way we use our time, will allow us to see a pretty accurate portrayal of the condition of our hearts. And we must guard our hearts because, as Proverbs 4:23 says, our hearts determine the course of our lives. We need to use the discipline of reflection to keep an eye on the condition of our heart and to keep pointing ourselves back to Jesus.

In 1 Corinthians 11, Paul recounts how Jesus told His disciples to eat and drink in remembrance of Him, but in verses 28-29 Paul says, “Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.” When given an opportunity to reflect on what God has done, He then commands us to take that opportunity and examine ourselves as well. To partake in reflection, only to go right back out and do whatever we were doing beforehand, is sinful. However, if our reflection leads us to repentance, we’re on the right track!

Let’s be clear here, I’m not saying that all of the things I’ve reflected on felt good when I was going through them…um no, absolutely not! But PATIENCE, my friends! I know, I know… sometimes it feels like we have no more patience to give. We are patiently waiting for that promotion that was promised to us months ago, and we are patient when our child takes no less than 500 minutes to put their shoes on – patience is hard. I agree. But if we’re not patient with the Lord before we jump to conclusions that His plan is not right, simply because it’s not the plan we envisioned, we are shortchanging ourselves! In John 13, Jesus knows He is about to leave His disciples to be with God in Heaven. As He begins to wash their feet, some of the disciples doubt that this is what He should do. In verse 7 He says, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” Isn’t this the story of our lives?! The disciples don’t realize at the time that He is about to depart from them and that He wants to bless them and teach them a lesson about blessing others. So many times in our own lives, this is exactly what’s going on. Something is happening that maybe doesn’t feel right or comfortable, but we just haven’t found out yet that God is teaching us something that will change us forever. We must be patient and continue reflecting, so that we don’t miss these amazing gifts our God is trying to give us!

Here are some questions to help you take some time to reflect today:
1. Think back over the past month, where and how have you seen God’s fingerprints in your life?

2. When you consider the ways in which God has provided, redeemed, rescued, or sustained you, how does this draw you closer to Him? What aspects of His character stand out the most?

3. What are some practical steps you can take that would allow you to make reflection a consistent discipline in your life? (ie: journaling, telling a friend, blogging, etc…and check out our brand new shop for some more fun ideas!)

*More scripture to reflect on:
Psalm 106:1-2
Psalm 116:7
John 1:16
Romans 2:4
Romans 12
James 1:22-25

Eleanor Boynton

CHAINED BY INSECURITY TO FREEDOM IN CHRIST

Rachel Elizabeth Harding

Insecurity. This defined my life. I always felt too tall, too awkward, or too unattractive. These deep insecurities became painfully present when I began dating in high school. In order to receive male affection, I allowed myself to be used emotionally and physically. In those moments, I felt desired and wanted. Those fleeting, empty encounters made me feel worthy. But when I laid my head down at night, I was broken. The shame from my choices was unbearable. My appetite for validation had grown, while my self-worth deteriorated. I naively attributed this to my relationship with God. I wanted God to remove the consequences of my actions, so I could continue doing whatever I wanted. I never questioned God’s existence, but I did doubt His goodness. I saw God as a legalistic Father Who was always disappointed in me. After parting ways with God, my negative behaviors and partying intensified. I was partying hard and attempting to numb my pain. It all culminated one night at a party where I was raped. This was a whole new level of broken that I didn’t think was possible. I felt so worthless that I told myself I deserved this, and that this was my fault. I carried this burden and believed this lie for years.

After my assault, I couldn’t go back to the parties I had once thrown myself into. My life eventually calmed down, and I tried my hardest to put the past and painful memories behind me. I was graduating high school and off to the college of my choice. I had no real need for a God to follow because my life was back on track. My first couple of years in college were great. I loved my roommates, joined a sorority, and had my older brother down the street. However, as I got to know the people around me, no one seemed to have a past or baggage like mine. I felt like my past was a heavy burden that weighed me down. It was during this time that I began to hear a lie in my head that I was unworthy, damaged, and dirty.

Comparing myself to others was a constant distraction. I felt out of control and longed for the comfort of stability. I hated myself and could barely look at myself in the mirror. I looked for areas of my life that I could exert the most control over, and this area was food. It began as a simple diet by restricting certain foods, but ultimately, it became an all-consuming eating disorder. I quickly became a shell of my former self, emotionally and physically. The emotional pain and depression that accompanied my eating disorder led me to self-harm in an attempt to alleviate my pain. I would often lay in bed and pray for God to end it so I would be free from my prison. With the help of hindsight, I know that it was God Who brought me to a place where I was open and receptive to treatment. I spent the summer after my junior year in a treatment facility. Once there, I was randomly assigned a counselor who turned out to be a Christian. God used her to help me believe that I was worthy and had value. By God’s grace, I didn’t have to take time off from college and I was able to graduate on time. However, I still didn’t feel whole. Treatment had been really helpful and necessary, but it didn’t take away the shame of my past decisions or the anger that I felt toward my abuser.

It wasn’t until I moved to Dallas for graduate school, that my relationship with God changed. My brother invited me to a young adult service called The Porch. Every Tuesday, thousands of young adults gathered to worship and hear a sermon geared toward our life stages. I was surrounded by peers who were so authentic and real about their current struggles and past regrets. That’s when I realized the Church is full of broken people who have recognized that they need help. While each person’s story was different, they all shared one major component: their lives and hearts had been transformed from encountering and trusting Jesus Christ. I longed to experience this same kind of life transformation. To be made new again and be free from my shame, guilt, anger, need for others’ approval, and insecurities. It seemed like an impossible task, but something I so desperately craved.

When I began to study the Bible and learn more about God’s love, my deepest insecurities flared up again. “I am not worthy.” “God wouldn’t love me if He knew all the things I had done.” I prayed for God to help me trust Him and take Him at His word. God was faithful and answered my prayers. One Sunday after another, my lies were confronted with God’s beautiful, perfect, loving truth. “Christ’s radical forgiveness doesn’t belittle my sin, but magnifies His amazing grace.”

Romans 3:23, says “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I finally understood that there was nothing I could do to atone for or make up for all the wrong I had done. I didn’t need more second chances; I needed a Savior. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God knows me completely. He is omnipresent and all-powerful. This means in my lowest moments and darkest times, He was with me. He is not surprised by my failures and yet He loves me enough to take on the penalty for my sins. The cost of my sins was paid for by a God who died so that I may experience life and life abundantly. What kind of God is this that would take on my sin, shame, and guilt? One that loves me more than I could ever hope to fully comprehend this side of eternity! This realization gave new meaning to Amazing Grace. Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I am chosen, holy, and blameless before God (Ephesians 1:4). It was then that I fully understood the Gospel. I trusted in the free gift of Jesus’ sacrifice for my life and my heart began to change.

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away–look, what is new has come.” I now have a new life in Christ. My past no longer defines me, I am no longer a slave to shame and insecurity. I truly never thought I would be able to experience healing from my sexual abuse and offer forgiveness to my perpetrator, regardless of whether he ever repents. I wish I could say that I no longer struggle with insecurities, forgiveness, or the need for approval. However, Jesus warns us in John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Daily, I rely on on prayer and God’s Word to lead me through these troubles. God doesn’t always change my circumstances, but He will change me. I have tried life my way and was left broken, starved, and empty. With Christ as the center of my life, I am redeemed, loved, and satisfied.

REPENTANCE: A HEART TURNED TOWARDS THE LORD

I think we like to believe that putting our faith in God is a one-and-done thing. We confess our sin, profess faith in Jesus, and have assurance that we will be with Him in heaven for eternity. Salvation is a simple transaction, yes, but the Bible also has a lot to say about the rest of our lives as believers here on earth. The more we get to know God, the more we become aware of how far we are from His perfection. That’s exactly where our repentance journey begins.

When a person starts to understand the magnitude of grace they’ve been given by God, the natural response is repentance. That is, a complete reversal of their former ways. There is an initial repentance that leads to salvation, but after that, there is also a lifetime of turning from everyday struggles, big and small, on a journey to becoming more and more like Christ.

Psalm 51 gives us a beautiful picture of a repentant heart. It’s King David’s cry for mercy after his famous sin snowball of laziness, indulgence, adultery, deceit, and murder. The following are some elements of his prayer that can be applied in every believer’s life.

A repentant heart calls on God’s goodness. “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.” (v.1)

We serve an abundantly kind and compassionate God. When we pray to Him for mercy, we can call on those forgiving characteristics to cover our brokenness and sin. His love is unfailing. That means we can’t do anything that will remove or lessen His great love for us. We need that comforting reminder when we’re broken over our failures.

A repentant heart is painfully aware of specific sin. “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight” (v.3-4)

“I’m sorry if I hurt you” is not the same thing as “I’m sorry I stuffed my hurt feelings, talked about you behind your back, and assumed the worst of you,” right? The same thing applies with God. If we want to truly turn from this sin we’re confessing, we have got to be specific about exactly what it has looked like. This will be painful. But it’s this gut-wrenching admission of guilt that characterizes this process of true repentance. Sin will hurt us and others, but it is ultimately God who we have sinned against.

A repentant heart asks to be cleaned. “wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.” (v.7)

After acknowledging your insufficiency, your brokenness, and your desperate need for God’s forgiveness, beg for renewal! Plead with God to give you a new mind, a willing spirit, a soft heart. God LOVES to answer the prayers of a broken heart. Just scroll through the stories here on Ebenezer Collective, and watch how God comes through in mighty ways for prayers just like this.

A repentant heart turns from sin. “grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” (v.12b)

Unfortunately, left to ourselves, we’re fools. And “as a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” (Proverbs 26:11) So assume if you’ve struggled with this sin in the past, you will be tempted again in the future. Even the most regretful heart will try to turn back in a weak moment. Make a specific plan for that specific sin. Memorize scripture, get an accountability partner, start a recovery program. Simply the desire to change isn’t enough. Make a plan.

A repentant heart rejoices in redemption. “Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you. Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, you who are God my Savior, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise.” (v.13-15)

Give God the credit for your new and improved self! Share your story of redemption with friends, family, and everyone you meet. You’ll be surprised how many of them are struggling with similar things. Talking about God’s work in your life sheds light into the darkness where sin likes to hide, and brings freedom to others. This is how God’s work is done. Broken people pointing each other to the Ultimate Healer.

Questions to Consider:

What is the sin that kept coming to mind while reading this article?
Could God be urging you to bring that sin into the light?
Will you pray a bold prayer today, asking God to bring your heart to repentance?

Resources:

Psalm 51, John 8:11, Romans 2:1-16

Re:Generation recovery program

Eric Mason’s sermon on repentance:

https://www.tvcresources.net/resource-library/sermons/a-culture-of-repentance

Amanda Buccola

A LIFE UNEXPECTED

Nicole Stickane

Each new year typically symbolizes a fresh start and a new perspective. For our family, the year 2017 lived up to that expectation for our family, but in a way that was very different than we had ever expected. This is our story.

On January 1st, we took our youngest child, Luke, to the ER for what we thought was a severe case of RSV. During the initial examination, I asked the doctor if I was crazy for thinking something might be wrong with our son. Luke was 5.5 months old and he still didn’t bear weight on his legs or roll over. He didn’t lift his head during tummy time and we were having to thicken his bottle feeds. The doctor acknowledged my suspicions and expressed his concerns. He concluded that Luke had low muscle tone and that we would need to admit him to the hospital that evening. The next day was filled with a series of examinations. Little did we know that our lives would change in a dramatic way. We had everyone from neurologists to every type of therapist and even the chaplain in Luke’s room. At the time, I remember thinking how thorough the hospital staff was, and how everyone genuinely cared about or son. However, on the second visit from the neurologist, we were told that Luke presented with a classic case of Spinal Muscular Atrophy, also known as SMA.

This trip to the hospital was more than we were anticipating. Never having heard about this disease, I asked one of the neurologists what the worst case scenario was. I was not prepared to hear the words that came out of his mouth, “It is fatal.” He followed his statement up by informing us that children his age and type typically live about two years. Simply put, SMA eventually impacts every muscle in the body hindering the ability to walk, sit, stand, eat, breathe, and swallow. No parent can ever really prepare to hear those words. I sat by Luke’s bed looking at him, wondering how our seemingly perfect, healthy child could have something life-threatening? Everything I knew to be so no longer was. I found myself in a very dark place. I cried for the next 48 hours – not knowing what would happen.

Luke spent the next 8 days in the ICU. He was hooked up to machines that helped him breath and he was monitored 24 hours a day by an incredible team of doctors, nurses, and therapists as we found ourselves helpless to care for our own child. So many thoughts and emotions flooded my head and heart. We were surrounded by our family and friends during this time which provided us the strength we needed to get through each day.

On January 12th, we received a diagnosis confirming that Luke had type 1 Spinal Muscular Atrophy. We then began a very grueling road dealing with insurance companies in order to get approval for the only available treatment to ensure our baby would have the best care. We experienced some of the darkest days of our lives, but from day one, we were committed to fighting for Luke and fighting for SMA advocacy.

If there is one thing, above all else that we are thankful for, it is timing. We learned that a breakthrough had just recently been made in the neuromuscular world and that the FDA had just approved the first and only treatment available for SMA patients. Before Spinraza, the majority of SMA babies diagnosed with type 1 didn’t make it to their second birthday. Thankfully, because of Luke’s age and time of his diagnosis, he was able to be at the top of the list to receive the drug.

On February 21st, Luke was the first patient at Cook Children’s to be dosed. Our life today might look very different had Luke not been given the opportunity to receive Spinraza. He might not even be here with us. However, our life does look very different than we imagined it would, and we have had to find a new normal. We have had to adjust what we wanted in this life to receive what God knew we needed. The prayers we now pray are ones we never imagined would be part of our lives, but when we look at Luke and all we’ve been through as a family, and as a community, there is no denying that his life is a blessing to all those around us.

Something like this changes your perspective in ways you can’t possibly fathom. All of my life I was chasing the next best thing, or so it seemed. My husband once asked me, “Will you ever be completely content?” From the outside my life looked pretty charmed, and it was. But then I began this fight for my child’s survival. Luke’s diagnosis has completely changed my perspective on life. As a mom of another medically fragile child once told me, “We get to look at life through a different pair of lenses.” She couldn’t have said it better. I have had to give up my own sense of control and completely and utterly trust in God’s plan for my life.

Our days are now filled with regimented schedules for Luke’s treatments, feedings, and therapies. Something as simple as going to a friend’s house for dinner is no longer simple in our world since we can’t leave the house without all the equipment he may need while we are gone. We look at our time very differently now than we did before. We are more thoughtful about how we spend our days with his needs and the needs of our family first. It can be challenging at times, but we are constantly reminded of the bigger picture and how our lives and our story are being used for the greater good. In some of the darkest moments we’ve questioned, “Why Luke? Why us?” But we have been abundantly blessed by the outpouring of love and support from our family and friends, and have been blown away by the generosity of complete strangers.

As I mentioned before, ever since Luke’s diagnosis we have become fierce advocates of SMA which has led to us starting a foundation in his honor, Luke181. The night before our son’s gastronomy tube surgery (a surgery in which a tube is inserted directly into the stomach to deliver nutrients), I read what Jesus tells His disciples in Luke 18:1, “always pray and never give up.” Luke was born on the 19th (18+1), and “never give up” is a saying we say in the SMA community. Again, God’s timing never ceases to amaze me – God is in the details!

Another saying we have in the SMA world is that you become a member of a club that you never wanted to be a part of. We are forever grateful for our network of resources. We know despite our hardest days, that we are called to serve the Lord through our son. Luke’s life has allowed us to see so much good and to live with more purpose than before. We’ve seen the good in humanity up close and personal, time and time again, which has built our faith in others and our purpose here on earth. Over this past year, I have learned that with God’s strength, we can get through anything. Good really does come from tragedy and all things work together for His good.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

FASTING: FINDING SUPERIOR SATISFACTION IN GOD

“You, LORD, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands.”

Psalm 16:5, Good News Translation

Have you ever wondered why it is tradition to give something up for Lent? Or what that even means? The season of Lent provides an opportunity to empty ourselves of lesser things so that we might be filled with the greater things of the Gospel. It is a season to prepare ourselves for the joy of Resurrection Sunday as we enter into the sorrow and pain which preceded it. And because of that, fasting is a common tradition of the Lent season. It is the act of abstaining from something that, when we go without it, we have to depend more on God. It’s a reminder to press deeper into Him. It reminds us of our humanity and utter dependence on God. The true act of fasting is simply sacrificing a physical need or emotional comfort to meet a spiritual one. Physical needs are typically met through daily rituals, eating three meals a day and sleeping 6 to 8 hours each night. We honor these rituals so fervently that they become assumed and expected in the structure of our lives. There is no question that eating and sleeping are necessary. Our bodies NEED them. Comforts, on the other hand, are things we turn to or engage in to bring us satisfaction in one way or another. Our comforts, however, do not meet a physical need – they meet an emotional need. While our comforts are more than likely good, when paired with the lie that they can fill a void, they become a never ending quest for satisfaction. John Piper said, “It is not the banquet of the wicked that dulls our appetite for Heaven, but the endless nibbling at the table of the world. It is not the x-rated video, but the prime-time dribble of triviality we drink in every night…The greatest adversary of love to God is not His enemies but His gifts…For when these replace an appetite for God Himself, the idolatry is scarcely recognizable, and almost incurable.” So what if we gave up our place at the table of the world and pulled up a chair at the table of God? What if we let God truly satisfy us – to let Him completely and utterly meet our needs? Fasting is a physical representation of trading in your seat at the table of the world for a seat at God’s table.

One of the first times fasting is seen in Scripture is in 1 Samuel. Within this story, came the inspiration for this very platform called Ebenezer Collective. It takes us back to the story of Samuel and the Ebenezer stone. During this time the Israelites were far from God, and Samuel challenged them to return to the Lord. They gathered together, fasted, and confessed. They gave up their endless nibbling at the world’s table, quite literally, and feasted on God. When the Philistines heard the Israelites were gathering, they planned an attack. The Israelites discovered the plan of the Philistines and, in response, Samuel offered a lamb as their sacrifice. A lamb which could have met their physical need of hunger and given then the strength they needed to fight. Can you imagine…you haven’t eaten, you are weak and hungry, and an army who is powerful and great in number is about to attack you? You are not prepared with ammunition, strength, numbers… anything. But God…Because the Israelites’ hearts had repented and trusted Him enough to sacrifice their physical needs to turn their hearts’ desire to God, He intervened in a supernatural way. “The Lord thundered loudly against the Philistines that day and threw them into such confusion that they were defeated by Israel….Afterward, Samuel took a stone and set it upright between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, explaining, ‘the Lord has helped us to this point.’”(I Samuel 7:10 & 12)

Oh, what God can do with a fasting heart! By fasting, you are telling Him that you trust Him to meet your every need. You are telling Him that He is enough. He is your portion and your strength. When you are weak, He is strong. And when we humble ourselves in that way, He promises to honor us. James 4:8-10 says, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.” Biblically, fasting is almost always paired with repentance, grief, and/or desperation (Nehemiah 1:4, Psalm 35:13, Joel 2:12). So when you fast, take on that posture. Let the roar of your physical hunger be the lament of your spiritual hunger. Let your longing for comforts turn into a longing for the ultimate Comforter. Sit in the self-deprivation and cry out to God. Watch what happens when you turn your face toward Him and engage in this counter-cultural experience. Helen Lemmel says it best in her hymn:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face;

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace.

When we fast, we are turning away from what the world is offering us to fix your eyes on Jesus. We tune out the things of this world that distract us from finding superior satisfaction in Him…. and what comes to light? His glory! What grows strangely dim? Our physical needs and the worldly comforts that lead us on a never-ending quest for satisfaction. Let His glory overshadow everything else as you lean into Him. I know fasting can sound uncomfortable and scary – trust me! Do you think I could write a post on fasting without going first? But, also, trust me when I say that the honor that you will receive will far surpass the short-lived satisfaction the table of the world has to offer. Pull up a chair at God’s table and watch as the things of earth grow strangely dim.

Application:

Fasting from food: First of all, be smart. if you are pregnant, have a medical condition, or struggle with an eating disorder, it is more than likely not safe or smart to do a food fast. If those don’t apply to you, consider starting small like fasting during lunch once or twice a week. Take the time that you would eat to satisfy your physical hunger to pray and meditate on Scripture in order to satisfy your spiritual hunger. Make a plan. What will you do instead of eating?

Fasting from comforts: If the comfort you are considering fasting from is, by nature, a sin (pornography, for example), please understand that we are not called to fast from sins. Rather, we are called to full repentance. Fasting is holy and set apart for those who desire to seek after God. Take a good look at the comforts you are turning to. What “comforts” are sending you on a never-ending quest for satisfaction? For me, it’s social media. For you, maybe it’s Netflix or certain foods or shopping.

Resources:

This article has good, practical advice on fasting:

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/fasting-for-beginners

Biblical sermons on fasting:

https://austinstone.org/resources/sermons/368–and-then-they-will-fast

https://www.tvcresources.net/resource-library/sermons/fasting-or-feasting

Lauren Scurry

CLINGING TO CHRIST AFTER THE LOSS OF A SIBLING

Heather Margiotta

I never thought my life story would include the death of my only sibling. It’s a story that I refused to accept and ignored for years because I didn’t want it to be my life story. Now, I can’t ignore it any longer because God has taken a dark and broken part of my life and made it whole. This story is about a life lost early and how my world was wrecked. This story is about how in my darkest hours of mourning Jesus was fully present. This story is about how what once was shattered, Jesus made new. This is my story.

Growing up it was just my brother and me. Since our parents worked a lot, we grew incredibly close. We were 2 years apart and were instant best friends upon my arrival into this world. Every memory from my childhood includes my brother. He was always right there to play with me, climb trees in the summer, build snowmen in the winter, and sneakily watch 90210 with me when my parents weren’t home. As we got older, what we did together changed, but our relationship didn’t. He would drive us around, grab Taco Bell for dinner, and go see the premiere midnight showing of Harry Potter on a school night. We had the same odd sense of humor where we would laugh at things that no one else thought was funny, and we laughed all the time.

But, there were areas where we were extreme opposites. I was a planner and he was spontaneous. I would think every decision through with all possible outcomes, while he would just do whatever he felt at the moment and figure out the rest later. I would hold myself back out of fear of failure, while he would take risks and try anything once. All of these opposite attributes we possessed could be “good” or “harmless” in moderation. The problem was, I knew moderation, but my brother didn’t.

I was fourteen when my brother led me to the Lord. He was sixteen and had been attending church with his girlfriend when he asked me to go with him. I went, talked to my brother about everything I was learning, and decided I needed Jesus in my life. For a short time, my brother and I were on the same page. We loved church and we loved Jesus. However, as I started to grow in my walk with the Lord, my brother struggled. He struggled with the idea that there were things in this world he couldn’t take part in while also having a devoted relationship with Jesus. He had to choose and eventually, he did. He stopped attending church, his girlfriend broke up with him, and his “religion” was a thing of the past.

Over the next few years both of our lives changed. I attended an out of state college and married my high school sweetheart. My brother was hanging out with a new group of friends, started dating an older woman with a questionable past, and was never home. Certain areas in my brother’s life were starting to become questionable too. Things just weren’t adding up. My brother had a great paying job and still lived at home with my parents, but for whatever reason, he never had money, his 401k was drained, and his savings account was emptied. He was coming up with excuse after excuse and asking my parents for money. We knew something was going on, but we didn’t know exactly what. We assumed all of his money was going towards supporting his girlfriend because she never stayed in one place for any length of time and seemed to always be out of a job.

After my college graduation, my husband and I moved back to our hometown. We had high hopes and expectations for our future, and were filled with excitement to begin our journey into full-time ministry. However, our first year out of college didn’t go as planned because exactly one month after moving back home I got a call that would change my entire year, and eventually my life. My mother called and told us that my brother came to her for help. She told us that he had been battling a drug addiction with pills for two years and that over the last eight months he had been using heroin. He wanted to go to a treatment center so he could detox and to turn away from the life of a drug addict.

My brother is a drug user who is using heroin? How could this happen? No one in my family has a history of drug abuse. What is heroin? I was completely clueless about the strength of this drug and how many lives are lost because of it. After returning from detox my brother relapsed fairly quickly. He never talked about his drug addiction and still maintained his story of being clean. My parents and I had become more educated on drug usage and the signs. We were no longer ignorant and knew he wasn’t telling the truth.

Like so many other drug users my brother lost his job due to calling off too much and a change in performance. Now, what money did he have to feed his drug addiction? He became so desperate that he would do nearly anything to get high. One day my parents got a call that my brother had been arrested for a bank robbery. WHAT? How could my kind, loving, compassionate brother rob a bank? Is this a joke? Where are the hidden cameras? We saw the surveillance videos from the bank robbery and sure enough, it was him.

My brother spent the next two months in jail. One time I went to the jail to visit him and it was like a movie. I sat in a waiting room and was buzzed through a thick metal door when it was visiting hour. I walked into a room that was lined with cement cubicles and those old school phones to talk through because a thick window separated you from the other side. I stood there and cried. I couldn’t walk towards my brother who was now dressed in orange. Everything happened so fast that my brain and heart couldn’t catch up to what I was seeing. I begged him to change his life. I begged him to stop because what was next would be death if he continued down this path. My brother was still in denial. He didn’t think he would get in trouble for robbing a bank. He didn’t think drugs were an issue in his life. He thought he was invincible.

While in jail he called every day. He was ready to open up and share how he had gotten to the place he was in. He explained that he got addicted to pills after being in the hospital for a staph infection. Eventually, the pills didn’t give him the high he was looking for and heroin was suggested. My brother said his greatest strength was also his greatest weakness. He was a risk taker and would try anything once, so he said yes to heroin and that is when the heroin took over. After learning how my brother got to where he was, we started to talk about other things. We talked a lot about our family, our lives and how amazing our childhood was. We talked about God and church and why he walked away from it all. He read the entire New Testament while in jail and shared with me all of his thoughts on what he was reading. He was opening his heart to everything he was taught as a teen and realizing his life was not what God wanted for him.

My brother then asked if he could go to Teen Challenge while he waited for his court hearings for the bank robbery. It was approved for him to go but it was not court ordered. Meaning, if he wanted to leave he could – they couldn’t physically force him to be there. And if he did leave, a bounty hunter would come find him and take him back to jail, not Teen Challenge. The next few months he spent at Teen Challenge were filled with chapels and work. His day was completely planned out for him from the time he got up until the time he went to sleep. Eventually, we were allowed to go visit him. He was clean, smiling, had lost some weight, and was joking around. He looked like the brother that I grew up with and loved deeply. He would talk about the future and what he wanted to do after this was all over, and he shared how he had given his life back to Christ and was filled with hope in the midst of an uncertain and scary season. He knew he would still need to face the consequences for his actions, but he was hopeful. Drug addicts aren’t hopeful, they are only focused on when their next high will come – there is no future in their mind. So, to see his mind and his words change, it felt like a reflection of his heart. His heart was really changing, so then I too became hopeful.

One Saturday evening we went to Teen Challenge for our weekly visit. When we walked in, the staff looked at us confused and asked why we were there. We looked back at them confused too. Why wouldn’t we be there? We come every week. They told us that the previous night my brother ran away and by the time the supervisors were notified, he had already gotten out of the building. They went outside to look for him but no one could find him. They thought someone had called us to let us know, but no one did.

I screamed and cried wondering how they could forget to call us. I told them that my brother could be dead in a ditch and no one would know because somehow a phone call fell through the cracks. The specific details of what caused my brother to leave are sparse. We have a few ideas of what could’ve happened, but we’re not certain. We had no clue where my brother was and if he was even alive. The bounty hunter began to search for him. My parents spent the entire weekend driving to every place they could think of where my brother might be in hopes of finding him. I spent my nights crying, unable to sleep, and crying, begging God that my brother would be found alive. I knew he would go back to jail, but at least we would know he was safe and staying away from drugs. You know it’s a bad day when jail is a great place to land.

Four days later, the bounty hunter called my mom to tell her that a body of a white male was found dead from a drug overdose in a bathroom stall of a local library. The body fit the description of my brother and she was told to call the coroner’s office. When she called, they told her that they would run the fingerprints of the body to see if it matched anyone in their system. If it didn’t, my parents would have to go the next day to identify the body. Not even ten minutes later, they called my mother back as she sat in the parking lot of a store waiting to hear the fate of her son. They told her that the prints did match with someone in their system – my brother. Because my brother was arrested, his prints were on file. It saved us from having to go down and identify the body, but it didn’t save us from the horrendous aftermath.

My mother called crying hysterically. I’ve never heard a noise come from someone from such a deep place of pain until I heard my mother’s cry. My mother, who was always so strong and never overly emotional, was totally and utterly broken. I never want to hear that sound again. I went right into caretaker mode and was comforting her and telling her that it would be OK, that we would get through this, and that I would come over right away. Immediately, I called my husband at work and told him. He didn’t want me driving to my parents on my own, so he told me he would come home to take me. I stood in the living room waiting. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t sit down, I couldn’t process what was happening. As soon as I laid eyes on my husband, I collapsed onto the floor and cried such a deep intense cry. He ran over and just held me. I felt until that point I couldn’t get anything out. I was in a state of shock and seeing my husband, who is my rock, allowed me to feel the magnitude of what just occurred.

Eventually, I picked myself off the floor and we headed to my parents. While in the car a worship song from my childhood kept playing on repeat over and over in my head. Just one part of the song: “My God is an awesome God who reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power, and love. My God is an awesome God.”

I can’t explain it, but in the deepest, darkest, most painful part of my life, the only response my soul could utter was to worship. In that moment, I knew that my God was an awesome God. That nothing could ever happen to change that. I knew in the depths of my soul that God was reigning above all with His mighty wisdom, His perfect power, and through His pure love. Even in the midst of all of this – He hasn’t changed. The God I served before my brother’s death would be the same God after my brother’s death.

Four days after my brother died was Christmas and the next day was his funeral. Hundreds of people came out to support us and many reached out to my parents to ensure they were loved and supported. My mom had called me in January 2011 to tell me my brother wanted help with his addiction to heroin. December of that same year is when he died. Those 12 months were the scariest months of my life, but the 12 months that followed his death were the hardest. I was hurting, confused, and grieving alone. I felt like I had to be strong for my parents and everyone was so concerned for their well being, that I ignored my own.

Siblings are often called the forgotten grievers. People would come up to me, give me a big hug, pull away and say, “How are your parents doing?” Was I invisible? Do siblings not grieve as deeply as parents? From my point of view it seemed the same. I’d never lived in a world without my brother and I had to figure out how to do that by myself. My parents had an entire life before my brother was born. They knew how to exist without him. On the other hand, I did not. How was I to move forward with my life that was now missing a person who’d always been there.

The year following my brother’s death I couldn’t sleep. I would lay next to my sleeping husband and read the Bible while asking God to bring me comfort and heal my brokenness. Some nights I would physically cry out to God asking Him a million questions, I wanted to make sense of everything that happened the year prior. On other nights I couldn’t mutter a single word and would just lay there and cry while holding my Bible tightly against my chest. Those nights were the nights Jesus met me there in my bedroom. I had never felt the presence of God so strongly before. It was almost like He was physically present in the room holding me in His arms. It was during those dark, sleepless nights when I clung to my Jesus that my heart was healed and my faith was strengthened. That season birthed a passion for prayer inside of me wanting others to feel the real presence of Jesus too.

For a long time I didn’t want to talk about what happened, and it took many years to get to this place of being able to share. One evening, I was sitting in my living room watching a 20/20 special on the heroin epidemic our country is facing. I listened to interviews with parents and siblings who shared that they had no clue how their loved ones had chosen a life of drugs. They were hurting and confused, their faces felt familiar. I cried watching, knowing the pain all these families were facing and how alone they must feel. It was then that I realized this needs to be talked about. There are countless families hurting from drug abuse who need to be told that they will make it. They will survive this horrible gut-wrenching pain and learn how to live again in their new reality.

To those who have lost someone to drugs:

When you experience a death like this, the former “you” is no longer. There’s been a major shift in your life and as long as you fight it, you can never become the new “you.” Your life will be two separate entities: before the death and after the death. The great news is, there is peace and comfort that is beyond our understanding that only Jesus provides. When you allow Jesus into that dark and hurting place, He can heal your heart and you can begin to embrace the new “you.” Once you do, I think you will grow to like him/her. Please know, you are a survivor. If I can survive this, you can too. I pray for you daily and I hope you pray for me too. We’re in this together.